Eveything We Learned From the Kids' Choice Awards

Prime time slime.

Mar 30, 2014
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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

No awards show actually matters. It's refreshing that the Kids' Choice Awards doesn't even pretend to try. While the Oscars wraps itself in the trappings of Hollywood mythology to hide its thin program and the VMAs behave like anyone cares about MTV beyond a twerk here and there, the Kids' Choice Awards are upfront at every turn. This is a venue for shamelessly plugging upcoming films and selling sugary breakfast cereal to innocent children—nothing more.

Children must love the Kids' Choice Awards. Nickelodeon manages to get real star-wattage from film, music, sports, and even professional wrestling. Rather than allow these stars to give indulgent speeches or be montaged into something that is supposed to have meaning with a capital "M," they speak as few sentences as their PR people demand and then get slimed.

Watching the Kids' Choice Awards as an adult is a strange thing. You can see the cracks. You notice just how stage-mother-prepared the child stars are. You can't help but see the desperation in the eyes of fading older stars whose song and dance only works on the kids these days. But rather than dwell on the KCA's meaning in the broader culture, we'd rather snark on it. Here is everything we learned from the Kids' Choice Awards.

RELATED: 25 Great '90s Kids Shows You (Probably) Don't Remember

Mark Wahlberg is replacing Jack Nicholson as America's drunk uncle.

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This guy's IDGAF quotient is off the charts. Even when he was trying to care, it didn't look like he cared.

Slime rains eternal.

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Nickelodeon knows where its bread is: sliming celebrities. It's good to know some things never change.

There's going to be a Grown Ups 3.

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Chris Rock spent most of his time on stage begging us to see his upcoming schlock with the volume and "I could give two shits" attitude of a sandwich board guy in a busy city intersection. Sandler did some of the same. Kevin James must have been busy shilling elsewhere.

We've never seen a shameless plug quite like Adam Sandler winning "Favorite Film Actor" for an upcoming performance.

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Though Blended hasn't come out yet, Sandler beat out Robert Downey Jr. and Johnny Depp for an orange blimp.

Nickelodeon has their Shakespeare of slime.

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Dan Schneider is at least partially responsible for pretty much every live-action Nickelodeon hit dating back to All That. His past hits include Kenan & Kel, The Amanda Show, Drake & Josh and iCarly. Respect.

David Blaine knows his audience.

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David Blaine's "decapitation trick" followed by cuts to horrified children in the audience was a high point of the night.

The "Wrecking Ball" parody is not dead yet, but ought to be after this.

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R.I.P.?

The Oscars would do well to add a "Favorite Male Buttkicker" category.

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It would play way better than those dumb montages.

The Slime Rodeo was actually amazing.

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Make it a Youtube priority.

Australia breeds beefcake.

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Apparently, Nick is taking a page out of the CW playbook and putting square-jawed Aussie lads front and center as tween lust bait.

Pharell is redefining menswear.

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The SpongeBob onesie is proof.

Your relevance in Hollywood is directly proportional to how much you're allowed to blow off the Kid's Choice Awards

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While the child stars hopeful to break out were on their slickest behavior, thanking fans and dressing for success, Adam Sandler looked like your dad on a Sunday in his rumpled Superman t-shirt. When he felt a less-than-acceptable amount of orange balls fall from the ceiling, he called the proceedings "pathetic" over the microphone.

Will Arnett gave a slightly more inspired turn, playing a guy who came to the proceedings from the future ... kind of.

Robert Downey Jr. continues to be the best.

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Just when you think he can't get any better, he outdoes himself yet again. Downey Jr. began his acceptance speech for the coveted Favorite Male Buttkicker award by saying, "This is the highest honor ever bestowed on upon me."

The selfie revolution will be televised (over and over again).

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With each new awards show comes a shameless social media selfie moment. The kids watching at home were begged to tweet their own #kcaselfie.

Mark WahlbergNickelodeon

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