This week, a few big events happen in our favorite guido and guidette's lives, threatening to be big game-changers in the house for the weeks to come. Much like last week, this episode of Jersey Shore focused a lot on the relationships between those in the house and their romantic interests, and truthfully we wouldn't really expect anything different from these guys. With the reunion of Ron and Sam, and the blowout fight between Snooki and The Situaton at the end of the episode, it seems like dark days really are ahead for the gang. Quite frankly we can't help but wonder if we should be a little worried.
Also, Vinny, Jenny, and Pauly D still only have about ten minutes of screentime collectively, which is dark thought enough. Anyway, on to the recap!
Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@tanyaghahremani)
Italian Pigeons Don't Like Jersey Shore
The episode opens with the Situation and some blonde chick we saw last week, who is apparently, according to Sitch, “one of the most DTF chicks” he’s ever met. He sends her home in the wee hours of the morning with a chaste kiss and a simple “Just go,” before collapsing on a couch on the patio, making it clear that he’s got some lost sleep from the previous night to catch up on. Then a crazy Hitchcock pigeon tries to attack him and Sitch falls to the ground paralyzed with fear. This is the stuff of romantic comedies, no?
Well, it happened...
Before we get into anything else that happened in this episode, we should probably get the most harrowing development out of the way first, like ripping off a Band-Aid or something: Ronnie and Sammi are back together.
We know. We don’t understand it either. But they are, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it (short of Ronnie’s friend back in New York kicking him in the nuts like promised in the season premiere) so we may as well accept it. And who knows, maybe the 113th time is the charm?
OK, we have to admit, it does sort of seem like maybe things are a little different this time. No, really, we're not even playing. It's beginning to become quite clear that maybe both Ron and Sam have matured substantially during the off-season. For instance: Early on in the episode, Ron has a conversation with Snooki at a sidewalk café about his relationship with Sam. Now, maybe it's the wine that Snooki's ordered for lunch, or maybe Italy's turned her into a sappy romantic, but she admits that she believes Ron and Sam belong together and also that they should just have sex already. But Ron, he actually wants to talk to Sam first and "do it right" this time. Passing up sex for conversation? Is this even the same show anymore?
Anyway, Ron and Sam do talk, sans alcohol, over dinner at a pretty romantic rooftop restaurant in the city. Sammi assures Ronnie that she's "not the girl from Jersey," and that she trusts him to do his thing but not bring back girls or hurt her. "I'm a completely changed person," she assures Ronnie (and the audience) confidently, "and I like who I am."
Ronnie, voicing exactly what we were probably all thinking, proceeds to ask, "So, no more bullshit, no more, like, f**king nonsense?"
"I don't want you to worry," Sammi assures us all, "because I'm not ever gonna, like, hurt you." The couple then proceeds to get back together for realsies this time, against the backdrop of the sun setting over Florence.
We're believing you this time, guys.
Deena Just Wants to Cuddle
For Deena, the episode stars out innocently enough—she's out with Sammi at a café, fully intent on finding a nice Italian boy to spend some time with. Luckily for her, it doesn't take long (the gigantic MTV filming crew with her may have had something to do with this, but who knows) and she meets who she refers to as a "lean cuisine" guy who's waiting tables at the café. After awkwardly procuring his number—"Do you have phone number?" she asks him, speaking in broken English for no apparent reason, and then when he affirms, she stares for a moment before continuing, "...do you want me to have your phone number?"—Deena and Sammi leave, with Deena promising to call him later.
It seems she does, and The Lean Cuisine Waiter meets her at a club that night. After generally being all over each other at the club, Deena takes him home just to "cuddle," making it clear that that's all he's going to get from her that night.
Back at the house, though, this doesn't seem to be the general consensus when Vinny and Pauly are mulling over what Deena is doing with the waiter while they're exiled from their room because she's in there with him. "I have to sleep in your bed because Deena's f**king in my room!" Vinny yells out from the kitchen, where Deena can clearly hear him.
This pisses off Deena a bit, and she leaves waiter boy to go off on Vinny and Pauly in the kitchen, clarifying that she only wanted to cuddle with him, and that it's her room too. Vinny and Pauly fire back, saying that she should use the smush room even if she just wants to cuddle with the dude instead of making them wait outside awkwardly. She angrily heads back to the room to find waiter boy still, well, waiting, though he proceeds to tell her that he's going to go home, clearly feeling out of sorts due to all the fighting and, you know, the fact that he's not even going to get laid by the end of all this.
"No, you don't go home." Deena retorts soundly, leaving no room for debate.
"...why I don't go home?" The Lean Cuisine Waiter asks, to no answer. He doesn't actually end up going home until the morning, when he sneaks out while Deena is still sleeping, clearly wanting to prevent her from borderline holding him hostage again.
It's Sitch Against the World
Kinda, anyway. We can't say he doesn't really deserve it.
First, there's Ronnie's prank. When a girl keeps calling the house looking for Sitch in the early hours of the morning, everybody's understandably a bit annoyed since Mike is sleeping and she's not giving up. So, after hanging up on her a good three or four times, Ronnie decides to throw his voice and pretend to be Mike, suggesting that the girl and her twin come over to the house in an hour. She believes him, and the plan is set into motion.
She and her twin end up showing up at the house in precisely an hour, greeting a very shocked Mike in his room while Snooki looks on confused as hell because it's daytime and there's no possible way Mike would meet up with chicks before sunset. Mike awkwardly goes with it, though, pretending like he knew they were coming all along and excusing himself to get ready to take the girls out for breakfast in the city.
Later, Deena pulls a robbery on Sitch, and begins making out with one of the twins. Just as Sitch is about to lock down a threesome with the girls—even though one claims to be a virgin, something Snooki doesn't believe because "she's hot"—Deena approaches her and, well...
"Then all of a sudden, Deena goes, 'She's mine!'" Sitch recounts to the camera later, pulling a confused face. "She's yours?"
Deena then proceeds to show the Sitch just how hers the twin is, as she starts making out with her right in front of everybody in the middle of the club. "When you're drunk..." Deena explains to the camera, "sometimes you kiss girls."
That twin ends up going home with Deena while the remaining twin stays with Mike, but since they're all going to the same house it doesn't really matter anyway—they're kind of bound to run into each other.
In a weird twist, Deena's twin asks Vinny what he would think if she started making out with him, presumably because Deena's out of the room and she's bored or something. Vinny, of course, isn't one to pass up an opportunity when it presents itself and the two are horizontal within moments. "I thought she was gonna get with Mike, I thought she was gonna get with Deena, I don't know who this girl is gonna get with, but somehow, she ends up on top of me," Vinny explains to the camera later, seeming legitimately confused by the situation. Deena returns soon after to find Vinny and the twin together in his bed, and is a bit miffed to find that a robbery has been pulled on her after she'd been the one initally pulling a robbery on Sitch. So, she tells Vinny that the twin is coming into her bed, and for some reason the twin doesn't mind beind passed around like a town bicycle or something.
In another weird twist, after hooking up with the twin for a while, Deena decides that a "lesbianic" night isn't really for her, and she sends the twin back to Vinny's bed, where she ends up spending the night. Stay classy.
Meanwhile, Sitch abandoned his twin in his room in lieu of talking to Snooki on the patio, admitting that he's not even sure if he's going to have sex with her that night. "Well, you might as well, she's in your bed," Snooki shrugs.
Snooki May Have a Situation Looming—One Named Mike, Pt. 2!
After hearing from Sitch himself in the pilot episode that Snooki and Sitch hooked up, Ronnie finally spills the beans to Sammi and subsequently Jenni, who is sitting near them when he explains what Mike said. Jenni, of course, runs and finds Snooki, who's sitting on the patio with Mike, and quickly pulls her aside to explain what Mike has been telling people. Snooki is understandably livid, and she wastes no time confronting and yelling at Mike about it.
She claims, without any hesitation, that he's lying, something which Mike disputes with the claim that he'd never lie about anything, let alone a hook-up with a girl, and that Snooki is just reacting this way because she knows he's right and she just wants to save her relationship. All this happens with Ron and Sammi quietly watching, nearby, clearly overjoyed that the latest relationship drama doesn't revolve around them for the first time in ever.
"For once, no drama with me, and it feels f**king amazing," Sammi quips to the camera later, grinning wildly.
Taking a page from Sammi's book, Snooki tells Mike that she's "done," obviously with their friendship, and proceeds to break down on the patio because she's worried that this will end her relationship with Jionni. Jenni assures her that Jionni loves her and wouldn't break up with her over this, but Snooks is still worried and she vows to kill Mike if this proves to be the end of her relationship with Jionni. And with that, Snooki ends her night crying alone in her bed while Sitch ends his having sex with the twin who's still in the house even though Mike just left her alone for like an hour because he wasn't even sure if he wanted to hook up with her. Every girl's dream!
Best Quotes of the Episode
"Ew, I feel your wiener! I feel your wiener!" —Snooki, to her non-English speaking personal instructor at the gym.
"Why do you always want to have this conversation when we're drunk?" —Ronnie, vocalizing what we're all wondering, to Sammi, when she drunkenly attempts to tell him that she misses him while they're at a club
"Why are they here right now? It's daytime." —Snooki, in reference to the twins that The Situation is courting...well, f**king.
"I said if Ron and Sam get back together after all that shit's said and done, I'm gonna kill myself. When you're thinking suicide on somebody else's relationship, that's how bad it is." —Pauly D after finding out Ronnie and Sammi are back together
"When they're together, they both wear black. It's like a funeral." —Vinny, in reference to Ron and Sam
"I don't think I'd ever date a girl because I really, really, really love penis, but I have fun." —Deena, breaking down her sexual preferences to the world
Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@tanyaghahremani)