“What’s your Twitter?”
It’s three of the scariest words I could ever hear from someone I could possibly, maybe, sort of, kind of, potentially be interested in on a Beyoncé and Jay Z level, or at the very least, a Mimi Faust and Nikko situation. The equivalents — “Are you on Facebook?” and “What’s your Instagram?” — are no less frightening. I get it, but slow down, son, you’re killing ‘em.
I’m not naïve. Our lives are an open book thanks to Google. And as a person who makes a living (or close enough, anyway) by sharing his musings about multiple subjects on the Internet, I’m especially easy to find. Then you have to take into account that Facebook makes it damn near effortless to stalk the hell out of someone. I’m also just learning, from an admitted stalker, that Instagram has a hack where you can find a person's IG profile based on their phone number.
Honestly, none of that bothers me. I’d be a hypocrite in the key of Kanye West if I pretended that I never, uh, “investigated a date.” Even so, I have the decency to not immediately follow anyone I’m interested in mere minutes after the initial, “What yo name iz? Tell me what yo name iz?”
I’m not online giving you a telescopic look at what I’m doing with my dick and heart. Even if I were, such is my right. The bottom line: I think instant social media connections between platonic friends are just fine, but there ought to be something sacred when it comes to someone you’re interested in on a more intimate level.
Though there are other people who have this problem, my online persona is not different than what greets you in person. Still, as hard as it is to get to know someone on an intimate level, it’s even harder to do so if they develop a preconceived notion about you based on tweets and Instagram comments. Not to mention, call me old fashioned, but I’d like for a person to reveal how crazy they are through interpersonal channels.
I could go on.
Like, let me talk about you online through nondescript terms in peace. Hell, let me talk about other people I may be interested in without the fear that I’m potentially ruining a good thing by simply keeping my options open — which is totally okay according to those fake relationship experts y’all foolishly give your money to (insert Tyrese’s and/or any fake celebrity’s name here). Before you even think to say, “Well, maybe you should keep some things to yourself. That’s what your friends are for.” Bitch, shut up.
I’m not online giving you a telescopic look at what I’m doing with my dick and heart. Even if I were, such is my right. The bottom line: I think instant social media connections between platonic friends are just fine (though I’ve already warned you of the dangers there), but there ought to be something sacred when it comes to someone you’re interested in on a more intimate level.
Those connections are special, and when you want to get all Aubrey Graham with a person, you should be putting your best foot forward. You should also be willing to put in the work to really get to know someone.
I was recently on a date and I noticed me and the bae-bae both took pictures of the dessert we shared. Despite both of us doing it “for the ‘gram,” I made sure not to be like, “SO WHAT’S YOUR INSTAGRAM? HUH? HUH? HUH? I WANNA SEE THAT SHIT. I GOTTA KNOW WHO ELSE YOU FUCKING WITH, B.”
Once this connection proves to be something worth taking to another level, then we can make all those connections on Twitter and Facebook. But if we break, I’ll probably be blocking thine ass. You ain’t about to mess up my future love rounds.
Michael Arceneaux is from the land of Beyoncé, but now lives in the city of Master Splinters. Follow him at @youngsinick.
