Video game girls have always been a hot topic because a) many of them are impossibly gorgeous and b) they're not real. And there's nothing beter than arguing about fictional shit, because YOU CAN NEVER BE WRONG. Regardless, non-gamers are quick to dismiss VG lasses as symbols of nerd fantasy that set unrealistic expectations of both the female form and gender roles.Â But many of these characters are much more than just a knockout body and... and... must stop looking at Tifa... must... remember she's... drawn by some Japanese dude... *drool*.
Okay, let's pretend that didn't happen. Anyway, we figured it wouldn't be very Complex of us if we didn't submit some of these icons to the infallible Wifey/Trifey test. Who get wifed, and who gets knocked off and dropped off at the next save point?
TIFA LOCKHEART (Final Fantasy VII)
Wifey?: Tifa's had a soft spot for Cloud Strife ever since they were both children. She's always protected him, even when he leveled DOWN into his "bawww, I killed Sephiroth" emo mode. She simultaneously embodies the classic mother figure and the third-wave feminist.Â
Trifey?: Tifa fights in a skin-tight white T-shirt and mini-skirt, so she basically gives a little peep show every time she high-kicks an enemy. And by now, she's been in every fanboy's dirty little (final) fantasy at least 5 times.Â And let's not even start with all the hentai in which she's unwittingly starred. Even if she doesn't know it, she's been around.
Verdict: Her life-long loyalty to Cloud overrides the mini-skirt.Â WIFEY, hands down.
ELENA FISHER (Uncharted series)
Wifey?: Elena's a self-made woman—she produces, directs, and films her own TV reality shows. And she's saved Nathan's adventuring ass more than once.
Trifey?: Is she chasing Nathan or chasing ratings?Â Sometimes it's hard to tell.
Verdict: WIFEY.Â She's provided guidance for Nathan, and stuck by his side... even through all the semi-cheesy banter.
Morrigan Aensland (Darkstalkers)
Wifey?: Ultimately she's a responsible, strong female who fought to claim her rightful place by fighting Demitri to retake control of the Makai Realm.
Trifey?: Well... she's a succubus. So by definition, one of her sole objectives is to seduce men and steal their life-force. We did our best to avoid a Madonna joke right here—doh, too late.Â Morrigan is a super-cougar too, preserving her sexy even at 300 years old.Â
Verdict: Succubus = TRIFEY. Still, we'd let her live up to her name any day.
Princess Toadstool (Super Mario Bros. series)
Wifey?: Just look at her—she's the ideal representation of innocence and beauty.Â She's just so sweet towards Mario and Luigi.
Trifey?: But then we started thinking: why the hell does she keep getting "captured" by Bowser?Â She gets snatched up once, maybe twice, we can empathize.Â But over and over again? Call us crazy, but she must be creepin' on the side. Maybe it's a damsel-in-distress fetish (rapunzelphilia), which is coo, but coercing her lackeys to cover for her with the old "Sorry but our Princess is in another castle" line?Â C'mon, fam.
Verdict: TRIFEY.Â Sorry, we can't get that "captured" thing out of our heads. We understand she's a pillar of many a childhood, but as one gets older, one gets wiser...
Samus Aran (Metroid series)
Wifey?: She's a 6'3" blond Amazon who takes down space pirates and saves galaxies.Â Who cares if she probably can't even cook a Marie Callender's frozen dinner?
Trifey?: Samus is also a bounty hunter, so she loves money—maybe even more than she loves us.Â Plus being in another galaxy 4-5 nights out of the week means the extracurricular possibilities are endless. And as Chuck and Flav once told us, don't truss it.Â Â
Verdict: WIFEY.Â After careful consideration, we've concluded that Samus' frequent absences would result in more free time for us to play video games and troll furries on Chatroulette.Â The lady seems content bringing home the bacon. And there's nothing wrong with being the male equivalent of Carmela Soprano—it's 2010, let's be kept men already.Â
Naomi Hunter (Metal Gear Solid series)
Wifey?: Naomi is one of those mythically exaggerated "Brains x Beauty" types.Â Yeah, we know there are lots of smart and pretty women out there, but how many of them have the looks of a Victoria's Secret model and are able to manipulate genetic code?Â She's the video game version of Denise Richards' character in The World is not Enough, except somewhat believable
Trifey?: She injected Snake with the lethal FOXDIE virus, had sex with an undead guy (Vamp) and then slept with a geek (Otacon) in a helicopter.Â Read that last sentence again and ask yourself if you'd want to put a ring on that.Â
Verdict: We're going with TRIFEY on this one.Â Even if she morally redeemed herself in the end, she still crept with too many weirdos.Â *shudder*
Jill Valentine (Resident Evil series)
Wifey?: Jill has been Chris Redfield's loyal partner ever since the first Resident Evil.Â The STARS/BSAA leader also sacrificed herself to save Chris by tackling Wesker, with whom she plummeted down a cliff.
Trifey?: It turned out that she survived the fall, but then she tried to kill both Chris and Sheva in RE5.Â
Verdict: WIFEY.Â Despite the whole attempted murder ordeal, we'll cut her some slack.Â Wesker was manipulating her actions via a mind control device, so it's akin to her being really drunk and getting in a fight with you over that new female friend on your Facebook.Â And do you really want to rehash that again? You guys went to high school together, you're MORALLY OBLIGATED to sex-chat with her!
Ayane (from the Dead or Alive and Ninja Gaiden series)
Wifey?: Ayane is a ninja from the—wait, she's 14? Never mind, move along.
Trifey?: No, seriously: FOURTEEN YEARS OF AGE.Â The picture fooled us too.Â Now scram.Â
Verdict: Look, just wait another four or fve or 10 years or so,Â then make your judgment.Â (OK, we're guessing she'll be a WIFEY—she's been leading a clan, helping out Ryu, and trying to kill Kasumi. Doesn't leave much time for sloring around.)Â
Wifey?: She's a witch, but she's one of those "good witches."Â Whatever THAT means.Â What's that? It means summoning giant boots, dragons, and guillotines out of thin air? Okay. *shrug*
Trifey?: What we didn't mention is that the aforementioned giant boot is made out of her own hair, which in turn is actually her clothing. The more powerful the attack, the more hair she uses. So she spends a lot of time (mostly) naked.
Verdict: TRIFEY.Â She may have a solid moral compass, but we can't stand having a lady who busts out the birthday suit every time she gets in an altercation.Â It's a little too exhibitionist for our prudish tastes. What? WE HAVE DELICATE SENSIBILITIES!
LARA CROFT (Tomb Raider)
Wifey?: So we've finally arrived at the MJ (#23, not P.Y.T.) of female video game characters. She's the first true archetype to elevate female game characters to another level.Â Lara was a game-changer. Wouldn't you want to settle down with the real deal?
Trifey?: Unfortunately, being the original trendsetter means that she's been subjected to endless media scrutiny, collegiate faux-analysis, fanboy fiction, Rule 34, and just about every other bad thing that's spawned from the Internet.Â
Verdict: WIFEY. All that "experience" means she's wiser to the game now.