Image via Complex Original
It’s hard to accept that Entourage, HBO’s resident bromantic comedy, is coming to a close. Though we can’t tell you exactly which portion of the sun, sex, and swag-infused series’ formula resonated most closely with its millions of viewers, we can tell you what kept us tuning in Sunday after Sunday: An agent by the name of Ari Gold.
Talk about a phoenix risen from the ashes, Jeremy Piven was once that guy it almost pained you to watch play John Cusack’s flunky over and over in flicks like Grosse Pointe Blank and Serendipity (on your girl’s orders, of course). However, in an exceedingly rare Hollywood image resurrection, we watched the actor become born again as one of TV’s ultimate alpha males, one who dudes looked up to and girls ashamedly wanted to bone in equal measure. Just take a moment to reflect on an Ari-less Entourage; it can’t even be done. Though he might be on the outskirts of the core four, it’s his rants, raves, and general chutzpah that help make the series what it is.
In honor of our favorite agent’s last stand, which starts with the season premiere of the eighth and final season this Sunday night, we present to you Ari Gold's 10 Greatest Rants.
10. The "Enemies" Rant
Of the show’s numerous personalities, there’s only one to whom even the seemingly invincible Ari bows down: Mrs. Ari (played by Perrey Reeves). Despite her distinct Real Housewives vibe, it does become clear over time that she cares about him, maybe even as much as his cash flow. However, one of her favorite ways of showing it seems to be dragging him to couples therapy, which he couldn’t resent more. In one particularly heated session, Ari doesn’t spare any detail about exactly what he’d like to do to his enemies—and his wife.
9. The Queens Boulevard Rejection
Despite his best efforts to interest Vince and E in a variety of scripts from his staffers, the pair presses the agent to help them move forward with their indie pick, Queens Boulevard. In hopes of discouraging his actor from the flick, Ari proceeds to call out a few of the “perks” that his star’s would-be set will unfortunately be lacking.
8. The Axing of the Twin
Ari is an undeniable beast at work, so we always look forward to any on-the-job scenes of his (particularly if they involve any interaction with his tortured—now-former—assistant Lloyd, played by Rex Lee). However, even more enjoyable at times than his derogatory comments and inevitable tantrums are his firings, some of which are reluctant, but most of which are ruthless and side-splittingly funny. Though there are dozens to choose from, Ari’s dismissal of a twin brother in the wake of a sibling rift might just be the greatest in our book….
7. The Axing of the Mailroom Kid
That is, except for this one. Poor kid. Sometimes you’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time. In this case, it’s delivering mail to the office of an agent on Ari’s shitlist.
6. The Dana Gordon Message
There are two ways to leave a phone message: the standard way and the Ari way. The former involves dialing, getting a hold of your party’s machine (or underling), and crossing your fingers that they’ll get back to you sooner rather than later. Ari’s style is slightly different. His method involves something a bit closer to dialing, then informing the desired recipient that X-rated, career-jeopardizing photos will hit the Web unless he’s given a call back in a timely fashion. Watch a master at work with former fling Dana Gordon (Constance Zimmer).
5. The Grand Exit
As pissed as we were to watch Ari get booted from the agency he essentially ran, we also couldn’t be more thankful. The sequence of events leading up to his final departure is pretty much the YouTube gift that keeps on giving. A foiled attempt to rally a crew of conspirators results in scene after scene of pure comic gold, from the frazzled emergency call to Lloyd to the grand exit, not to mention his "promise" to his assistant and the final freakout in the garage. Ultimately, it’s the valet that gets the last word, and it’s well worth the wait.
4. The Batphone Blowup
In yet another painstaking (and thus, hilarious) couples counseling session, Mrs. Ari addresses her man’s temper, as well as his lack of undivided attention. After a final attack is made on Ari for bringing his trusty batphone into the meeting, the agent takes it upon himself to “kindly remind” his spouse exactly what he does provide—the good life.
3. The Drama Speech
As if Ari’s stress levels weren’t already heightened from trying to handle his prize client’s showdown with the studio over Aquaman 2, he soon learns that Vince won’t be taking any of his phone calls until he pulls off the seemingly impossible feat of finding Johnny Drama a job. In an act of desperation, he calls off his staff’s pending meeting, informing them that their new priority is to land the less-desirable Chase brother a role—and fast. For added measure, he promises ten grand to the first to score him a gig. Hilarity ensues.
2. The Hug Heard Round the World
In the middle of a sit-down with the superagent and his movie star best friend, E makes the big mistake of calling attention to a negative review that Vince’s latest flick received in Variety. In this case, his blooper was our gain. After dismissing Vin from the room, Ari lays into him hard, producing what is arguably the show’s greatest one-liner. With the conclusion of this episode, dueling parties everywhere no longer squashed beefs by shaking or slapping hands—they hugged it out…bitch.
1. The Josh Weinstein Massacre
Though Ari’s put-downs over the course of Entourage’s past seven seasons have been plentiful and almost equal in hilarity, we can’t think of one more merciless (or satisfying) than his total annihilation of rival agent Josh Weinstein (Joshua LeBar). After his former assistant crosses him by attempting to woo Vince away with the enticing Queens Boulevard script, the incensed star storms the beach party of the “lightweight, pen-stealing fuckface” to put him in his place, resulting in one of the series’ most legendary moments. But merely ripping Weinstein to shreds isn’t enough for Ari—after insulting the agent, his practices, and his clientele, the heat is even turned to the guy’s drink.
That’s awful…ly badass. Though it might've been Ari Gold who ripped him a new one, we all walked a little bit taller that day.
