Hey, everyone! After months of whispering and buzzing and suckling at the teat of Apple PR, we were finally able to finagle a seat to Apple's "creation" event, which many think will be confirmation of the long-rumored Apple Tablet (or whatever they decide to call it—we vote for "iThing We Plan On Taking From Someone On the Subway"). We're at Yerba Buena Center in San Francisco waiting for this shindig to start, and don't worry—we're going to bring the news to you AS THAT SHIT HAPPENS**. Oh MAN are we on top of this internet thing. We're even going to timestamp it EST since everyone else seems bent on confusing us by using local Pacific time. Wait, wait, they're motioning us in. Catch us after the jump!
12:58 Jesus, we haven't seen this many Macbook Airs around since Just Blaze Twitpiced that shot of himself IMing John Mayer cutesy emoticons.
1:02 The crowd seems to be getting a tad bit restless. Someone's throwing a Zune around like a beach ball.
1:03 Wait, no, a security guard confiscated the Zune. Aaaaaaand now he's bringing it on stage and setting fire to it while doing some odd sort of tribal dance. Strange.
1:05 Music's starting! Well, not exactly music, more like drums. Mostly timpanis, but there are some ominous whispers mixed in there too. Ominous!
1:09 It's Him! It's Him! He Who Shall Not Be Named By Name Unless That Name Is He Who Broughteth Us The Tablet!
1:14 "It's my distinct pleasure to present to you...."
1:14:31 JESUS CHRIST ON A NANO SCREEN, TELL US ALREADY!
1:15 Holy shit, it's pandemonium in here. I think a woman just gave birth, and I'm 90% sure I saw David Pogue being escorted out while masturbating furiously.
1:18 Riot cops. This is awesome!
1:19 Thankfully, the riot cops aren't knocking heads, they're just standing in the back while Jobs launches into the meat of the presentation.
1:20 Jobs: "Users love the iPad. The experience it offers is like getting road head while piloting an F-16. If that F-16 was A FLAMING UNICORN!" People are actually weeping in here. I'M weeping in here. It's amazing.
1:21 Jobs just farted—which I only noticed because it sounded like a tinkling windchime arpeggio—and a rainbow came out of his pants. And at the end of that rainbow? ANOTHER rainbow! And that second rainbow somehow has giant breasts! Fuck this, I'm moving to Cupertino.
1:24 Jobs: "Newspapers, magazines, it will all be at your fingertips, at least until Consolidation Day. Then you'll only need the People's Chronicle. But more about that in a minute." Wait, what?
1:30 Jobs: "We're going to start the rollout in 14 countries at first, overseeing operations from a secret underground base in the Domincan Republic, but I'm going to let my man Scott come up and talk about the global expansion plans."
1:31 Scott: "Thanks, O Holy One. As you can see, folks, we're going to be annexing 70 countries within six months." Did he say annexing?
1:32 Scott: "Once saturation is achieved, your iPad will be issued and your accounts debited. Should your implanted iChip not show the funds necessary to cover the cost—or should you manage to override the debit, either by jamming a battery under the skin to short-circuit the iChip or just by ripping the iChap out of your own flesh—then you will simply be iNcinerated. Can we get a shot of that, Debbie?"
1:33 This is really not how I expected my Tuesday to go.
1:34 The guys from Gizmodo and Engadget have stripped to the waist, covered themselves in what looks like pig blood, and hoisted Jobs up on their shoulders. Can't quite make out what they're chanting, but it's definitely Latin.
1:37 Jobs is back on stage, and he's motioned to the riot guards. This doesn't like a great development.
1:38 Jobs: "Thanks so much for being here. Please leave all Internet-enabled devices with the guards, as bulk moving and deletion will commence immediately. We'll see the quick-witted and strong among you at Camp Apple! Those who arrive with ears torn from the heads of the weak will be given first pick of labor assignments. Apple loves you!"
** Yes, this is a parody, people! Come on.