"Jersey Shore" Recap: Everyone Catches Crabs

"Jersey Shore" Recap: Everyone Catches Crabs

This week on Jersey Shore, the story focused less on relationship drama and more on the antics of the group as a whole, which is exactly what we want to see. It was a great improvement over the previous episodes this season, and we can only hope that it's just the sign we've been waiting for; perhaps the rest of the season will follow suit and something worth noting will actually happen before the finale! Who's voting for Pauly's stalker to be involved somehow?

Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@tanyaghahremani)

Fishnets Can Be More Than Just Stockings

As the episode begins, Roger is pissed at a guy who's trying to ogle Jenni in her barely-there dress, and he's about to punch him. The fight eventually does happen, but it's rather uneventful and the gang is ushered out before it can get good. No one seems disappointed by this except for us.

Back at the house, Snooki goes on and on about how she wants to get it in with Jionni and about how excited she is and other gross things. Unfortunately, she ends up jinxing herself, because he gets sick the second they walk into the house. He rushes off to the bathroom and Snooki follows like a puppy to wait outside the door for him to finish puking his guts out. Most women might consider their significant other being sick as a turnoff, but Snooki still wants to get it in. Determined, that one is. He immediately proceeds to pass out in Snooki's bed once he's done in the bathroom, because he probably has alcohol poisoning. Snooki is mad about this, and doesn't seem to grasp that he doesn't feel well after merely drinking copious amounts. This makes sense, though, because Snooki clearly has a liver made of steel and doesn't know anything about alcohol poisoning.

Jenni, meanwhile, is having a similar problem, only in her case Roger is busy hanging out with the roommates rather than smushing with his scantily-clad girlfriend. Jenni gets mad, and Roger has sufficiently cock-blocked himself for the night. Good job, bro.

The next morning, the girls are bored with life (you know, because being on a reality show and making tons of money for getting wasted on a nightly basis is so boring), so they decide to go "crabbing." No, you guys, not the STD, the actual act of fishing! "I already got crabs last night at Karma," Vinny complains, but it has been decided: Jersey Shore is going fishing.

Everyone goes out onto the docks to fish, and it's fairly, but unsurprisingly, unsuccessful. As expected, Snooki and Deena complain about being bored after about five minutes. They eventually decide it would be more fun to go on a boat, and after a good amount of time trying to actually get the inflatable boat to the water, they take off sailing. Unfortunately, these are the meatballs, and they don't actually know how to row; they row against each other and eventually end up under a dock. Finally, Ronnie and Sitch step in to make sure that they don't, you know, die, which would make for a pretty somber episode.

Ronnie decides to be a jerk and he lets the air out of their boat, causing the girls to literally sink into the water. Deena thinks there may be a shark nearby, and she begins freaking out, despite the fact that it's only about three feet of water and sharks don't eat meatballs.

And, obviously, no one catches anything.

Pauly's Stalker Is Back!

The next day, at work, Danny tells Pauly that his stalker (remember her? Crazy teeth?) came into the T-shirt shop looking for him yesterday. "Did you talk to her?" Pauly asks in a fearful tone, to which Danny replies that he was afraid to. Is Jersey Shore slowly turning into a psychological thriller.

Back at the house, Sitch talks to Snooki about the state of her relationship with Jionni. Snooki admits that she wants to marry Jionni, and Sitch tells her he would run into the wedding during the ceremony and object. Snooki replies that she would shoot him in the eyeball. Fair enough.

He makes a pretty heartfelt statement about how he just wants Snooki to be happy and be with a guy who won't take advantage of her, but it's not too clear if he actually means this since he's spent the last few episodes talking about how he wants to make her life a living hell. Mike's evolution into a cartoon villain: almost complete.

Later, Snooki and Sitch make a bet while they're playing some game that involves blue balls. As in, actual balls—get your mind out of the gutter. The bet goes a little something like this: If Snooki loses, she has to wear that bunny suit called Lola to Karma for 15 minutes. She loses, of course. Thus, Lola is going to Karma.

Snooki doesn't seem to be all that phased, even going so far as to refer to the inanimate bunny costume as her "best friend," and she proudly dons the suit an heads off to the clubs. It makes for some weird scenes on the dance floor, but this is Seaside Heights, after all. It's a different world than ours.

After a night of partying, everyone heads back home. Deena and Snooki are visibly wasted when they leave, though, so instead of going with everyone else they decide to go to the beach even though it's closed. It's like a scene from Baywatch, only, as Deena points out, without the red swimsuits and David Hasselhoff. Also, more fake eyelashes.

Eventually the cops come and usher them out of the water. Deena tries to hit on the cop, but even drunk Snooki thinks this is a bad idea and tells her to shut up. The cop isn't amused.

Vinny And Snooki, Redux?

The next morning, Snooki and Ronnie wake up still drunk, but not the good kind of drunk—the drunk where your body is trying to tell you to stop drinking. So, naturally, they decide it would be a great idea to just drink their hangovers away. This leads to Snooki buying a miniature motorcycle for Ronnie, which then leads to Snooki losing control of the bike and nearly dying. Again. Nothing much to report here.

On the boardwalk, Pauly, Jenni, and Sitch are at work. Pauly's crazy stalker, Vanessa, is there, creepy teeth and all. Even Jenni is annoyed by her reappearance, so she decides to actually approach her and see if she can get her to talk. Crazy Stalker doesn't really say anything when Jenni actually does confront her, although she replies "yes" when Jenni asks her if she has a boyfriend. When Jenni asks who, however, Crazy Stalker doesn't reply. Clearly, she thinks her boyfriend is Pauly. Psychological thriller, indeed.

Vinny and Snooki decide to go out onto the boardwalk because Jionni was being a prude on the phone with her, and she's annoyed. They flirt a little more than they probably should, over tons of drinks; it's clear at this point that this may not end well. More relationship drama has to be on the horizon, after all, because there are still about three episodes left in this season.

The two of them go to Aztec. Snooki is drunk out of her mind, but Vinny is level-headed enough to stop drinking before he gets crazy wasted and ends up doing something that Snooki will regret in the morning. How sweet. He's not level-headed enough, however, to not refer to him and Snooki as the "Ross and Rachel" of Seaside Heights. Hey, guys, remember when we compared last week's episode to Friends? Psychic!

The episode ends with Snooki and Vinny heading home, their intentions for the rest of the night to be determined next week.

The Episode's Best Quotes

"Viagra takes at least three hours to kick in, Jenni, you've got to give him a break." - Ronnie knows what he's talking about, apparently

"You alive?" - Snooki to her boyfriend, Jionni

"I like, wanna say it. I caught crabs." - Jenni, OK, this joke is over.

"This boat is sinking, and I have seen Titanic, and this is not going to end well." - Snooki

"I think the blanket is wrapped around something heavy. It's either...Pauly's hair or a chainsaw." - Jenni in reference to Pauly's stalker's bag

"Ice cream? What are we, four?" - Snooki, obviously not

Follow ComplexPopCult

Tags: jersey-shore, mike-the-situation, snooki, vinny-guadagnino, jwoww, mtv, reality-tv
blog comments powered by Disqus