Natalie Portman's 10 Sexiest Roles

Classification: Meekly sexy

In the uneven dramedy Hesher, which quickly passed through independent cinemas early last month, a little kid (played well by newcomer Devin Brochu) tries to cope with the death of his mother while an emotional terrorist/heavy metal slacker, named Hesher (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), basically turns his life into a series of criminal acts and insults. Choice example of Hesher’s wit: “You ever been skull-fucked before?”

No, little man hasn’t (thankfully), but he does get figuratively screwed over by the girl of his dreams: Nicole, a mousy grocery store clerk played with nerdish appeal by Miss Portman. Ignoring their distinct age gap, the squirt, whose name is T.J., falls hard for the supermarket bag chick, but in comes that son-of-a-bitch Hesher, who smashes Nicole as T.J. accidentally interrupts and sees the act for himself. How the kid doesn’t off himself with poisoned Juicy Juice by film’s end is anyone’s guess.

Classification: Civil War sexy

On the surface, Cold Mountain seems like it’d be the least dude-friendly movie imaginable—it’s a sappy love story, a history lesson, and it’s anchored by Jude Law in a make-the-women’s-undies-tingle performance. Sit with late director Anthony Minghella’s sprawling period drama, however, and it’s actually the opposite of what a lunk-headed guy would expect. The characters are rich, the visuals are striking, and there’s even a brief yet memorable turn from our girl Nat.

Portman shows up as a widow who looks after Law’s character, a wounded Confederate deserter on a trek to reunite with his chick (Nicole Kidman). She avoids a potential rape at the hands of some Union soldiers by popping bullets into their asses, while looking damn good in vintage 1860s-era lingerie. The kind of long, one-piece nightgown that, unfortunately, leaves everything to the imagination.

Rather than put his own imagination to, um, use and try to abolish Portman’s wardrobe, Law’s character mopes around like a sap and thinks about Kidman, who’s nowhere in sight. Cold Mountain? It’s more like Blue Balls.

Classification: Elizabethan sexy

Prior to seeing The Other Boleyn Girl, our most prominent Portman-starring fantasy featured the actress as the grown-up version of her too young character in The Professional, with that short-cropped hair and fingers on triggers when not gripping other fiery objects. But thanks to her role as 1500s-era Queen of England Anne Boleyn, we have all new daydream fodder.

With a believable English accent and a traditional square-necked gown that reveals just the right amount of cleavage, Portman’s Boleyn gal is tailor-made for some inventive role playing. Even better, The Other Boleyn Girl is equipped for threesome fantasies—alongside Portman throughout the flick is Scarlett Johansson, sporting a similar gown and even more bosom (she’s just packing more up there than Nat).

So how is the movie itself? Fuck if we know—we just skipped to all of Portman’s scenes with ScarJo. The camera was in focus the entire time, though. Two thumbs up for that.

Classification: Sci-fi sexy

Why Attack Of The Clones and not, say, The Phantom Menace? It’s simply a matter of relating to the films’ hero, Anakin. In The Phantom Menace, he’s young enough to still think that Portman’s Queen Amidala is still covered with cooties; however, though he’s played by the empty vessel that is Hayden Christensen in Attack Of The Clones, Anakin is of the age when it’s acceptable for George Lucas to set up an obligatory romance. In turn, it’s much easier to see Amidala in a sexually desirable light.

Unlike Princess Leia, Amidala is a woman of extreme power, moving up the political ladder from princess to queen to senator. Even in silly intergalactic universes, there’s very little sexier than beautiful ladies in positions that enable them to rule with mighty fists, even if Amidala is more peaceful than tyrannical. A bit more edge would’ve done both the mostly forgotten character some good; when was the last time you saw chicks dressed as the more conservative Amidala and not the two-piece-clad Leia?

Classification: Arthouse sexy

Chinese director Wong Kar-wai’s heavily stylized road movie My Blueberry Nights sure does look good. Through bright, neon colors and experimental camerawork, he goes to great lengths to show off the collective hotness of his female cast: singer turned actress Norah Jones, underrated cutie Rachel Weisz, and, of course, the chick of the hour, Portman.

Unfortunately, the film’s script drags worse than RuPaul, plodding through one uneventful scene after another as Kar-wai worries more about visuals than narrative. Yet, My Blueberry Nights is still worth peeping, mainly for Portman’s extended cameo as a wild child with a compulsive gambling streak and a mangy hairdo that’d look like white trash on any other actress. Come to think of it, you’re better off staring at the above photo and using your imagination to direct sequences for Portman in your mind’s eye. Anything you imagine will be infinitely more exciting than My Blueberry Nights.

Classification: Eccentric hipster sexy

It’s a good thing that Portman is never less than button-cute, because, had she been something less appealing, her bizarre character in actor-turned-director Zach Braff’s dramedy Garden State would never get a man—not even a passive aggressive tool like Braff’s protagonist.

For starters, Sam (short for “Samantha”) is a chronic liar, telling ridiculous personal anecdotes that stink of bullshit from the moment she first opens her lips. She’s also a space cadet (no NASA), walking through life with a certain airiness that’s both playful and irritating. And then there’s her insistence on eulogizing a dead hamster.

But, despite her inner strangeness, Sam still possesses Portman’s girl-next-door cuteness, so we’d gladly give thoughtful speeches above shoebox coffins and allow a seeing-eye dog to dry-hump our legs for her amusement. Though the whole can’t-tell-the-truth thing might not work in the bedroom, unless there’s a muzzle on hand; otherwise, “That’s the biggest I’ve ever seen” would piss us off, not flatter us.

Classification: Working class sexy

In the altogether mediocre rom-com No Strings Attached, Portman plays a resident nurse who shuns the notion of “true love,” living by a personal code that flips the bird towards such wholesome ideals as monogamy and sentimental feelings. So, yeah, she’s basically a much more successful and sanitized version of those loose-legged chicks that can be found in any local watering hole knocking back glasses of whiskey and stashing fresh panties in their purses for the “morning after.” Obviously, No Strings Attached is pure fiction.

Sticking to her anti-commitment steez, Portman’s character, Emma, proposes that she and good friend Adam (Ashton Kutcher) start having casual sex, just so they can each get their respective rocks off—again, total fantasy. Reality sets in, though, once Emma and Adam begin catching feelings and harboring jealousy toward each other’s outside romances.

Hollywood clichés then clutter the screen quicker than blackness once a TV’s power is shut down, dragging No Strings Attached into a puddle of generic muck. But let’s not lose sight of the fact that Portman’s the one who suggests the free-wheeling sex in the first place. If only the rest of the movie’s characters were so appealing.

Classification: Sword-and-sorcery sexy

Frankly, we’re a bit perplexed by the middling box office performance of Your Highness, which has only pulled in less than half of its $50 million production budget since being released in early April.

All of the chips needed for success were in place. Acclaimed director David Gordon Green had recent Academy Award nominee, and current Hollywood renaissance man, James Franco in a starring role, alongside Eastbound & Down fan favorite Danny McBride; the trailer showed an intriguing mix of impressive visual effects and raunchy humor; and the marketing team made no mystery that Natalie Portman wears a thong during one scene.

Playing a warrior chick who’s handy with a bow-and-arrow, the actress’ first big look after her Oscar victory (for Black Swan) pushed her sexiness to new heights. Her character, Isabel, is feisty, physically imposing, and willing to bump uglies with a schlubby dude like McBride. And did we mention that she rocks a floss-thin thong? That was reason enough alone to make us buy a ticket; too bad the movie’s hilarious moments are few and far between. OK, so maybe “perplexed” wasn’t the right word.

Classification: Closet lesbian sexy

Any self-respecting man who doesn’t know by now that Mila Kunis goes down on Natalie Portman, after heated kissing, in Darren Aronfksy’s trippy psychological thriller Black Swan should really get out more. See the world. Buy a computer and hook up an Internet connection. Rent Black Swan on DVD and keep a bottle of Jergens nearby.

The now infamous girl-on-girl scene isn’t the only time that Portman is sexy in Aronofksy’s film, though; as the prudish and insecure ballerina Nina Sayers, Portman is the kind of high-strung and inexperienced girl that men would love to loosen up, in more ways than one. Proven by how fervently she succumbs to Kunis’ sexual advances in the movie’s aforementioned highlight, Nina is like a tightly wrapped present just waiting to be opened—we’re talking about a mama’s girl who masturbates in front of stuffed animals, for fuck’s sake. Just overlook her schizophrenia and destructive instability and embrace the wide-eyed freak within.

Classification: Pole-working sexy

Was there ever any doubt? Sure, Portman swaps spit with another hot young actress in Black Swan, but that’s nothing compared to the sight of her as a stripper giving the lucky Clive Owen a lap dance in director Mike Nichols’ strong drama Closer. It’s truly a sight to behold.

That pink wig. Her rump-flossing purple thong. The way she so generously crouches down and sticks her tush out to the camera while in the champagne room. Naturally, Portman’s immaculate strip club scene fell by the wayside once she received an Academy Award nomination for her performance as a whole, but we’ve never forgotten.

The moral here: Whenever Portman pushes the sexual envelope, whether it’s gyrating in a thong or having sexy time with another woman, she’s guaranteed to earn Oscar attention. Hopefully her agent has already pointed this fact out to her.