Whether you're staying in or going out tonight, there's some must-see Monday TV that you should either watch or set your DVR to record (exercise that remote control!). From a hardwood battle to hard-luck inhalant addiction, Complex makes sure you know what's really cracking on the boob tube, so you won't look like a saggy boob tomorrow at the water cooler. At least not as far as your knowledge of pop culture's concerned.

TV_Pitino

SPORTS: CONNECTICUT-LOUISVILLE MEN'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL, ESPN, 7 PM EST
• These storied programs aren't killing it this year (UConn is 3-5 in the Big East, 13-8 overall; UL is 4-4, 13-8) but these conference clashes are almost always tight. If this one isn't, at very least we guarantee you'll be entertained by Cardinals coach Rick Pitino—he of the all-white suits, Catholic faith, and financing of an abortion to cover up his extramarital affair.

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TV_Intervention

REALITY: INTERVENTION, A&E, 9 PM EST
• Ah, it's good to be alive! Breathe in that fresh air! Or, if you're like the junkies on this episode about huffing, grab a can of some computer duster and inhale deeply to enjoy the five-second high life!

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TV_NPH

SITCOM: HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, CBS, 8 PM EST
• In this episode, horny-ass Barney (Neil Patrick Harris, a.k.a. Doogie Howser, a.k.a. the Notorious N.P.H., a.k.a. the gay dude your girlfriend would leave you for) challenges himself to smash seven chicks in seven days. Maybe it's just us, but isn't it a greater challenge to NOT to go put seven(-plus) in seven in seven?

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TV_Damages

DRAMA: DAMAGES, FX, 10 PM EST
• Sinister, manipulative, bitch-with-balls litigator Patty Hewes (the incomparable Glenn Close, who's won two straight Emmys for her portrayal) is back and trying to locate billions of dollars stolen and stashed by a fat cat financier who swindled investors with a Ponzi scheme. Martin Short is killing it as her opposing lawyer, but we don't know who eventually kills off one of the series regulars and discards them in a dumpster.

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TV_Notorious

MOVIE: NOTORIOUS, HBO, 8:30 PM EST
• Two words: Notorious B.I.G. Wait, is that two words? Well, Naturi Naughton, who plays Lil' Kim in this Biggie biopic, has two for you. Not words, her twos—they're out constantly, and they are rap stars.

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