Image via Complex Original
In the throes of the post-coital afterglow, many men mistakenly advance to the patting themselves on the back stage, not realizing they've thrown the game in the final moments.
Don't let the waves of oxytocin washing over you cloud your critical thinking. Finish triumphantly (pun absolutely intended) by avoiding these incredibly awkward moments. The payoff, of course, will be more sex. Motivated now?
By Shanté Cosme (@ShanteCosme)
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Failing to Recognize When to Leave
Stage of the relationship: A clear-cut one night stand situation
You're convinced that just because she has two X-chromosomes she's interested in post-coital cuddling? In reality, she is as vexed as a womanizing frat boy when you refuse to take note of her ample hints about her a.m. dentist appointment.
Please, recognize the situation for what it is. Don't go into octopus mode and force her to pry your every limb off our body like an extraterrestrial spawn from Alien when she needs to get up to pee.
Checking Your Cell Phone
Stage of the relationship: Every stage
Your first impulse after a bump-and-grind session that would make R. Kelly jealous shouldn't be to check your Facebook newsfeed. The breaking news is the girl in your bed. Observe a moment of technology silence for what just happened here.
Saying "I love you"
Stage of the relationship: A previously defined casual sex situation
The first utterance of these three words is a defining moment in any relationship. As a general rule, women prefer for these type of moments to occur when they're fully clothed, so there is no question in their minds as to what has motivated your sentimental display.
Do you love the way you feel rightthissecond, or do you actually love her? Don't drop an L-bomb during your sex session to avoid any confusion.
Failing to Clean Up After Yourself
Stage of the relationship: Every stage
This is kind of like those signs you see in antique shops: "You break it, you buy it." You hump her, you clean up after yourself. She just provided you with a glorious sexual experience. The least you can do is a get a hot rag (or maybe a handful of tissues) and dispose of the evidence.
Forgetting to Return the Favor
Stage of the relationship: Every stage
If you want to be known as "that sexually selfish dude," act as though her orgasming is completely irrelevant and nothing more than an afterthought in your mind. Seriously though, why do you have a monopoly on pleasure?
If there's a chapter in the Penis Owners' Manual that decrees your inalienable right to get off each time you hump that's been left out of hers? Short answer: Hell no.
Falling Asleep
Stage of the relationship: Every stage
If you neglect her vagina (see prior point) and then use your "long day" as an excuse to not bring the nookie full circle, you may wake up to being smothered by a pillow.
If the former point doesn't apply, and you're her boyfriend, she'll expect some interaction before you nod off. At the very least, a congratulatory high five for a job well done together. It affirms your bond, and it's an important ritual to maintain each night.
Asking for Feedback
Stage of the relationship: Casual sex/new relationships
Remember that mini-recap she enjoys when you've been dating for awhile, and how it elevates a carnal activity into a bonding moment? That shit goes out the window when you've only been dating for a short amount of time.
Don't fish for compliments post-sex and ask if it was good. Yes, it was. But, no, she's not going to admit, "Whoa, I didn’t even know penises could do that," even if she's thinking it. You're just not there yet, so stop expecting a pat on the back.
Expecting Round Two in the Morning
Stage of the relationship: Casual sex
If you're her boyfriend, feel free to request breakfast and sex at the same damn time. If you're someone she's having casual sex with (or worse, a one night stand), don't assume that just because you were lucky enough to bed her the night before, she'll automatically grant you another go-round in the morning. If you were the best she ever had, she might oblige you, but that's a bonus round, not a requirement.
Going Overboard With Pillow Talk
Stage of the relationship: A new relationship
Women get a bad rep for being clingy post-coitus. But believe that for every horror story you tell your boys, there are three women have heard from each of their girls. Nothing can take your new relationship from easy cruising to a car crash faster than getting too comfortable after you've done the deed and rattling off some corny shit. "That was special" and "really meant something to you"—really dude? Save that for your PBS special.
Asking Her to Leave
Stage of the relationship: One night stand/casual sex situations.
Yes, earlier we said she hates when you overstay your welcome, but life is unfair and double-standards run amok, so if she wants to sleepover after sex, you damn well better oblige her. Call it chivalry if you want to.
Don't finish and then launch into a laundry list of your to-dos for the next way as a subtle way of asking her to beat it. She's not going to require breakfast or stick around until 1 p.m.—if she does, feel free to show her the door—but let her fall asleep if she wants to. Please, be a gentleman, even if only for an eight-hour window of time.
