Love is blind, but what if it were breathless? No Romeo, we're not talking the kind of ardor that leaves you floating with cherubs and calling your moms. This is the type of lover to lay stiff in your arms, voice imagined, sex withheld. What in bat shit hell are we talking about? The imaginably satisfying, telepathic, inanimate smash, of course!
Last week, news spread that a 28-year-old Korean dude by the name of Lee Jin-gyu had married a body pillow (sporting the face of popular anime vixen, Fate Testarossa) in a public, church-officiated ceremony. Personally, we'd rather just stalk a chick from Girls' Generation, but everyone's entitled to their wacko fetishes, especially if they're within the slim community of objectosexuals. While you contemplate what Lee's pillow fights are like, peep six more human-inanimate object romances that made their way down the aisle. They just might make you want to strip your sister's Barbie...
Written By Tracy Garraud
Eija-Riita Berliner-Mauer and the Berlin Wall
YEAR MARRIED: 1979
• Don't call Mrs. Berlin Wall a fortification freak, the 56-year-old virgin says her weakness for Germany's old repression barrier has been with her since childhood, when she realized that "long, slim things with horizontal lines [are] very sexy." And then they took a wrecking ball to her hubby—we've been known to go after chicks with low self-esteem, but that might be taking things a little far.
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Erika La Tour Eiffel and the Eiffel Tower
YEAR MARRIED: 2008
• It would be far too easy to throw a penile jest at Erika for her obsession with France's 1,063 ft erection, but, Erika thinks the Tower is a "her." Which makes it the world's biggest dildo? Look, we like freaky girl-on-girl, but that just sounds bad.
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Amy Wolfe and a roller coaster
YEAR MARRIED: 2009
• This 34-year-old Pennsylvania woman (can you smell a trend?) has the look of a les, but is adamantly convinced that an 80 ft gondola ride named 1001 Nachts is her husband. Peep her first reaction to the smooth and bumpy ride she met at 13 and has ridden over 3,000 times: "I was instantly attracted to him [both] sexually and mentally." Him? If you're visiting Knoebels Amusement Park anytime soon, pause yourself and wipe that seat!
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Dave Cat and a sex doll
YEAR MARRIED: 2000
• We're never ones to shy from a bit of silicone, but when the chick's crotch is molded in that shit, it's time for us to throw a deuce. Kudos to Dave for plucking a happy and subordinate female, but if she runs you $5,000 not including lipstick and clothes, it wouldn't hurt to squeeze the real thing. Although he may be on to something: "She provides me with a lot of things that I can't get out of an organic partner, like...quiet."
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Sal 9000 and a video game character
YEAR MARRIED: 2009
• Sal's obsession with Nene Anegasaki of Nintendo DS' Love Plus is understandable, and while we may not feel any satisfaction from rubbing our thumbs on a video screen all day, when you have a pocket-size shorty who can easily bounce with you from Tokyo to Disneyland, there might be a spark. Strong enough for Sal to even broadcast his nuptials live on a webcast. And he's got a "girl" who will never get mad if he plays her!
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