It's finally here. After all of the gossip and rumors, paparazzi photos and mugshots, Jersey Shore's fourth season finally premiered on MTV last night. We were slightly worried that something from our beloved show would be lost when the cast hopped across the pond to Italy—"You know, Italy is like that big country," Snooki informs us early on, "or, no, Europe is that big country! And then you have like, Britain in there, and England, and Italy." But, luckily, the cultural barriers haven't affected things at all.
If you missed it, don't worry—we've got you covered. Cominciare!
Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@tanyaghahremani)
Even Taking Passport Photos Can Be Fun With These Guys
The episode starts out with a handful of the group separately going to get their passport pictures taken. At first we think it was really just Snooki gettin' down with her ridiculous self and posing awkwardly for the photos, but Mike and Deena both do the same, with Mike lifting his shirt to show off his over-exposed abs (of course), and Deena shaking her ass at the camera. Pauly is the only one who manages to stay semi-normal, only giving a hearty fist-pump and yelling out, "Passports are here!" Never change, guys.
Well, Maybe Change A Little—The Situation Is Still An Asshole.
Coming into the fourth season, we'd hoped that perhaps our favorite guidos and guidettes had grown and changed at least a little bit. While Ronnie and Sammi both individually promise to stay away from one another and focus on having fun (though, in Ron's case, this could be because his unidentified friend threatens to "kick [Ronnie] in the fuckin' nuts" if he hooks up with Sammi again), Mike seems to have gained nothing from the countless amount of shit he's recieved over the years for generally being a dick towards his housemates.
Example: Mike hears that Snooki has lost a lot of weight—he allegedly heard this from Snooki himself—and proceeds to comment that if this is true, he wouldn't mind smushing with her in Italy. Actually, his exact words were, "If she lost some pounds...I'll hit it," accompanied by a shrug. But, Snooks has a boyfriend, with whom she's very happy. When Deena informs Sitch of this, he mumbles something about how he thought she was single and proceeds to sulk about it while Sammi runs off and informs Snooki of his behavior.
Later, with what can only be described as a shit-eating grin, Mike "secretly" divulges to Ronnie that he and Snooki hooked up while she was with her boyfriend Jionni, a not-so-subtle attempt at instigating some drama in the house even before anyone's gotten over their jet-lag. Ronnie's skeptical, and so are we; Snooki's not too good at hiding her feelings, and if she really did cheat with the Sitch, we're sure it'd be obvious from her behavior around him. Yet, she's acting completely normal, so something gives.
Their House Is Nothing Short Of Amazing, Though
MTV has a knack for choosing flawless real estate when it comes to the reality show's settings, and this Jersey Shore season is no different. The house in Florence is, to put it simply, really dope. Though there are two flights of stairs that they have to lug their billion and a half suitcases up (bronzer and hair gel take up a lot of space, you know), no one's letting that get them down. The girls arrive at the house second, meaning the guys get first pick of the rooms, but, in realit,y we can't see anyone complaining even if they were forced to sleep in a closet.
Oh, and the jacuzzi? It's inside the house. Imagine the possibilities without the threat of indecent public exposure!
Sammi And Ronnie Are Dunzo This Time. Totally. For Real
Lies! But no, really, the lovebirds claim they're going to be over this season about fifty times during "Going To Italia," but as paparazzi photos and gossip magazines have been reporting, the two are currently an item yet again.
Though, we do have to say, both seem to be acting slightly more mature in comparison to last season; they're focused on themselves and having a good time as opposed to unburying old relationship dramas, so maybe it won't be the "Ron and Sam Show" again this year. We can only hope and pray.
Besides, like we said before: Ron's friend did threaten to kick him in the nuts if he dates Sam again while in Italy. And he sounded serious.
Pauly D Burnt Out Three Hair Dryers, And Sammi's Straightener Burnt Off Deena's Hair
It's nearly the end of the world for the most hair-conscious duo in the house, Sammi and Pauly, when Pauly can't get the electricity conversions correct and three hair dryers burn out. Sammi looks on terrified as Pauly searches for another dryer, mumbling about how she's in trouble and can't blow-dry her own hair. In the end, Deena saves the day with some simple math and Pauly (after blankly staring at her for a moment, either trying to process what she was saying or just surprised that she can do math at all) is able to make the dryer work, much to Sammi's relief.
Later, the problem arises again when Deena is using Sammi's straightener; smoke billows up from it due to overheating, and it burns her hair right off. Smokey The Bear would be appalled.
Somehow, Snooki And Vinny Are The Most Useful People In The House This Season
They've always been the source of comic relief, but when it comes to practical things around the house, Vinny and Snooki have never really been of much help. This season, however, that's changed as Vinny is the only one who can speak Italian, and Snooki is the only girl who can drive stick. This leaves Vinny as a pseudo-ambassador/translator for everyone; at one point, Mike repeatedly calls Vinny over to translate his flirting to a poor, unsuspecting Italian girl in a club.
The first morning in Italy, when the group goes out for breakfast, Snooki proclaims her stick-maneuvering abilities as they're trying to figure out who can drive. "I'm useful!" he exclaims smugly. Pauly is behind the wheel of the other car. This would be fine if the navigation system in the cars, which is what they were using to find the restaurant they'd chosen for breakfast, had been in English, but, alas, it's in Italian. This is no problem for Pauly's car, with Vinny present, but in Snooki's car, suffice to say no one can understand a word.
"I don't think the girls could understand the navigation system in English," Vinny admits later to the camera.
After taking a wrong turn and getting lost, Snooki just drives the girls back to the house where they proceed to be attacked by pigeons that'd make Alfred Hitchcock proud.
Deena and Pauly: Is It On?
It certainly looked that way. Their very clear tongue wrestling is a strong indication. Early into "Going To Italia," Deena admits to having recently developed a thing for guys who look like Pauly, and comments that she'd like something to happen there. "Friends with benefits," she shrugs, a glint of hope sparkling in her eye. Pauly remains hilariously clueless throughout, until the last moments of the episode, in a club, when Deena tells him she wants to kiss him. They do, in plain view of everyone.
It's a weird pairing—even Ron agrees, if his reaction is any indication—and we can't help but worry that it's an omen for things to come. Dark days are looming overhead for our favorite guidos and guidettes, though, of course, it'll all make for excellent television.
Best Quotes Of The Episode
"I am down a can of bronzer. I only have about eight cans left, and in my world that'll last about 10 days." - Jenni, after discovering a can of bronzer has exploded and leaked in her suitcase
"We have a bidet, so a bidet is very European...it's a way of cleaning your butthole after you go to the bathroom. It feels kinda good too, you know, on a lonely night..." - Vinny, on the bidet in the Italy house
"Ciao is for 'hello' and 'goodbye.'" "What about 'thank you'?" "Gracias." "That's Spanish." - Deena and unidentified friend, respectively, discussing the Italian language
"What's the first thing you're gonna go when you get there?" "I'm gonna find out the age of consent." "Lift their arms. If they've got hair, you're good to go." - Vinny's family members and Vinny, respectively
"Jionni's like a little bit nervous about me going to Italy because of Vinny..." - Snooki's voiceover, cut over a scene of her holding up a pair of "I <3 Vinny" underwear
"It's el taxi, idiot!" - Pauly D to Vinny as Vinny is calling for cabs
Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@tanyaghahremani)