The mayor of Hell was suddenly ousted this week for simply doing his job. Elijah Daniel was impeached after banning "all heterosexuals" from entering Hell Wednesday, the Huffington Postreported. These radical heterosexuals were also offered a chance to engage in heterosexual reparative therapy sessions in order to denounce their heterosexuality once and for all.
"As of today, I am establishing new vetting measures to keep radical heterosexuals out of our town," Daniel said in his impassioned decree. "We want to ensure that we are not admitting into our town the very heterosexual threats we are fighting against. The straights coming into our town, procreating, having more straight children to take our rightfully gay jobs. We only want to admit those into our town who will support our town and love deeply our people."
The applaudable efforts in the tiny Michigan town by Daniel, a popular satirist, were inspired by Trump's preposterous Muslim ban. "My ban is a copy-and-paste of Trump's Muslim ban, but with heterosexuals instead," Daniel, who took some creative license in the copy-and-pasting, told the Post.
The ever-generous Daniel also offered heterosexuals the chance to pay $84,000 for a trial residency in Hell. After a year of refraining from "heterosexual activities," the $84,000—referred to as a "reproductive precautionary deposit"—would be returned to the heterosexual individual with an apparently massive expendable income.
Turns out, becoming mayor of Hell isn't exactly the most difficult position one could undertake. The unincorporated town does not hold elections, Salonpoints out, opting instead to allow people to assume office by paying a fee.
Daniel has since provided a travel recommendation for the neo-Nazi-sympathizer-in-chief. "Donald Trump should go to Hell anytime," he said. He also shared some retweetable advice for Ann Coulter:
