Ryan Lochte's Guide To Looking Like An Olympic Douchebag

*DISCLAIMER: This is a parody, so it's a work of fiction, duh.

Big #jeah for these. Beanies are perfect 24/7. They're like a swim cap, but you know, for land.

Need to class it up brah? Look no further than a bowtie — or as I like to call them, BROties. You wanna dress up, but not too much. The perfect balance? The short-sleeved shirt. It's like a T-shirt, with a collar. Throw a BROtie on there and you're 100% good to go.

You'll notice that my gold medals come on a purple sash. I had to get a matching shirt to make 'em pop when I rock them in the club — all at the same time.

I got invited to a black tie event. I love me some Jay-Z and nothing says class like an all-black everything formal ensemble. A shiny tie? That's so necessary. Huge #JEAH for shiny ties.

I read that you need to have a stylish crew for full fashion dominance. I got Joe Jonas bitches. Sure, when it comes to looking good in the pool, me and the swim team got that covered with our matching abs and compression pants — but when it comes to meetings at the Wheezy Heezy (aka the White House), nothing beats rolling up to that piece in a purple shirt and waistcoat with a Jonas brother in tow.

Yeah, that movie Magic Mike? It's pretty much based off my entire wardrobe. Castro hats, necklaces, and low-rise jeans? Welcome to my closet.

With so much sponsored gear, it can be hard to determine which stuff belongs to me in the locker room. My solution? Cop an ill neon backpack and stud the shit out of it. Also, convince Michael Phelps that growing a lip-tickler is a dope idea. When really, it's gets a HUUUGE NO #JEAH from Lochte Nation. Gotta keep my baby face intact — aiming for that Frosted Flakes mugshot!

So when I was talking to sponsors, I was like "what if we have me do a Spike Lee impression?" I invented a character called "Mars Whitemon" and he would follow me all around the pool. "It's Gotta Be The Grill!" never caught on... probably because it was too next level for the world.

Drake's "Over" is pretty much the story of this year's Olympics for me. I was feeling myself so much I took his advice and bought a red jacket with some zippers. I also tried to date Rihanna. She hasn't returned my texts yet, but it's cool.

Sometimes a swim cap isn't enough. When I'm up out the pool, I need to keep my Lochte-locks in check... but I also need to stay fly. Boom. I throw on a fedora. With anything. Wanna class up camo shorts? Fedora it. Need the perfect accessory for your floral swim briefs? Yup... a fedora.

Lochte Nation, you know I'm a stud. I need to express that outwardly by putting them on everything. Even lapels and pockets. Scratch that — especially lapels and pockets.

The number one rule of being fresh? Throw up your hands and make a face that says: "I DON'T KNOW HOW I GOT THIS FRESH!"

Lochte Nation is about the issues here. That's why I rock this ill keffiyeh. It says I am aware of global issues and am doing my part by supporting the styles of exotic people I know next to nothing about. That's more than solidarity. That's what I like to call BROlidarity.

When I'm not breaking world records, I'm breaking rules, and I think fashion has reached the point where we don't even need shirts to wear ties. Let's start a movement here. You with me, Lochte Nation?!

By now, you've pretty much learned all you need to know about formalwear from me... but this is my real ace in the hole. The white suit is pretty much the most formal you can get. It's so dope. I like to think of myself like the Notorious B.I.G. and Puff Daddy at the end of the music video for "Hypnotize," except instead of driving a speedboat... I am the speedboat.

I have a huge Lochte-on for slogan tees. This one right here is my current favorite.

This is a classic style move every guy should already be doing.

What, you think I just had one grill? This one right here is my "I can't believe they're not braces" grill. Strictly for stunting on herbs.

RIght here? This is my "not quite the Olympics yet" grill.

Notice the iced-out pattern here? Yup, even my grills get mad waaaaavy.

And Lochte Nation is very familiar with this masterpiece, I like to call it "America The BRO-tiful."

Yeah, I love grills, but I gotta keep my wrists iced out too. That's why I only wear expensive bracelets and watches.

Lochte Nation, my Reezy shades are gonna be all over the place this summer. They're gonna be the next Kanye venetian shades. Just wait.

And in case you forgot who I'm repping, the REEZY JEAH shades also come in patriotic colors... fresh from the state of China. Can I get a #JEAH?!

When you gotta tuck in your shirt, it helps to have a big buckle that does all the talking. Right now I'm wearing my studded out "REEZY JEAH" belt. But it's pretty limited-edition: one of one.

When you're shining as bright as I am, it can be really hard on the eyes. Proper protection gets a big #jeah from Lochte Nation.