It's tool time for celebrity douche bags.
Men are dogs and women want to put them on leashes. That essentially sums up VH1's new reality series Tool Academy, where the most "arrogant, dishonest, thoughtless and unfaithful boyfriends" are duped into entering therapy that may transform them into marriage-ready castrated zombies.
OK, maybe we take some issue with the premise of this man-hating show, but we can admit that some men go too far. We need look no further than the daily celebrity news to see men pissing all over their hot ladies. When they cast the (inevitable?) celebrity version of Tool Academy, these five dudes could benefit from a little higher learning...
Tool: ROGER CLEMENS
Before Tool Academy: The Rocket threw high heat at his wife Debbie, cheating on the mother of his four sons with 16-year-old country music star Mindy McCready and Paulette Dean Daly, wife of pro golfer John Daly. Then he threw her a curve, deflecting allegations of his own steroid use by telling Congress in February 2008 that Deb had taken HGH to get ripped for their February 2003 Sports Illustrated photo shoot (and because Clemens wanted her to have more love muscle).
After Tool Academy: Rocket will catch while Deb fires her balls at him for a change.
Tool: RICHIE SAMBORA
Before Tool Academy: Bon Jovi's axe man cheated on Heather Locklear, his hot actress wife and the mother of his daughter, with her "best friend" Denise Richards, who was then married to prostitute poon hound Charlie Sheen. In 2008, he endangered his girlfriend and his daughter's lives drunk driving his Hummer. So not only does he treat women wrong, he's also fucking Mother Earth with a gas guzzler.
After Tool Academy: Sambora will punish his penis by wearing jeans that are too tight for even a rock star, forever changing Bon Jovi's harmonies.
Tool: IRV GOTTI
Before Tool Academy: As if cheating on his wife and the mother of his children wasn't bad enough, Irving humiliated his lady Debbie by airing out his rampant infidelity on their reality TV show, Gotti's Way. In reality, Irv is a dick.
After Tool Academy: Irving will attempt to win back his special lady by becoming the first "Gotti" male ever to garden for his boo. He will also accept it when his penis gets less play than Cadillac Tah.
Tool: BILLY CRUDUP
Before Tool Academy: The Crud dated Mary-Louise Parker from 1996 to 2003 then dumped her for Claire Danes while Parker was seven months pregnant with his son. In his defense, those last few Lamaze classes really are a bitch.
After Tool Academy: Crud will open a home for all the bastard children of athletes and actors, then take estrogen injections so he can breast feed them.
Tool: CHRIS BROWN
Before Tool Academy: He allegedly assaulted his girlfriend, June/July 2007 Complex cover girl Rihanna, because she was being a little too social at a pre-Grammy party. If true, it would be without doubt the lowest note he's ever hit. And this is a dude who dances in Doublemint commercials (or did until they burst his bubble, dropping him when the charges were made public).
After Tool Academy: Brown will receive an honorary diploma from the T.A. after a cell block of Rihanna-loving inmates shows him how it feels to be an abused woman. That's Operation CB for real.