3. VAN HELSING (2004)

Director: Stephen Sommers
Plot synopsis: The legendary monster slayer heads to an Eastern European village to exterminate Dracula, the Wolfman, and Frankenstein.
Ideal console(s): Xbox, Playstation 2
Game on: To horror fans raised on the old black-and-white Universal monsters movies, Van Helsing is a slap in the face, cursed with a flamboyantly unappealing Dracula, an emo Frankenstein that cries, and a horribly rendered CGI Wolfman. For those who’ve never heard of Lon Chaney Jr. or Boris Karloff, it’s just plain old rotten. The overabundance of digital effects spit upon all that made those classic Uni films so special; if not for the sight of Kate Beckinsale in a skintight leather corset, Van Helsing would be a total washout. And did we mention Frankenstein cries?

Obviously, we hate Van Helsing, but part of the reason is that the material is so loaded with goods. Since Hollywood can’t seem to muster a subtle and practically made creature feature anymore, the wiser move would’ve been to turn the property into Castlevania on ’roids. Grant users the chance to become Abraham Van Helsing and go to supernatural war against horror’s greatest forces, armed with a bow-and-arrow and tasked with dropping Count Dracula’s sexy female underlings. And an imposing Frankenstein’s monster, hold the tears and bitch-fits.

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