Curious about sperm donation? We were too, until we came across some literature. (Literally, we ejaculated on some reading materials, 'cause we didn't know what else to do with them. What? We're semi-literate over here!) Anyway, after that, we got hip to the process by watching a bunch of movies that dropped loads (of knowledge) about dropping the kids (who you hope you'll never know) off in plastic cups. The latest of these flicks, The Switch, releases all over theaters this Friday. Jason Bateman plays a guy who's secretly in love with his best friend (Jennifer Aniston) and who replaces the high-quality donor sperm, with which she is to be artificially inseminated, with his own inferior mancake batter. We're pretty sure there's a lesson to be learned in there, and we aim to figure it out so we're not just shooting blanks when you check out the five things movies taught us about sperm donation...
#1: SPERM BANKS ARE FULL-SERVICE INSTITUTIONS
Which would you rather squeeze off into: a vagina or a plastic cup? Really?!? Well, for those of us who aren't turned on by inanimate receptacles, sperm banks come equipped with pornographic movies, magazines, and pics to raise a dude's...interest. According to the Tom Green/Seann William Scott/DJ Qualls classic Road Trip, hot nurses are also available for milking—your prostate, that is. Medical professionals give this technique two thumbs up...primarily because their index and middle fingers are buried in your rectum.
#2: YOU MAY NOT BE WHAT SHE HAD IN MIND
Despite careful screening to determine the medical and genetic history of donors, mix-ups do occur. A woman might request the sperm of an intelligent black man and receive a sleazy white car salesman's (Made in America); she might splurge on superior splooge only for her neurotic, infatuated friend to replace it with his own (The Switch); she might even root out weirdos and wind up inseminated with a serial killer's psychopathic swimmers (Misbegotten). Like we tell the ladies: It's far less risky to just have unprotected sex with us.
#3: YOU WILL EVENTUALLY MEET YOUR KIDS
Try as you might to spread your DNA far and wide on some Charles Darwin shit without actually having to take care of your kids, you will inevitably have some kind of relationship with the lil' bastards. They will hack sperm bank computers (Made In America) or track you down using less illegal means (The Kids Are All Right) and contact you. Which is to say, change your name and address. Often. Hey, not being a father to your children is hard work.
#4: YOUR SPERM CAN DO BETTER THAN YOU CAN
Your seed may grace dirty tube socks, the random eyebrow, and any keyboard you use to visit Complex.com, but one thing it won't ever come into contact with is Jennifer Lopez's baby-maker. Unless it's blasted into her uterus by a turkey baster (The Back-Up Plan—we assume. Were we actually expected to watch this one?). What the hell, shoot for the stars!
#5: YOUR SPERM CAN DO WORSE THAN YOU CAN
Your poor little guys could also wind up in Whoopi Goldberg (Made in America). Have you no love for your semen, man???