How To Ask A Girl Out

When the time came for my little brother to go off to college, he was nervous about all the normal things a young person comes to terms with as they go forth on their own: doing his own laundry and the existential perils of embarking on adulthood, but mostly talking to girls. Before he began his coming of age journey, he took me aside for some sisterly counseling on the matter, desperate for a little direction. He had first consulted the internet, but something about the advice he found there seemed off. That’s because nearly all the online how-to’s on asking out girls are written by “pick up artists”—men who perform annoying microaggressions like negging and yelling at women who don’t want to sleep with them in an effort to win their attention. Their guides contain such gag-worthy advice as explaining everything to a woman to convince her of their superiority, and persisting with requests for dates after receiving a no. So that explains every interaction I’ve ever had in a bar, I guess.

As totally disgusting as their tips are, I understand a PUA’s tactics truly come from a place of fear. Regardless of your gender or sexual orientation, it’s always scary to put yourself out there, start a conversation, and invite someone to potentially reject you. But hiding behind a wall of pick-up lines and insults isn’t ever going to win someone’s affection, and will likely just end up earning you a gross reputation (and possibly some malware from those shady Pick Up Artist websites).

I was able to assure my brother that someone rejecting his romantic invitations didn’t mean he was any less cool or worthy of love, and told him how girls really wanted to be talked to (spoiler alert: like regular goddamn people). But, I knew then my work was not done. Hundreds of thousands of misinformed singles are still asking girls to take their headphones off and chat when they clearly aren’t interested, cornering them at parties, and accusing them of friend-zoning even though that’s not a thing. So, I’m here to set the record straight. Here are my top tips for how to ask a girl out: what works and what you should literally never do again, because it’s 2017, and on behalf of women everywhere, I can say that we’re tired of dealing with it.

Yes, that annoying advice your mom gave you was true—you can never truly love someone else until you love yourself. And even if you're not looking for something as serious as love just yet, knowing your own value will help you bounce back in the event a lady declines your advances. Genuine self-love means being ok by yourself, which will help you avoid the toxic behaviors that inspire my second piece of advice…

This is one of the most important things pick up artists get dead wrong. The point of asking out a girl is to make time for two people to enjoy one another's company, not for one to owe the other their affection or give them something to brag about. If a girl says no, she means no, and asking repeatedly will only make her uncomfortable. A girl doesn’t owe you a date under any circumstances—not if you bought her a drink, not if she’s been nice to you, not even if you installed her TV. If she isn’t into taking things to a more romantic level, move on cordially and know that it doesn’t make you any less of a catch.

Whether you’re asking a girl out in a bar, on a dating app, or at the DMV, have fun with it. I can’t tell you how many guys with tons of potential have become totally lame after being insulting in a feeble attempt at comedy, or leaving me to carry an entire conversation with little more than a few ‘hahas’ on their end. Asking someone out is a teaser for what your date will be like, and dates are supposed to be fun! You might think you’re playing it cool, but it actually reads as douchey and insecure—two qualities I can bet your crush isn’t looking for in her next beau. Instead of acting aloof, send her your favorite Vine or ask what she did that day before you pop the big date question. Most importantly, just be genuine. Girls are busy warding off creeps and trying to make up the extra 17% of income they lose as a result of the gender wage gap. Show them you’re worth making time for.

The number one complaint I hear from girl friends in our post-date analyses is that they aren’t sure whether it was actually a date or not. It’s an unfortunate phenomena I’ve experienced myself: A guy asks if you want to ‘hang,’ and you either end up awkwardly fifth wheeling in a group of his friends, texting each other endlessly without meeting, or getting such mixed signals that you’re convinced he really just wants to be buds. I get it. Trying to keep your would-be date low-key seems like a good way to minimize the risks of embarrassment in the case of a rejection. But this tactic actually just makes your crush unsure about whether you want to date her or not. And think about it this way: Isn’t it better to know right away whether a girl is interested in you romantically? Unclear intentions really just prolong the inevitable, and create a lot more pain when the truth is revealed. Approach her with a confident “I’d like to take you out” over an apathetic “Wanna hang sometime?” You’ll avoid a lot of guessing games on both sides.

Another reason many fall victim to the dreaded hang is simply because it's nerve wracking to plan something fun for your crush. Here's an easy tip that'll solve this problem for good: invite her to something you normally like to do. Dates are just like any other time spent with friends, only hopefully with a little more flirting and maybe even some hand holding. So take the pressure off of planning a ‘great date,’ and plan something fun instead. Just make sure you plan something. If you're totally stumped, suggest a date that’s low-key and inexpensive where you can get to know each other—get ice cream cones and go for a walk in a park, check out a flick at a discount theater, or Google “free + fun + your city” for a million more ideas. The effort will go miles toward showing a girl how you really feel.

Sure, no one's a mind reader, but determining whether a girl is into your invitation usually isn't a great mystery. If she hesitates noticeably or tells you she's too busy to hang out, you can probably consider it a no—and pushing the point or trying to make her commit to a plan will only make her uncomfortable. At this point, you've made your intentions clear. Maybe she'll reach back out when she's not busy, but if she doesn't, move along with confidence. You deserve someone who is ready to make time for you, and a forced date is no fun at all.

Getting a no never feels good, but it shouldn’t make you doubt yourself, resent the person who’s turned you down, or keep you from asking out someone else. Romantic situations are complicated and every one of them is unique, but one thing is universal: Only you get to tell yourself how to feel. If you ask a girl out and she says no, you can feel confident in knowing you put yourself out there and were respectful of her wishes when she declined. And if you need any more convincing, acting rude or giving a girl the cold shoulder for not dating you is a lot more embarrassing than courteously accepting her no.

So much of working up to asking a girl out is bracing yourself for a no. But what if you actually do get the date you’re after with the girl of your dreams? Hopefully, if you take my advice to heart, you will get a date with a lady that truly deserves your attention. But remember that getting that date is just the first step! Remain clear with your intentions, ready for fun, respectful of her, and respectful of yourself throughout your awesome date, into the second one, through your first anniversary, as you take a knee to propose, and so on. These tips can be used at any point in your romantic journey, and on your personal journey, too. Good luck!