Tabatha McGurr is a Brooklyn bred-writer currently residing in Bed-Stuy with her boo and dog Coco. She's been running to the Married To The Mob blog for the past six years. In her weekly column, she gives Complex readers insight into what today's young women really think about love, sex, and relationships.
Now that we're fully in the midst of the holiday season, just about everyone I know is leaving the city or heading back home to be with their families, partake in the festivities, and indulge in some much needed relaxation. While It’s already hard enough to unwind on your own when surrounded by an intense family, what about with a significant other in tow? It seems unlikely that you’ll find intimate alone time when your relatives are swarming you with conversation and questions all day, but it’s not impossible. It wouldn’t be a truly merry weekend without a few secret romps with your boo. After all, sex one of the best gifts you can give or receive. Just follow my some of these pointers to be sure you don’t get caught and taint those holiday memories forever.
I’m a creature of comfort, so anytime I get ready to spend a weekend somewhere, I always make sure to bring the basics for creating a mellow atmosphere. For my man and I, those essentials are weed, music, and food. Now I realize that most families don’t condone weed smoking, especially not in the house during a wholesome weekend, but fortunately for me, my folks are indifferent to that shit, making it one less vice we have to conceal. If you don’t have the luxury of free-spirited parents, your second best bet for letting loose is booze, so bring a few choice bottles. You probably don't want your lady getting sloppy drunk if this is her first time around the parents, but a few drinks is always good for loosening up. As for the music and food, they’re solely needed in making the commute to wherever you’re going more exciting, which brings me to my next point...
GETTING THERE IS HALF THE FUN
Obviously, a car full of family isn’t the place to get frisky with your lady, but when it’s just the two of you driving, it’s a totally different story. As a strictly subway-taking New Yorker, road trips are few and far between for me, so I really like to make any couples drive special. Once the dope music, delicious snacks, and pre-rolled L’s are all taken in, you can graduate to the next activity: road head. It sure beats playing the license plate game to pass the time. All of these activities combined can be a little dangerous when driving, so engage at your own discretion. Cops are all over the highways during the holidays, so if weed and high-speed blowjobs make you paranoid, pull over and do your thing in a concealed rest area instead. As long as you know where you're going and don't get arrested in the process, it should be an awesome ride.
GET YOUR SNEAK ON
If you've got the type of parents that wont let you sleep in the same bed as your significant other, I feel sorry for you, but strict rules or not, there are plenty of opportunities to sneak around after everyone else is asleep. Luckily there’s no such cockblocking around our household, but there’s still nothing easy about trying to get it on in a house full of people, no matter how cool your parents are. Steer clear of old creaky furniture, keep the noise levels to mute, and most importantly, never forget to lock the door. It seems like the most basic of all tasks to remember but somehow I know plenty of people who’ve been walked in on, a traumatic experience for all parties involved. Personally, I’ve always preferred the shower strategy where noises get masked by the sound of the water, plus you’re getting clean in the process! Then, there's always the nap technique where you both pretend like you're exhausted and retreat to the bedroom to “sleep” in the middle of the afternoon. It’s obvious, but it works.
MAKE A RUN FOR IT
Getting busy shouldn’t be limited to inside the house. Sometimes the only way to find peace among family insanity is by getting away from it, hence the “run to the store” trick. Pretend like you need to get something from the grocery and ask your folks if you can grab them anything. It throws off any suspicion and makes you look like a sweetheart. Then, take yourselves a joy ride along a secluded road, pull over somewhere, and make up for any lost time. This works best if you're out in the ‘burbs or country. Trying such a stunt in the city could land you both in jail. And don’t forget to bring back what your fam requested or the jig is up.
KEEP IT QUICK
There are times for drawn-out, passionate love making, and there are times for fast, spur-of-the-moment quickies when a sexual craving comes on. Holiday weekends in the presence of family definitely call for the latter. If the urge to blaze hits, you need to make it snappy. You never know when your mom or grandma might come knocking to ask for something. That's why you should always keep clothing options simple and have your chick in something easily removable, like a dress or sweats. Anything too intricate will blow up your spot when it’s time to react fast.
Whether you smash on the trip over, in the shower, or in the guest bedroom, keep the cardinal rules in mind. At the end of the day, you’re still at your folks’ house, so you have to stay respectful, especially if you don’t want them thinking that you or your girl are raging nymphos. If the risk seems too high, it won't kill you to wait until you're back at your own place, but you'll also never know how dangerously sexy it feels to partake in such sexual mischief. Couples on the naughty list always have more fun!