City: Chicago
When: 12/19/2012

A woman riding Chicago's L train in December was horrified one evening when an assailant armed with a sock full of poop (human poop!) attacked her onboard the train as she sat text messaging on her phone. The 21-year-old college student said, "It was everywhere; on my face, my hair, my clothes," and requested anonymity, likely because she feared the epic mocking she would endure. She later went on to say she wished the man would have "just hit me." Paramedics arrived and provided towels and water, likely at a loss for how to further ameliorate the situation. Meanwhile, a poor girl was left with many questions. "I don't know why he did it," the victim said. The satire writes itself.