On "Hump Day," there's nothing more wonderful than actually humping all night long. But, should you need a breather, there are some good things on TV so you can avoid any awkward pillow talk. Check out the best on tonight...
REALITY: AMERICAN GREED: SCAMS, SCOUNDRELS, AND SCANDALS, CNBC, 9 PM ET
• If watching spray-tanned little girls prance around in beauty pageants on Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC, 10 p.m. e.t.) is too disturbing for you, check out the story of black widows Olga Rutterschmidt and Helen Golay, who lured in homeless men, then killed them to collect on life insurance policies. Sick, sure, but considerably less icky than a pedophile's paradise.
DRAMA: NIP/TUCK, FX, 9 PM ET
• It's typically plastic surgery patients who need therapy for unresolved issues, but as this twisted series winds down, egomaniacal surgeons Sean McNamara and Christian Troy go to psychotherapy to deal with their conflicts. You know, some guys just aren't big enough to let it slide when their partner and friend fucks their wife and lets him raise the love child thinking it's his. So petty.
COMEDY: COUGAR TOWN, ABC, 9:30 PM ET
• Courtney Cox's show about a fortysomething divorcée who gets back in the dating game and starts knocking off young dudes is a guilty pleasure. We feel guilty pleasuring ourselves to it, but then the hot older woman was always a fantasy of ours. We only wish our parents had moved to Cougar Town instead of Oldshriveledbittyburg. [Also watch/record: Modern Family, ABC, 9 p.m. e.t.]
MOVIE: THE FUGITIVE, AMC, 8 PM ET
• On the off chance that censors edit all the dick jokes and fun out of Superbad (FX, 7:30 p.m. e.t.), go with this classic 1993 crime thriller. Harrison Ford plays Dr. Richard Kimble, a doctor wrongly convicted of his wife's murder who escapes a prison bus and has to find the man who actually killed his wife while being pursued by a surly, no nonsense U.S. Marshall (Tommy Lee Jones). Ah, the good old days, before Ford's saggy balls got in the way of his chase sequences.
SPORTS: CONNECTICUT VS. SYRACUSE MEN'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL, ESPN, 7 PM ET
• It may still be the biggest rivalry in college hoops, but Duke-UNC (ESPN, 9 p.m. e.t.) is far less exciting this year for impartial viewers because neither team is remarkable. For a better ballgame with real implications, watch as the Huskies visit the Orangemen. The last time these Big East giants met, they played an epic six-overtime game. Be sure to put some 5-Hour Energy in your vodka.