By now, you’ve probably seen a video of Lindsay Lohan speaking in a put-upon accent that’s even weirder and confounding than the British one Madonna adopted around 2000. Lohan explained her new way of speaking this morning by telling the Daily Mail, “It's a mixture of most of the languages I can understand or am trying to learn.” She later followed up via Twitter.
This accent stuff is surely bizarre, but the video that it debuted in contains many other disturbing elements to the video. Who are the women behind her? Who is that Saved-era Mandy Moore look-a-like? Why is Lindsay’s face so shiny? Why won’t she look directly into the camera? And, truly the most disturbing question to be asked, is why, dear god, does Lindsay Lohan have blonde hair again?
I’m gonna make a bold claim right now: any time Lindsay Lohan has blonde hair, bad things happen. Yes, I know this sounds truly insane, but there’s a history to this. In 2005, Lohan debuted a platinum hairstyle around the release of Herbie: Fully Loaded and “Confessions of a Broken Heart,” the daddy issues ballad off her sophomore album. Know what else happened in 2005? Some brushes with the law—a October 2005 car crash (following a first in 2004)—and the release of troubling photos of the star looking TOO SKINNY.
In 2006, Lohan went raven haired and things settled down for the better (with the exception of a car crash that wasn’t her fault). She starred in some smaller indie movies, Robert Altman’s final film A Prairie Home Companion and Bobby, and was on the cover of W Magazine with legend Meryl Streep. Streep actually said that Lohan was “in command of the art form.” She also started going to AA meetings and seemed to be in a stable relationship with Harry Morton, who was sober. Did this last? Did Lindsay keep her hair dark? You know the answers to both of these questions.
The blonde came back in 2007, bringing along with it Lohan’s first DUI and a cocaine possession charge in May 2007. She pled guilty, went to rehab briefly, got ANOTHER DUI and spent a full 84 minutes in jail, where we got her first two mugshots. (For the record, Lohan is blonde in four of six total mugshots.) On top of that arrest, there was a video of Lohan allegedly snorting cocaine with friends, she went to rehab two other times, and worst, I Know Who Killed Me was released.
Lohan then straddled the strawberry blonde/blonde line in 2008—around the time when she dated Samantha Ronson—but went full blonde again in 2009. That year included a disastrous stint as a fashion designer and a split from Ronson. That bled into 2010, when she made alcohol monitoring anklets “fashionable” and was sentenced to 90 days in jail for violating her parole. She later flunked a drug test and went back to rehab for the fifth time.
This cycle continues and continues, so flash forward to 2012, the era of Lohan’s “comeback.” She was set to play Elizabeth Taylor in the Lifetime movie Liz & Dick, made a guest appearance on Glee, and joined the cast of Paul Schrader’s The Canyons. She also had red hair. None of those roles led to any real critical or commercial success, but they were semblances of a life getting back on track. Throughout 2015 and earlier this year, Lohan was living a healthy-seeming life with very not blonde-seeming hair. Living abroad meant that she had possibly escaped the clutches of her leeching family, she was finally off probation, and Lohan admirably became an advocate for Syrian refugees. And she was engaged and newly 30!
But now here we are: a new accent, a new nightclub, and that old, familiar, EXTREMELY FOREBODING hair color—and things seem concerning again. I’m worried! You should be worried! Lindsay Lohan has blonde hair again, and I don’t think it’s doing her any favors.