Complex film critic Ayo! Scott can't be bothered with screenings, so he's reviewing movies based on the trailer alone.
If there's one thing the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has a hard-on for—besides retards, genocide survivors, and the terminally ill, that is—it's freaks. With Benicio del Toro's latest film, The Wolfman, he will not only give Oscar voters wood but also make sure they bukkake bust all over his furry face. Like David Lynch's classic 1980 freak show, The Elephant Man, which was about this
afflicted chap inhuman abomination, director Joe Johnston's new "monster" movie follows a grotesque Victorian gentleman who nobody can stand to look at.
It all begins when Benicio is raped by a wolf, which causes him to develop hypertrichosis, a.k.a. "overgrown bush disease." (Everyone knows that masturbation makes palms hairy—hence Ayo! Scott's hands looks like Bruce Willis and yours look like Zack Galifianakis—but few are aware that being sodomized by a wolf will cause your taint hair to advance on your body quicker than the Nazis did Europe.) Already ashamed that he kind of enjoyed being run through by a wolf (see how he pushes moderately attractive Emily Blunt away), Benicio's life gets worse because he is so repulsive that normal looking humans would rather kill him than be forced to occasionally catch a glimpse of him. Worse still, they decide to do him in with "special" bullets, implying that, besides being a hairy monstrosity, he is also retarded (the Academy hardens). All this makes Benicio a very sad and angry freak, and guarantees that he's taking home the Oscar for best actor next year fur sure. Check out the trailer for yourself below to see what Ayo! is talking about...