All men are not created equal. Some of us are tall and chiseled and can do chivalrous shit like jump over moving cars to sweep a woman off her feet with a rose in our sparkling white chompers (obviously we just stand outside and let women flock to us, but the point is that we could). Then there are the guys who drew the short straw in life, meaning they're difficult to look at because they're some combination of short, fat, and ugly.
Of course, some of these dudes do still manage to get it in, relying instead on the seductive powers of money, fame, and humorous self-deprecation. When you see one of these gentlemen, it's only right to salute (and maybe mock them a little too). Which brings us to comedian and actor David Spade, who celebrates his 46th birthday (and good fortune at having bagged so many hot chicks) today. Were he not a Hollywood star, we highly doubt he would be slaying such a high caliber of woman, but we have to give it to him—he gives it to 'em. Check out the beauties to have fallen under the blade of this Unlikely Swordsman as well as he shock factor of each conquest...
Complex says: Soon after landing a spot on Saturday Night Live, Spade snatched Miss USA and aspiring actress Kelli McCarty (height: 5'6"). A.D. (After David), she had a regular role on a daytime soap opera, before completing her celebrity arc by doing hardcore porn for Vivid and mentioning that Spade was well hung in an interview with Howard Stern. So, girls, lesson learned: It's all downhill after Spade.
Complex says: After McCarty, Spade "stepped up" to model-ternt-actress Rubin (5'9"), with whom he had a brief fling in '93. She went on to star in Screamers A.D., which, contrary to what you may believe from the title, wasn't released by Vivid.
Complex says: Bobbie Phillips is an actress who has appeared in small roles on television and had a small part in the highbrow post-feminist arthouse flick Showgirls. She also (allegedly) got it in with a small comedian in 1996, a year before a rapper nicknamed Biggie Smalls was killed in Los Angeles...the very city where both Bobbie and her diminutive funnyman filmed many of their famous projects! OK, if David fuckin' Spade is a member of the Illuminati, then we just give up.
Complex says: When you hear the name Kristen Noel "Kristy" Swanson, "large-breasted woman killing vampires in the 1992 film Buffy the Vampire Slayer" comes to mind. Certainly not "large-breasted woman getting slayed by David Spade." But that's what she did (allegedly) and now that's what you'll think. Shit, we're like a buncha fuckin' Don Drapers around here.
Lara Flynn Boyle
Complex says: David Spade and Lara Boyle (5'6") became involved the same year Boyle divorced her husband of two years, John Patrick Dee III. Apparently, Spade was a rebound and—we're speculating here—a homewrecker. Either that, or L.B. just wanted to go from Dee to the little man with the (allegedly) big D.
Complex says: David entered the new millennium with a bang (quite a few, in fact), simultaneously fooling around with both Stacey Hayes and Tara Reid (5'5"). We can only hope that David smashed Tara when American Pie was released but before American Pie 2, because God only knows how many American, international, or local pies she ate in between. Then again, she smashed David Spade, so we've got a whole chicken-or-egg thing going on here.
Complex says: Unsatisfied with the cute blonde 10 years his junior he already had in Reid, David linked up with Stacey Hayes (5'7"), an English television infomercial spokesperson, comedienne, actress, model, and one-time competitive ice skater. You see, what really makes us jealous is that Spade not only smashes hot chicks, but they're hot accomplished chicks.
Complex says: In 2001, David encountered yet another unlikely mate in Krista Allen (5'7"), a Baywatch cast member who had a string of intriguing movie roles as well, including "Busty Woman in Elevator" (Liar, Liar), "Pretty Woman" (Confessions of a Dangerous Mind), and "Holographic Woman" ("Paycheck"). After Spade, Krista started dating George Clooney. Apparently, she has a type.
Complex says: In 2002, former President George W. Bush fainted after chocking on a pretzel while watching a sports game, although we know the actual reason was because he learned that David Spade was sleeping with Caprice Bourret (5'8"), an American lingerie model and actress who appeared on the covers of GQ, Maxim, and FHM. Apparently you need to have money and a penis haircut to bag females who make their living by doing photo shoots for sexy magazines. Damn you, David Spade and your penis haircut!