The 50 Biggest Hip-Hop Clichés

Examples: J. Cole with "Return of Simba" and "Work Out," T.I. with "I'm Flexin'" and "Love This Life"

You might be a rapper if... you get the guys on your side with a song that women would never listen to, and then woo the ladies with a song that's soft enough to blow your nose in. You then put your album out, and everyone calls it uneven, and you laugh and laugh and laugh all the way to the bank! (Until no one buys your second album, but no matter: you're sort-of rich now!)

Examples: Young Buck's "Haters," Maino's "Hi Hater"

You might be a rapper if... you get down in the mud with the proverbial "haters." Maybe you don't actually have any haters, but it's a nice thought to think that people care about you enough to hate you! Better to concentrate on shutting up random Twitter accounts than for you to put out quality music, right? Don't worry, your priorities are definitely not out of wack!

Examples: Jay-Z on "What More Can I Say," Kanye on "Cold," Nas on "One Mic," Biggie on "Who Shot Ya?"

You might be a rapper if... you fill the beginning of a song with "spur-of-the-moment" chatter to give the impression of being somewhat engaged in the recording process. The engineer who's recording and mixing your session probably appreciates the line, if not for the nod to his existence, than for its technical absurdity. But you know what he'd appreciate even more? If you hadn't kept him waiting all night for you to show up.

Examples: Every rapper interview ever

You might be a rapper if... you tiptoe your way through interviews, pulling more time out of the clock by saying generic phrases that ultimately mean nothing, running sentences on as long as possible without actually saying anything, and repeating the same idea but with different words, because, you know, that's just how the dice roll, you know?

Examples: Scarface, Future's "Tony Montana," The LOX's "Money, Power, Respect," Mobb Deep sampling the film's score on several occasions

You might be a rapper if... you cut the movie off before the bad guy dies. You're just following the script, reading the lines and doing the pose in the mirror. No one brings a fake character to life like you do!

Examples: Too $hort, Jay-Z, Lil Wayne

You might be a rapper if... your mansion that puts MTV Cribs to shame, your fleet of luxury cars, your harem of music video girls, your adoring fans yelling your words back at you, your free clothing, free travel, and free meals—all in the prime of your lucky life—has all become too much, and made you yearn for casual afternoons of shuffleboard and early-bird specials.

Examples: T.I.'s "I'm Back," Fabolous' "Yep, I'm Back," Eminem's "I'm Back"

You might be a rapper if... you announce your return! There you are! We were waiting, thank goodness you told us or else your dinner might've gotten cold. Don't worry: we'll heat that up, and while we're at it, why don't you just hop in the microwave along with your fish sticks?

Examples: 2 Chainz, Meek Mill, J. Cole

You might be a rapper if... it's impossible for any and every woman to resist you. And your money. And your charm... and your cash. And your smile. And your mula. Your pickup lines. Your fame. Your guap. Your presence, your presents, and your strict monogamy.

Examples: Every rapper

You might be a rapper if... everyone knows exactly how your show is going to play out, even though they've never even seen you perform. These days, it's more of a shock if Jay does not bring out Kanye, who brings out 2 Chainz, who brings out a hologram of President Eisenhower, who introduces the guitar tech from the Spin Doctors, who gets the crowd pumped for Alfonso Ribeiro's cousin's uncle's family friend to chant "Hova, Hova" at the end. Whatever—we saw this same show in 2002.

Examples: Drake on "Dreams Money Can Buy," Pusha T on "Exodus" and "Don't Fuck With Me," T.I. on "I'm Talkin' To You"

You might be a rapper if... you've compiled a group of rap enemies and in an effort to really hit them hard, you put a lot of time and effort into crafting the perfect put-down. Your goal is to shame them on the highest level, and send them into a deep, dark place where they'll never recover. You'll do anything it takes. Anything, that is, besides actually mentioning their name.

Examples: Ice T, Kid Cudi, Andre 3000.

You might be a rapper if... you lend your rap name to the credits of an action movie, recite one line, and hit up every press junket to declare that 1) you're a full-time thespian, and 2) the film industry knows how to burn through money! And this is definitely not because the music industry got tired of burning money on you.

Examples: Every MMG member for every single release.

You might be a rapper if... you claim you can turn water into wine. Few are making music that lasts longer than a week these days, but you're definitely the one to create art to span the ages. "Great work" is what the critics will say, millennia from now, when museums reveal framed portraits of your .mp3 email blasts.

Examples: 50 Cent's issues with Street King Immortal, Lupe Fiasco's battle with Atlantic Records over Lasers, Kid Cudi's problems with Universal over the promotion (or lack thereof) of WZRD.

You might be a rapper if... you call yourself the CEO, the boss, the head person in charge, the king, the kang, the president, and yet—you still pass the buck. If a single flops, or an album tanks, or fans are disappointed, why fault the person making the music? Instead, blame the people who gave money and opportunity to the person making the music. Any idiot can see that, from where the CEO sits.

Examples: Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa, Kid Cudi

You might be a rapper if... you want to act like an outdated cartoon character from an entirely different subculture, and want to take it so literally that it's humorless and sad! So you're wearing a lot of rhinestones and smashing guitars and biting the heads off of bats! Rock on, dude. *raises devil horn fingers in salute* *looks up at fingers, gets sad* *puts fingers down*

Examples: Rick Ross, Theophilus London, Wiz Khalifa

You might be a rapper if... you hide behind sunglasses. Are you too high? Are you too famous? Are you too cool? It's very hard to tell! One thing that's easy to see is that you're very important. Whether you're waiting in line at Walgreen's or washing your hands in the bathroom, you're looking like a celebrity and that is very awesome.

Examples: Ice-T saying Soulja Boy "single-handedly killed hip-hop," Nas' Hip-Hop Is Dead

You might be a rapper if... you can't stand the idea of someone younger than you being more successful at your job than you were. Yet at the same time you're distancing yourself from the new school, you take every chance to mention that you fathered each and every one of these young guns. And the thought that kids might think your era of hip-hop sucked makes you want to go to the doctor, because that pill is tough to swallow.

Examples: Dipset, QB's Finest, G.O.O.D. Music

You might be a rapper if... you don't care about love unless everyone can get a piece of her heart. You're so generous that you'll use your latest conquest to win your guy friends over. You may not know her name, but you better know the results of her latest STD test!

Examples: Mystikal signing to Cash Money, Snoop Dogg singing to No Limit, Mobb Deep singing to G-Unit

You might be a rapper if... you join a label because you're a resolute believer in the idea of strength in numbers. It of course has nothing to do with the fact that you're just looking to piggyback off of someone else's success or that a label want to sign you to regain/gain whatever kind of credibility they're currently lacking.

Examples: Young Jeezy's Thug Motivation 103, Juelz Santana's Born to Lose, Built to Win, Lil Wayne's Tha Carter III

You might be a rapper if... you promised that your collection of songs would definitely, absolutely, unquestionably debut on a certain date, only to have that date come and go—thanks to cold street singles, rappers delivering their verses late, and the label getting cold feet. And you definitely are a rapper if your excuse for the push-back is: we couldn't clear the samples in time.

Examples: Tity Boi to 2 Chainz, Uncle Murda to Uncle M, Fat Joe da Gangsta to Fat Joe

You might be a rapper if...a label executive can successfully convince you that grandmothers from Red States buy albums too, and therefore you need a new moniker. Forget about any momentum you may have earned from your original fan base, cause what's brand value worth anyway? So say goodbye, Snort the Drug Peddler and Long Range Sniper Rifle, and start learning how to respond to being called Picnic the Basket and Tall Guy.

Examples: Lil Wayne, Jay-Z, Lil Flip,

You might be a rapper if...you don't put pen to paper because you're just saying how you feel man. You're obviously not saying it because Jay-Z and Lil Wayne say it.

Examples: Gucci Mane, Lil Wayne, Game

You might be a rapper if... you fall on your face and end up with an ice cream cone. Slap a Mercedes logo on your forehead, block out the Burberry pattern all over your skin, cover your face with a giant frowny emoticon. Who cares? Life is short, you only YOLO once or whatever.

Examples: Chris Brown, Lady Gaga, Trey-Songz, Justin Bieber,

You might be a rapper if... you're not supposed to be rapping at all! Well, maybe it's not you—it's just your "street" character, who needs to "spit hot fire" to convey "real talk." Don't be discouraged by how you're not very good at it, yet! Just practice your aggressive face in the mirror and keep it up!

Examples: Kendrick Lamar and Adrien Broner, 50 Cent and Floyd Mayweather, 2Pac and Mike Tyson, Diddy and Naseem Hamed

You might be a rapper if... you are glorified arm candy for a boxer. You look so tough, holding your friend's hand, as he's about to bloody up some chump while you return to your seat! When the crowd is applauding for your friend, tell yourself that they're actually cheering for you and paying tribute to your talent. Great job!

Examples: Kendrick Lamar, Lil Wayne, Jay-Z, RZA, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Jay Rock

You might be a rapper if... Dr. Dre has asked you to contribute to the white whale of rap, his "upcoming" album, Detox. It's a rite of passage for all rhymesayers to write a verse for Dre's opus, so if you haven't been approached to pen in the living legend's voice, then you better not list "rapper" as an occupation on your tax forms.

Examples: Kendrick Lamar's good kid, m.A.A.d. city listening party in Chicago, Maybach Music's Self Made Vol. 2 listening party at Sin City, 2 Chainz' Based On A T.R.U. Story listening party at Tree Sound Studios

You might be a rapper if... you invite all the writers and industry heavyweights you respect to come listen to your life's work and they use the opportunity to drink and laugh and cavort. And you really might be a rapper if your emotions boil over and you start yelling at everyone, and nobody understands why you're upset.

Examples: Kanye West, Nicki Minaj

You might be a rapper if... the only way to get in contact with you is to talk to your guy, but not Lethal, Taco or Maurice (unless you're trying to get your social media/touring/taco situations figured out). No, the only way to get in touch with you is to email Sparky, who will call Buck — he's the only one who can talk to Oz, who lives in a coloring book and handles your day-to-day.

Examples: Young Money, Taylor Gang, Grand Hustle

You might be a rapper if... you put your ethnically and sexually diverse peoples on. Every rap clique has to resemble Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's family in looks and artistic talent, in that order. Someone to appeal to the streets? Check. Someone to appeal to the ladies? Check. Someone to write checks? Nah. In assembling a crew, it's more important to have the skills to pay the bills, than the actual ability to do so.

Examples: Drake, Kanye West, 50 Cent

You might be a rapper if... you pre-write your unwrittens, but act like you're going off the top of the dome. How do your boys know the words you're saying at the same time as you? It's not that you're predictable, it's that your thoughts are that powerful!

Examples: Lil Wayne, Kid Cudi, B.o.B

You might be a rapper if... You have more of an interest in being Joe Perry from Aerosmith than Run from Run-DMC. Whether it's to liven up live shows, or to noodle on a six-string while sitting on a co-ed's dorm room couch, rappers are keeping guitar makers in business. As Juicy J says, "bands'll make her dance."

Examples: Busta Rhymes, Papoose, KRS-One, French Montana

You might be a rapper if... you complain about New York City not representing as the birthplace of hip-hop anymore, and claiming that you're the one person qualified to put the five boroughs on your back and carry them to the top... all the way from the comfy confines of your suburban New Jersey and/or Connecticut and/or Miami mansion(s).

Examples: Jay-Z's Roc-A-Fella and Roc Nation, Kanye West's G.O.O.D. Music, Rick Ross' Maybach Music Group.

You might be a rapper if... you believe you're just as talented at picking artists and beats and marketing schemes and doing radio promotion and publicity as you are at putting together rhyming words. Or, you know, if no other record label would give you a chance.

Examples: Lil Wayne's "Lollipop," Rick Ross' "Face," Big L's line "Ask beavis i get nothing butt-head."

You might be a rapper if... you split most of your time between thinking of ways to describe semen, and words that rhyme with "brain," "top," "head," "getting smart," "blow-J," "vacuum cleaner," and "dome," instead of time getting any.

Examples: Gucci Mane vs. Young Jeezy, G.O.O.D. Music vs. Young Money, and Jay-Z vs. Nas

You might be a rapper if... you threaten a fellow rapper with bodily harm. And yet we all know the truth of the matter is that neither you nor your enemy will battle physically; your mans will fight with their mans. But that OK, because now your mans can call himself a rapper!

Examples: Pusha T, A$AP Rocky, 2 Chainz.

You might be a rapper if... you've never been to Europe but you're all up on the latest French brands, or at least the ones that were ultra-hip seven months ago. Your pronunciation may be off, but you only heard Kanye say it once, so you can't be blamed.

Examples: Rick Ross

You might be a rapper if... you've rewritten history—literally, by recreating your life story as a more exciting version. Like, for instance, claiming to have been a narcotics kingpin. And who can blame you? It's like showing up to your high school reunion in a helicopter with a hell of a ten-year story. You're the man, and no one's gonna ask any questions! (Sidenote: this all worked a lot better before the advent of the Internet, where nothing ever, ever disappears.)

Examples: Saigon, Astro

You might be a rapper if... you say that rap needs saving, and you're the one to do it. Why not? If anyone needs you to name one reason—it's simply because your album is coming out.

Examples: Jay-Z's "Roc Boys" video, Drake's "Forever" video, 50 Cent's "In Da Club" video

You might be a rapper if... you set the visual for your latest club banger in the swankiest VIP section, popping bottles and having a really great time, because you always have a really great time there. While everyone else goes to the club with high expectations and leaves with a headache, you're having a wild night of free drinks, beautiful women and syncopated dancing. And best of all you don't have to deal with bottle service fees—at least not on camera!

Examples: Nicki Minaj, Joell Ortiz, Talib Kweli

You might be a rapper if... you could NOT care less that you weren't included in some website countdown slideshow. Cause that list doesn't matter at all to you. And you're totally not going to spend time going on a rant about it on Twitter. And there's no way you would use the pages that you just printed off the Internet as tissues to wipe up the tears you're not crying, because you forgot to buy Kleenex, right? RIGHT?

Examples: T.I.'s T.I. and Tiny: The Family Hustle, and Flavor Flav's Flavor of Love, Love & Hip-Hop

You might be a rapper if... you put on your stage make-up and practice your concerned face for VH1. Sure, you grew up on fights and scraps in the streets, but only you know how to translate those talents to suburban audiences—by arguing about toilet paper and household duties. Rappers used to keep it real, but you're the one that keeps it "real."

Examples: Wu-Tang Clan starting Wu Wear, Jay-Z starting Rocawear, Nelly starting Applebottom

You might be a rapper if... you devote money, time and thread to the fashion world. You yourself might wear clothes that don't fit quite right, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't decide how other people should dress. Pair a cheap-looking jacket with some baggy-in-the-wrong-places jeans, and ... voila! You're a visionary, because you have no idea what you're doing.

Examples: 2 Chainz on "I'm Different," Kanye West, Jay-Z, Lil Wayne & T.I. on "Swagga Like Us"

You might be a rapper if... you say you're different than everyone else. Sure, that's just what everyone else is saying, but you're the one that's saying it this time so that's definitely different, and different is as different does, and you're just doing things differently than those other people. If you say it loud enough, it's bound to be true.

Examples: Lil B's "I Own Swag," Chance The Rapper's "Yolo"

You might be a rapper if... you say what everyone else is saying. They say "swag," you say it louder. Someone says "turnt up," you get it tatted on your face. If anyone says a few words worthy of a hashtag, you're the first one jumping on that train and the last one riding it off the cliff. Y'know what I'm sayin'?

Examples: MySpace rapper "Butch D, Rap Is My Side Hustle" (http://www.myspace.com/butchdrecords)

You might be a rapper if...you're gainfully unemployed, but you pretend like you're just rapping because you're bored. How can you be bored when you're managing your new artists, you say you're doing publicity, and you're busy running the streets? No one works harder than you do at doing nothing.

Examples: J. Cole's trailer for "Miss America," 50 Cent's trailer for "My Life"

You might be a rapper if... your team is editing down way-too-much behind-the-scenes video footage into a 9-minute preview for a 90-second snippet of a 3-minute song.

Examples: Soulja Boy, Game, Twista

You might be a rapper if...you're on your sixteenth album (we remember the first four!) and you tell every blogger that'll open your email blast that your most recent collection of songs is your finest. First of all, it's not. Furthermore, it's not up to you to judge. And worst of all, your actual best body of work is now rolling in its grave...and you've turned that into a dance.

Examples: Gucci Mane, Young Jeezy, and Meek Mill's "I'm Not A Rapper."

You might be a rapper if...you say you're not a rapper. How could you be one of them, when you're just being you, right? You should talk about how you're not a rapper in your new rap song—that'll clear everything up.