From the "People Really Need To Start Coming Up With Their Own Ideas" Department, Fox is developing a sitcom based on the blog Texts From Last Night. And it's possible, we guess, that there have been worse ideas for sitcoms at some point in history (Homeboys In Outer Space comes to mind), but this is definitely in the running. It's a fucking website, people--but as long as networks are shelling out money for gimmicky one-concept blogs, then there are a few that might make for better shows. In fact, we've taken the liberty of putting the pitches together to save everyone some time. Let's get ready to commit creative atrocities!
PEOPLE OF WAL-MART
Pitch: A group of people who shop at Wal-Mart ironically while on road trips take their detached snobbery to the next level by photographing people who shop at Wal-Mart because the retail behemoth shut down every other affordable option in town. Sample dialogue: "Lookit that guy who got diabetes because fatty foods are cheap and plentiful! Hey buddy, crippling poverty called; IT WANTS ITS MULLET BACK! *high fives*"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GARFIELD MINUS GARFIELD
Pitch: Jon Cryer walks around talking to the walls. Budget: one hidden camera. Cheapest show evar.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SNACKS AND SHIT
Pitch: Hip-hop scholars, i.e., the two guys who start punching people in the face whenever "Jump Around" comes on at their frat parties--laugh and laugh and laugh about rappers who say the darnedest things. Special appearances by celebrity hip-hop purists Kendra Wilkinson and Kevin Federline.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
POST SECRET
Pitch: Anonymous people admit their deepest fears and most shameful confessions. Narrated by no one, since the only people self-absorbed enough to—wait, no, Tyra Banks just called. She'll do it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LAST NIGHT'S PARTY
Pitch: National Geographic correspondent Lisa Ling takes the L train into Williamsburg (or the F to the LES, depending) and walks around with a cameraman filming people who are really really really fucking extra. That's it. Guaranteed ratings gold, people.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
KANYE UNIVERSECITY
Pitch: Like Charlie's Angels, except Charlie is really Kanye West sitting around on uncomfortable furniture that his friends told him about, and the Angels are bony French models who can only say "where are you, Yeezy?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE
Pitch: Hosted by Ryan Seacrest and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, it's a lighthearted exposé about what grafted devils like to do when they're in their native habitat. It's hilarious because it's true! ONLY white people eat organic food! ONLY white people ride bikes! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA DO YOU GET IT WHITE PEOPLE ARE SO LAME THERE ARE YOU HAPPY IS THAT SELF-DEPRECATING ENOUGH GET AWAY FROM ME MUD PEOPLE!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CUTE OVERLOAD
Pitch: Widdle kitties and widdle puppy dogs fall asweep in the cwaziest pwaces, set to the strains of '80s pop tunes so that chubby housewives can relive their high-school days and distract themselves from their stultifying depression in one fell swoop.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
F MY LIFE
Pitch: A sitcom featuring affable twentysomethings trading i-swear-this-is-true stories of humiliating oneupsmanship. AKA "This Never Happened, But Could You Imagine If It Did? Wowzers!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOT CHICKS WITH DOUCHEBAGS
Pitch: Wait a second, this already exists. Thank you, Viacom, for taking a joke about how desperate shitty networks are scraping the bottom of the barrel and making it reality.
j. prince September 11th, 2009 at 04:40 PM
LOL people of wal mart!! that might be a good tv show.
Jean Claude Van Douche September 11th, 2009 at 04:48 PM
I find your tagline to be quite racist sir and I quote... " September 10, 2009 | Permalink TV | Tags: TV, When blogging goes wrong, douche bag, white people, hipsters " White people? Why not Black People too? Or Hispanics? Had you pulled your head out of your anus and actually read some of the extremely intelligent banter that resides upon this blog, you might even see that there's such a thing as a "Brothabag"...you see, we discriminate not, for the Douche virus is strong in this world, and knows no borders, nor races. Rethink your taglines before posting you racist bastard, may you rot in the deepest parts of a thousand retarded Dugong intestines.
DarkSock September 11th, 2009 at 04:55 PM
I peed in a horse once.
Admiral Hamilton Mantitty September 11th, 2009 at 04:56 PM
Reality is the scraped bottom of a barrel. And by barrel I mean your mother's cervix. Douche.
Southern Scrotic September 11th, 2009 at 05:02 PM
I think Marc is just jealous.
Walrus Whisker September 11th, 2009 at 05:06 PM
After looking at this blog for the first time, I feel I have finally scraped at the bottom of the retreaded and regurgitated mediocrity barrel known as Complex.com Could you change the name of this website to AcidReflux instead, so internet surfers would be warned before having this taint of a website foisted uponst our eyes? Thank you, and good night.
Pommelhorse Pummelfister September 11th, 2009 at 05:07 PM
I've got a bone to pick with Complex.com. As I elaborate on that concept throughout this letter I will use only simple words and language so that even a child can understand my message. Yes, even a child should know that Complex.com's faculty for deception is so far above anyone else's, it really must be considered different in kind as well as in degree. It's directionless for Complex.com to make things worse. Or perhaps I should say, it's temperamental. Although Complex.com has managed to avoid indictment, or even a consensus that it did anything illegal, I'm not writing this letter for your entertainment. I'm not even writing it for your education. I'm writing it for our very survival. Given this context, we need to return to the idea that motivated this letter: Complex.com has a talent for inventing fantasy worlds in which it's okay to lower our standard of living. Then again, just because Complex.com is a prolific fantasist doesn't mean that some people deserve to feel safe while others do not. Complex.com sees the world as somewhat anarchic, a game of catch-as-catch-can in which the sneakiest bigamists nab the biggest prizes. If I have a bias, it is only against pesky nutters who convict me without trial, jury, or reading one complete paragraph of this letter. Mutual efforts against appalling particularism are not just an educational process designed to teach people that I will never identify with what I call illiberal manipulators of the public mind. These efforts also serve as a beacon, warning the world of the snivelling consequences of Complex.com's gutless statements. There are three fairly obvious problems with Complex.com's allegations, each of which needs to be addressed by any letter that attempts to appeal for comity between us and Complex.com. First, it's time that a few facts had a chance to slip through the fusillade of hype. Second, Complex.com is as biased as it is dour. And third, you won't find many of Complex.com's dupes who will openly admit that they favor Complex.com's schemes to let malodorous, loquacious moochers serve as our overlords. In fact, their machinations are characterized by a plethora of rhetoric to the contrary. If you listen closely, though, you'll hear how carefully they cover up the fact that this makes the issue an even greater tragedy. Disguised in this drollery is an important message: Complex.com commonly appoints ineffective people to important positions. It then ensures that these people stay in those positions because that makes it easy for Complex.com to promote antiheroism's traits as normative values to be embraced. To conclude, the similarities between Complex.com and effete riffraff should not be taken lightly.
Teddy Tendergass September 11th, 2009 at 05:09 PM
Please allow me to be brief in my critique: Marc Ecko's principles have been getting a lot of undeserved attention recently. What follows is a call to action for those of us who care—a large enough number to debunk the nonsense spouted by Marc's confidants. If an attempt to hammer a few more nails into the coffin of freedom isn't scummy, it certainly is contumacious. Rather than respond to my letters with reasoned arguments, Marc prefers to open the gates of Hell. Although this method of attack is unparalleled in any other sphere of literary controversy it does prove that this is a free country, and I warrant we ought to keep it that way. Like a materialistic, apolaustic mountebank, he will poke and pry into every facet of our lives. Not that I've come to expect any better from him. Rest assured, whenever Marc is blamed for conspiring to create problems that our grandchildren will have to live with, he blames his attendants. Doing so reinforces their passivity and obedience and increases their guilt, shame, terror, and conformity, thereby making them far more willing to help Marc insist that our society be infested with unilateralism, classism, barbarism, and an impressive swarm of other "isms". On that note, let me say that the reason he wants to spawn delusions of nativism's resplendence is that he's utterly combative. If you believe you have another explanation for his empty-headed behavior, then please write and tell me about it. This is not wild speculation. This is not a conspiracy theory. This is documented fact. Marc's the type of person who would address what is, in the end, a nonexistent problem if he got the chance. But let's not lose sight of the larger, more important issue here: his detestable campaigns. In the course of my work, I regularly come in contact with longiloquent ogres, and most of them also feel that we have a dilemma of leviathan proportions on our hands: Should we present a clear picture of what is happening, what has happened, and what is likely to happen in the future, or is it sufficient to lift our nation from the quicksand of injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood? I'm sure you already know the answer so I won't bother repeating it. I'd like to emphasize, however, that I recommend paying close attention to the praxeological method developed by the economist Ludwig von Mises and using it as a technique to move as expeditiously as possible to place a high value on honor and self-respect. The praxeological method is useful in this context because it employs praxeology, the general science of human action, to explain why every time Marc tells his brethren that children should get into cars with strangers who wave lots of yummy candy at them, their eyes roll into the backs of their heads as they become mindless receptacles of unsubstantiated information, which they accept without question. On a similar note, I believe I have found my calling. My calling is to put the kibosh on Marc's musings. And just let him try and stop me. To tolerate Marc's vapid comments simply because they're not packaged and sold as deranged is to uproot our very heritage and pave the way for Marc's own incontinent value system. I allege that the best way to overcome misunderstanding, prejudice, and hate is by means of reason, common sense, clear thinking, and goodwill. Marc, in contrast, believes that the existence and perpetuation of emotionalism is its own moral justification. The conclusion to draw from this conflict of views should be obvious: Marc is frightened that we might rage, rage against the dying of the light. That's why he's trying so hard to prevent whistleblowers from reporting that he says that everyone would be a lot safer if he were to monitor all of our personal communications and financial transactions—even our library records. Why on Earth does he need to monitor our library records? The answer is obvious if you understand that he craves more power. I say we should give Marc more power—preferably, 10,000 volts of it. To quote the prophet Isaiah, "Woe to ye who disarm us morally, make us rootless and defenseless, and then destroy us". Is that such a difficult concept? Marc owes us all an apology—and Marc knows it. In its annual report on incompetent incidents, the government concluded that he thinks I'm trying to say that an open party with unlimited access to alcohol can't possibly outgrow the host's ability to manage the crowd. Wait! I just heard something. Oh, never mind; it's just the sound of the point zooming way over Marc's head. Anyhow, I guess I've run out of things to say, so let me just leave you with one parting wish: Together, may we illustrate the virtues that Marc Ecko lacks—courage, truthfulness, courtesy, honesty, diligence, chivalry, loyalty, and industry.
Crucial Head September 11th, 2009 at 05:10 PM
Is anyone in here still talking about Rush?
Amanda September 11th, 2009 at 05:12 PM
I hate to say this guys, but Admiral Hamilton Mantitty is hot.