Most ridiculous single rap lyric:
French Montana for “Skate off like a pirate with your thot” (“Hot N****” remix).
After having introduced the English language to both the words “fanute” (2012) and “alphet” (popularized in 2014), French now introduces the English-speaking world to the image of himself 1. as a pirate 2. on a skateboard 3. triumphantly rolling away with your thot in tow. Naturally, questions are begged. Does he wear an eyepatch? If so, can he still do a kickflip with the lack of depth perception due to the lack of one functional eye? These age-old mysteries may go unanswered, though what we do know for sure is that “your thot” is decidedly not coming back.
Most quotidian rap ad lib:
Key! for "Hello!"
And in close second…
OB O’Brien for "Hi" during Drake’s verse of the “2 On” remix.
Young Jeezy once famously rapped “An ad lib here, and an ad lib there—fuck it, ad libs everywhere!” on “3 a.m.” from his 2006 album, Thug Motivation 102: The Inspiration. In 2014 though, the ad lib game is saturated, and perhaps the most effective ones have become the ones that express restraint. Yes, the minimalist ad lib is having its day. If we reduce the ad lib to the core of its function, one could argue that the point is to remind the listener of the fact that the rapper is 1. still here and 2. thoroughly excited to be here. Hence “Aye!” Hence “Yeaaahhhhhhhhhhh!” Hence “Skrrrrrrrrrrrrrt!” OB and Key! have thus dissolved the established ad lib structure to its core with their respective repurposing of the mundane, and it works.
Most legendary producer cameo:
Metro Boomin in Future's “Monster” video.
Metro tweeted something this year about (to paraphrase) how he’s done playing the nice little brother type in the rap game, that he’s no longer playing around. The 21-year-old came for your spot—and took it, probably. He produced a song for Future and Kanye West (“I Won”). Drake remixed a song he co-produced for Makonnen (“Tuesday”). He had a placement on Nicki Minaj’s album (“Want Some More”). His SoundCloud account is immaculate. It was time for him to finally emerge from pulling the strings behind the scenes and into the public eye. He steals the scene in Future’s “Monster” video by wilding to a degree matched by neither the five-ish other males in the video nor the hundred-ish video vixens at Future’s night pool party. Metro is graciously carrying the bandanna torch for the Pacs and Soulja Slims that came before him.
Most likely to cause an international pear famine:
Rick Ross, for his shouting out to “all the pear.”
Who knew that a rapper could be the key to revitalizing the relevance of the all too often left out oblong member of the pome category of fruit? This is all well and good for the health of fellow RossFit believers such as myself, but let’s see if we can dig a little bit deeper. In 2014, there occurred the greatest lime shortage in recent history. You may have paid an extra dollar for your margarita and not even noticed. But what was happening was that the Mexican drug cartels were restricting the supply of limes to the point at which the price for a case of them had skyrocketed from $15 to $100 each. So what was Ross really doing when he said “I eat pears now…and shit like that” on such a public platform? Was he shifting the public eye to the pear in an attempt to avert our focus from cartel-controlled limes? Perhaps his alleged drug lord ties need to be revisited.
Most brilliant command of the art of shade:
Azealia Banks for referring to Iggy Azalea as “Igloo Australia.”
It boggles the mind that Iggy was able to not extract herself from the public eye entirely, let alone continue to say anything back to Azealia after this happened. Banks did more with just those two words to tarnish Iggy’s name than “Takeover” or “Ether” did to that of Nas or Jay.
Most emotionally therapeutic break-up anthem:
Big Sean for “IDFWU.”
Honorable mentions include Chris Brown's "Loyal" and K Camp's "Cut Her Off." Sean stepped up and expressed all too accurately the manifestations of vulnerability that we see in modern break-up culture. “I heard you got a new man, I see you taking a pic. Then you post it up, thinking that it’s making me sick.” We live in a world where it’s impossible to pretend like your ex doesn’t exist anymore because at every juncture of your continued life they will reappear in some form of social media or another. Am I projecting? I don’t know, but I do know that the only thing you really can do to cope these days is put “IDFWU” on repeat for six hours straight and scream “Bitch, I don’t give a fuck about you, or anything that you do” at passersby. Try it, it works.
Most capable of turning you into various foods:
Dej Loaf for “Try Me.”
Dej mentions, as deterrent, that she will turn you or some part of your anatomy into 1. pizza, 2. pasta, and/or 3. macaroni, all on one song. In a rap landscape wherein Rick Ross is recommending the pear, and you may end up in the form of a classic comfort food if you indeed decide to try Dej Loaf, perhaps American culture is truly headed for a more health-conscious future. That is, if we begin to associate these high cholesterol foods with the idea of becoming a caught body, and we associate pears with the miraculous transformation of Rick Ross, perhaps our national consciousness toward the value of nutrition will finally rise.
Honorable Mentions:
Most people forced to mispronounce a name due to an undeniable stream of hits: Rae Sremmurd for "No Flex Zone," "No Type," "Up Like Trump," "Illest Walking," "Throw Sum Mo."
Most likely to make the wrist a top five anatomical reference: Father for "Look at Wrist."
Most efficient disposal of the entire male gender: Nicki Minaj for “Lookin’ Ass.”
Most powerful duo: Young Thug and Rich Homie Quan.
Most likely to succeed: Drake.
Alex Russell was voted most likely be on Twitter @nonmogul.
