A Brief History of Beautiful Women Wearing Food

How long must we wait for Lady Gaga or Nicki Minaj to wear this? This woman was photographed at an Atlantic City convention for the League of Women Voter's in the late '50s, and the photograph appeared in Life Magazine. With each passing second, confusion grows as to why Gaga/Minaj do not have this on their head. Take out a stop watch, compensate for the fact that it's been running since April of '58 and then check back in with Complex. What are people waiting for? This is a strange and rare hat—why has no celebrity started the process of mass producing it?

Would it have been comfortable? Couldn't have been. It would've smelled terrible, and all the men would've hit on her with Old Bay, which is our patented method for picking up women at the shore. It would've worked with her; all the others got away.

The coconut bra is one of the oldest bras known to men who trade in ethnic stereotypes. Tourism and large hotels (also, Elvis films) take most of the credit for the popularization of this rigidly supportive piece of apparel. If you're really interested in coconut bras, you already know to be weary of the kitschy plastic knock-offs. That's like using Beggin' Strips rather than real bacon to make a bacon bikini. Look for the raw and hairy half shells if you're looking for what's real.

In October 1974, Ester Cordet was the Playmate of the Month. In August of 1975 the foundation for one of music's most famous legends was laid, with the release of the Ohio Players' Honey, and all because of the food Cordet wears. Well, not just the food—there's murder, too. The story goes that Cordet was burned by the honey, which (according to rumor) had been warmed to a dangerous temperature to get the right level of viscosity for the cover shoot. If you listen to "Love Rollercoaster" on the LP you hear a high-pitched scream at 2:32. Legend has it that this is Cordet's scream, either from the burns she sustained or because she was murdered in the studio during the recording after busting in to complain about the burns. None of it's true. But it's a great record, and one of the best pin-up style covers vinyl produced.

You have two gay men, partners and business partners, to thank for the invention of the original edible underwear in 1975. David Sanderson and Lee Brady patented “candypants.” You know them best as "erotic Fruit Roll Ups." What many people don't know best is that edible undies were invented in the wake of a conversation about the expression, "Eat my shorts!” Basically, they're a joke. And if you're thinking that it'd be cool to eat off your lady's panties, you're part of that joke. Think before you Valentine's Day.

This variation on edible underwear mimics the candy necklace as opposed to the packed lunch staple, the Fruit Roll-Up. The pressure your jaw has to exert to crush into a candy necklace, the cracking sound it makes when you bite through—think on this. Now imagine that happening millimeters away from your lady's labia. Yeah, this is a bad idea. Don't do this.

In terms of awakening sexuality in pubescent boys, Ali Larter's failed seduction of James Van Der Beek in 1999's Varsity Blues is something of a high water mark, comparable to Ursula Andress' entrance from the sea in Dr. No. It's one of those moments where great percentages of the heterosexual male population realizes—really realizes—what their dick is for. Larter fails to seduce Van Der Beek in a terrible movie, but in a macro sense, she succeeded utterly. To all the women of the world who have ever been propositioned by their partners to do this, we formally apologize.

Ukrainian pastry chef Valentyn Shtefano adorned his wifey with 1,500 cream puffs in '06. The dress weighed 20 pounds. Yo, Shtefanos—are we supposed to be impressed by this? We want something heavier. Next time, why don't the two of you collaborate on something with 1,500 Bear Claws from Dunkin' Donuts, then tell us how many heart attacks it weighs? Maybe then we'll start answering your calls about doing a shoot with Nicki Minaj wearing live flying squirrels in the mag.

We feel bad for this pale woman, simply because she missed meme-hood by choosing the wrong meat. Look, if you want to burn bright on the internet and you don't include bacon, you've fucked up. That's a mistake. And that's what this Flickr user in '06 couldn't understand, man. She just—ergh, there's almost no saying this because of the crippling frustration. Just—don't underestimate bacon. To do so is akin to saying Q-Tip would've been fine without the rest of Tribe. There's something called history. Read it. Bacon's greasy stamp is all over it.

This bra made of bacon became a sorta meme. First posted to Flickr on December 15, 2007, the photo was taken in the magic kingdom of human sexuality we call San Francisco. There's a story surrounding this faceless, meat-wearing woman and it involves tequila and promises of confidentiality. For once, her not having a face actually seems positive. Is this what progress looks like?

In January of '09, this photo emerged as part of an advertisement of the "ultimate" Super Bowl party. Was it the ultimate because it skipped the football and went straight to the sort of sex Ben Roethlisberger's known to have? It must've been that or the bacon. True or false: Bacon tastes better when it smells like the hot wax from the Brazilian method of pubic hair removal. If we could only find someone who would own up to attending said "ultimate" Super Bowl party, we'd have an answer. Thing is, no one will raise their hand.

Photographer Ted Sabarese along with designers Daniel Feld and Wesley Nault dressed a model in artichokes for his project "Hunger Pains" in 2009. They did it for fashion, not for the plants. The artichokes didn't want this. They wanted to die in warm butter, like the rest of their brethren.

Photographer Ted Sabarese with designer Ami Goodheart of SOTU Productions built this model into a loaf of bread. Multiple loafs, from the looks of it. When the children push the witch into the oven in Hansel and Gretel, most likely her blood boils and the liquid inside her eyes makes her face steam and explode; her brains seep out of her hairy overgrown ears. That has absolutely nothing to do with the experience of being a bread dress model. This is why you come to us. Another magazine would be making jokes about carbs or the Atkins diet. But you know what? Atkins is dead. And we just ate an entire baguette. Fuck your carbohydrates. Take that fucking bread off, it's worth it girl. #DrakeLyricsAboutHisGirlBeingOnTheAtkinsDiet

Here we have someone who is obviously a fan of the Ohio Players, probably whoever is behind the camera. Probably some guy who had a weird encounter at an ice cream sundae buffet as an 8-year-old and spent the rest of his life becoming a photographer for the moment right here. The strawberry does not count as a piece of clothing, for the record; only the chocolate serves. Admittedly, it does a pretty terrible job. Still, this seems like a real alternative to other varieties of edible clothes, underwear or otherwise.

Nyotaimori is the Japanese practice of decorating the body of a nude woman with sushi and sashimi. This is one of those things that people imagine the Japanese to indulge in all the time ("So when was the first time you Nyotaimori'd your Lit. teacher? Was it before or after your mom put spicy tuna on her nips?"), just like used underwear in vending machines, but is, in reality, a grossly exaggerated happening. You can find Nyotaimori (and it's male-counterpart, Nantaimori) here in the States (the famous Nyotaimori-NY opened in '08). You can even sign up to be a model yourself, just like this Vanity Fair blogger did. Oh, we wouldn't dare. No one wants chest hair in their sushi, and all we have to offer is chest hair.

In 2009, PETA saved all of us. Typically their ad campaigns strip down young and attractive celebs in the name of animals, which makes them sound like a pagan cult or the German band Scorpions. Rather than shove the viewer's face in the voluminous wrinkles of 82-year-old actress Cloris Leachman, they shoved her inside a head of cabbage and called it a day. That day we sacrificed six cheeseburgers to PETA for their benevolence. Then we played "Hard In Da Paint," because it's their favorite rap song.

The German bakery group Lambertz, in January of 2010, made this edible bustier bubble dress from chocolate and encased model Alena Gerber in it. This happened in Munich, a city mainly known (to Americans) for Oktoberfest. Turns out they dress women their in things other than beer maid outfits. Who knew?

Korean artist Yeonju Sung makes clothing from edibles. Lady Gaga makes glowstick music (Shout out to J. Newsom!). Gaga also wore a meat dress. For one beefy wet moment their paths converged. Then they broke apart, like André 3000 and Big Boi. OutKast should reunite. Does Gaga need to borrow from Sung again? Eh.

Because the dress contained too much meat, Gaga knocked away some of the slabs for Vogue Hommes Japan in September 2010. Terry Richardson shot the photographs, which makes perfect sense if you're familiar with his moustache or work. People called it tasteless. What sense does that make? If you cooked her, she would have tons of taste. She's wearing meat.

There's a blog called the Nudie Foodies (begun just this year). This is one of the images from it. If you're keen on this, don't check out the rest of the website. Because, speaking from experience, you won't like it. You're curious, though, and who can blame you? You're all, "Oh, snap—this is really scratching that kinky Easter itch I have. Hold on while I go masturbate to memories of mall visits to the Easter Bunny." Go do that. When you're done, just don't go check out the Nudie Foodies. We've warned you. Our duty is done. Now do right by your penis.

Why are you looking at this woman's cherry pie? Here's why: Earlier this year, American Apparel, the clothing line designed for young, skinny, tall white people made the earth-shattering decision to look for a model with a fuller figure (can hipsters even appreciate the proper thickness?). It came as no surprise when the language of the contest (called the Next BIG Thing) used to procure the model seemed a little tongue-in-cheek, maybe smacked of a little condescension towards hip-hop slang and culture (okay, they used the word "booty-ful"—that clear enough?). Enter Nancy Upton, a blogger and provocateur. She submitted a number of photographs to the user-decided competition where she appears hella naked and frolicking with food. They ridiculed American Apparel and our culture's ideal version of the female form. Then Upton won. She won the fucking contest. American Apparel, showing their true day-glo colors, took the title from her, despite the votes of the public at large (2000 presidential election back!). AA is run by cowards.