Yesterday, as on every Sunday, politicians and those who obsess over them descended on television studios across the—well, across the I-95 corridor. Or at least in NYC and DC, where the various weekly talk shows are shot. And by "yesterday," we mean "taped in advance to be broadcast yesterday." Nonetheless! There was much recitation of many bullet points, and much partisan fuckery, and since we usually find ourselves parked in front of the TV on Sunday mornings trying to figure out what we did last night soaking up the rhetoric, we figured it was high time we started shining a light on the true public enemies. Yes, we're speaking of talking heads.
Sometimes they're politicians, sometimes journalists, sometimes just people who enjoy yelling, but they all have one thing in common: week after week, they make us wonder why they have jobs. We compiled the best of the bunch, and hope that this becomes a weekly endeavor. Because even if our drug use and attitudes toward people mean we can never hold public office or work for a reputable news organization, at the very least we can take a steaming crap on those who do. Especially Monica Crowley...
The Show: This Week (ABC)
The Quote:After Paul Krugman (Nobel Prize-winning economist) took the Fox News president for misleading people about the Democrats' proposed health care plans, Ailes gave a nasty little juke, implying that Krugman had called the American people stupid. And when Krugman replied, "no, they're ill-informed," Ailes said, "How many words are in the Constitution? The founding fathers didn't need 2000 pages of lawyers to hide things, then tell people it's an emergency that we get it but it won't go into effect for three years."
Our Reaction: Wait, what? You mean the Constitution, which basically boiled down to "let the states figure it out," didn't have to comprehensively overhaul a bloated industry based on greed and buck-passing? And that has to do with Fox News anchors repeatedly misrepresenting facts...how?
The Show: Meet the Press (NBC)
The Quote: On the Democrats: "They've got these big majorities. They can't blame us for their inability to govern."
Our Reaction: No, what Democrats can't blame you for, Mr. Minority Leader of the House—a title that could not be more counterintuitive, by the way—is your orange skin and horribly patronizing tone. That's 100% Boehner (ayo!). What they can blame you for, though, is being a dickhead who'd rather let everything crumble than allow a democratic President (especially one who straight herbed you out at your own event) any legislative victory at all.
The Show: The Chris Matthew Show (NBC)
The Quote: Two zomgers from the Mad Money host this week. 1) "This iPad? It's gonna be the biggest device in history." 2) "If [Obama] stops picking on the bank industry, we might actually grow!"
Our Reaction: We can forgive a little overzealous Apple fanboyism, but to say that anyone's picking on the banking industry is like saying that women who press charges against their rapists are big meanies. Of course, coming from a guy who Jon Stewart already exposed as a hedge-fund huckster, we can't say we're completely surprised that he's sticking up for the industry that even with its corruption turned him into a gazillionaire.
The Show: The McLaughlin Group (Syndicated)
The Quote: On Obama's State of the Union Speech last week: "Have you ever seen the head of the Executive Branch egg on the Legislative Branch to jeer the Judicial Branch? it was unpresidential, and it was graceless of the president to do...On style I give him a D, I thought he was defensive and petulant and petty."
Our Reaction: It's petty to admonish a branch of the government for rolling back 60 years of judicial precedent and allowing corporations to donate unlimited amounts to political campaigns? No, pettiness is propagating lies about the president. Just sayin'.
The Show: Fox News Sunday (FNC)
The Quote: On the underwear bomber, Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab, "The guy is Nigerian. You've got to assume — you have to assume that he has people who are working with him."
Our Reaction: Because Nigerians aren't smart enough to blow their dicks off without help? Not only do you bear a creepy resemblance to Fever Ray's mask, Lil' Chuckie, but we've got a sneaking suspicion you might just be a li'l bit racist.