Image via Complex Original
Sex crimes are no laughing matter, but sometimes it's hard to argue with the fact that some people possess the creepy physical attributes of what we imagine sex offenders to be. Video game characters are no exception either. Imagine being locked up with Marcus Fenix from Gears of War or being trapped on a dead end street with Ken Rosenberg from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Not a pleasant thought is it? There's no doubt that these characters would fit perfectly on any neighborhood watch list.
No character on this list has a future as a successful daycare operations manager. Not one. Here's a list of ten video game characters that look so much like sex offenders, they'd almost certainly have mug shots and arrest records if not for successful video game careers.
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10. Noby Noby Boy
Video Game: Katamari Damacy
Last Seen: Looking like something that's escaped from a public access children's show.
Profiler's Note: He is the reason sex crime law were written.
This anthropomorphic space worm leaves no room for subtlety. He's essentially a perfect encapsulation of man's darkest motives. He functions on base desires and is wanted for sex crimes on a planetary scale. Also, he looks like a sock puppet version of a space dong.
9. Slippy Toad
Video Game: Star Fox
Last Seen: Befriending children.
Profiler's Note: It's not friendship he's after.
Equal parts Pedobear and lecherous school field trip buddy, Slippy Toad seems innocuous enough. That is until you realize his idea of a 'petting zoo' is completely different than yours. In his part of the galaxy inter-species love and zoophilia are still punishable offense. Sure he's not that great of a pilot and seems to be the most insecure individual in the galaxy, but that's how he gets you. Usually right before he asks if you want to see his cockpit.
8. Voldo
Video Game: SoulCalibur
Last Seen: Attending school dance recitals, even though he doesn't have kids.
Profiler's Note: Gimpin' ain't easy.
When not choking behind his gimp mask bridle, Voldo's form of interpretive dance ended a promising career as a children's entertainer. Practicing his "finger magic" ballet got him permanently added to the sex offender registry in multiple states. His defense that it's "art" and he's "foreign" didn't do much for his defense.
7. Sofia Lamb
Video Game: BioShock 2
Last Seen: Luring young boys into first wold slavery
Profiler's Note: Don't let the glasses fool you. Sofia sees a future of you working naked.
Representing the ladies, Sofia Lamb may not come across as the most atypical perpetrator, but that doesn't make her any less nefarious. Luring young boys into the confines of her home with the promise of prepubescent experiences, Lamb makes quick work of rendering her victims unconscious and selling them wholesale into the international sex slave trade. What high school aged boy could possibly resist the allure of an older woman? When they wake up in a North Korean pleasure den is the answer.
6. Solid Snake/Old Snake
Video Game: Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
Last Seen: Redefining what "bouncing on granpa's knee" means.
Profiler's Note: He will insist on watching the kids.
Literally a dirty old man, Old Snake has decades of black-ops experience to make sure you never tell anyone how Grandpa touched your bathing suit area. When not attempting the unlawful imprisonment of minors, Snake enjoys telling war stories in the men's locker room of the neighborhood fitness center. Often taking waaaaay longer than he needs to towel off, Snake never misses a chance to tell you that you should call him 'Snake'. That flavor saver moustache of his just happens to be the cherry on top of the perv sundae that Snake's life has become post-retirement.
5. Ken Rosenberg
Video Game: Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
Last Seen: Posting blurry photos of girls' soccer practice to 4Chan.
Profiler's Note: Ken's gonna make you famous via milk carton.
Charged with disseminating indecent materials to minors on more than one occasion, Ken looks like the kind of guy that definitely has a hole cut into the pocket of his poly-cotton blend slacks. An avid 'photographer', Ken would love to have you model for him. Afterwards he can show his darkroom and the 6 terabyte hard drive of 'art' that would put Pete Townsend to shame. Ken manages to pull of the 'Woody Allen that will probably expose himself to you' look effortlessly.
4. Gordon Freeman
Video Game: Half Life
Last Seen: Massaging a victim's inner thighs while explaining what a parallelogram is.
Profiler's Note: Sure, he'll help you with your homework alright.
Just because the unassuming mute hero of one of video games' most loved franchises hasn't gotten a third installment doesn't mean he hasn't been keeping himself busy. After taking a job as a high school geometry teacher, Mr. Freeman has become the teacher that really goes the extra mile. Gordon really wants to help you pass your finals. He knows how hard it is in school. He'll stay after class and help you study for finals. And by 'study for finals', he means finger bang in the backseat of his Kia Sorrento. And don't worry, yes, that pudding ring of facial hair is coming too.
3. Marcus Fenix
Video Game: Gears of War
Last Seen: Trading someone's punk ass for a pack of menthol cigarettes and a quart of toilet wine.
Profiler's Note: Not one to end up with as a cell mate. He will split you in half without a lancer.
Let's face it, Fenix pretty much personifies a prison rapist. Chances are he could have made parole years ago, but prison is like a rape buffet to Fenix. The grizzled veteran of foreign wars has done things in foxholes that don't even have names yet. Forced into prison, he's become the king of rape island and he's more than happy to show you how he ended up with that moniker. Breaking in the new fish is his favorite prison pastime right ahead of sharpening shanks out of toothbrush handles.
2. Waluigi
Video Game: Mario Tennis
Last Seen: Pretending to listen to a victim's problems, but actually undressing them with his eyes.
Profiler's Note: Purple suspenders should have been a red flag.
Predatory stalking with romantic intent sounds like less of a police charge and more of a form of calisthenics to Waluigi. Waluigi is a text book example of the guy who's fine with 'just being friends'. As long as 'being friends' includes watching you while you sleep, drilling holes in the wall of your bathroom, and being completely impervious to restraining orders. Waluigi thinks it's romantic when he goes through your trash and makes a garbage voodoo doll for himself.
Seth
Video Game: Red Dead Redemption
Last Seen: Romancing the dearly departed after funerals.
Profiler's Note: The most infamous old west necrophiliac. Not even death will save you.
Seth was hanging out in graveyards before the goth kids thought it was cool. Banned from funeral homes and morgues, Seth had a promising career as a forensic pathologist until corpses started going missing. It didn't take long to figure out that the sweaty, twitchy guy was robbing a lot more than office supplies.
