Image via Complex Original
Intro
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg married his long time girlfriend Priscilla Chan this weekend. And, as is the case with most high-profile events, every jackass with a Twitter account sounded off on it. Here's a collection of especially atrocious, unprovoked attacks that, thank goodness, were limited to 140 characters. Want to know what it feels like to take pity on a twenty-eight-year-old billionaire? Start clicking!
Rice
@ScottyBelfs
Billionaire entrepeneur Mark Zuckerberg gets ethered by a kid who, judging by his icon, sleeps in a bunkbed.
Congrats
@DeviouslySane
"DeviouslySane" uses uncharacteristic control in expressing her excitement for Zuckerberg's marriage with a mere four exclamation points. Then, she closes her eyes, or smiles, or whatever the fuck ">_<" means.
Backhanded
@aliencorvette
A bit backhanded, but in the Twittersphere this is about as sincere a well-wish as you'll find.
You Mad
@Clayton1987
Dude must've gotten switched to timeline.
Beard
@francoslv
Franco followed an angry tweet about CMT cutting "Eye of the Tiger" out of Rocky III with this conspiracy theory to all ten of his followers.
LMBO
@PashynFrewt
Careful not to offend, "PrimaDonna" uses the family-friendly "LMBO" after her racist sex joke.
Sideways Pimpin
@_JUICE__
A guy who refers to himself simply as "JUICE" and whose icon seems to imply that there is a web-based service that supplies a "hoes" history is shaking his head. SMH.
Ugly As
@p_eazzzy
Mr. P Eazzzy (with three z's) whose recent images includes this Instagram'd self portrait, calls someone ugly.
Irony
@Deanofcomedy
A self proclaimed "Dean of Comedy," in addition to not really understanding irony, also, apparently, sucks at writing jokes.
Haters
@jcpoole94
In a tweet that shook the nation, Jeff Poole from "Chicago" comes to the defense of Zuckerberg. His condemnation of the "haters" and subsequent call to action sends shockwaves through the Twittersphere.
Finally Married
@PRETTYSOPHIETPT
Ebbz the God must be a very important, relevant person. You know because he's tweeted over 63K times. In addition to the the carefully crafted social commentary above, Mr. the God has a business plan that he's also shared on Twitter: "I should open a restaurant called #FaggotChow. Specializing in queer cuisine like salad and wraps and fancy drinks"
Canseco
@JoseCanseco
Jose Canseco tries to reach Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg on Twitter. Naturally.
Code
@MattGoldich
The lap dance was bananas. Should've seen the way she hacked that ass up. Damn. It's not funny when we do it either.
Minted
@James_Cohen
A rather profound inference from a guy who spells his name with a triangle.
Mean
@NadiaNiddy
Whenever someone says they're not trying to be "mean" or "racist," it means that whatever they're about to say is going to be totally vile. In this case, some chick who nobody has ever heard of (but thinks enough of herself to post 30 tweets in the last 12 hours) calls Zuckerberg's wife "ugly." Then, types a pair of dashes seperated by an especially long underscore for some reason.
Idiot
@CJ_Linden
Not sure how a billionaire computer genius is going to recover from this shot by CJ from "Rhody." His life sounds awesome and he's really good at Scrabble.
Poke the Bride
@macleanbrendan
The tastefully disheveled Brendan Maclean makes an obvious joke and is validated with the highly sought-after "50+" retweets. He must be a really big deal.
Yellow Fever
@SaysTheTeacher
Yes. It also explains why you have 11 followers.
Timeline
@DConDelight
A frat guy from prestegious Clemson University tells a CEO from Harvard how to run his $100B company.
Shes Ugly
@cheddacherbzi
Mr. "Legal Gangsta" who is "too lazy to wyt a bio :d" follows "Celeb Newz" (with a 'z') and judges people.
Doesnt Care
@dustinwellsME
A poorly punctuated voice of reason.
Manage That
@JaccTrippa
Mr. Trippa who, rather wisely, copywrite protected the name "Hoebituary Writer," has an insightful observation and pressing question for Mark Zuckerberg. We see a Pulitzer in his future.
Hustle
@TheIvoryWay
Renound satarist and respected cultural critic "Cloud Strife" (a name stolen from a videogame) shares an especially shrewd, original thought. His astuteness is rewarded with three retweets. A benchmark he'll undoubtedly brag about for weeks.
Think He Me
@AndWassap
Larry makes, at least, four factual errors in 140 characters.
Stealing Twins
@ADfromBV
A.D. comments about a marriage by making a divorce joke. It doesn't make any sense, but he probably thinks it's really clever.