Tonight, the 2013 MLS All-Star Game will be held in Kansas City. The game will feature the MLS All-Stars taking on the A.S. Roma football club at Sporting Park. And to drum up some interest in the match, Funny or Die just put together a clip of several of the MLS All-Stars rapping. Yes, rapping. And as you would probably expect, it's bad. Real bad. Real, real, real bad.
But you know what? It's so bad that it's actually pretty awesome. So we've spent the better part of our day with this on repeat. It's given us plenty of time to familiarize ourselves with the seven guys who rapped here. And it's also given us the expertise needed to rank the seven MLS All-Stars who took part in the Funny or Die freestyle.
We ranked them below—from worst (sorry, Wondo!) to best (what up, Beckerman?!)—so that you know what to expect before you watch the clip. You're welcome!
#7. Chris Wondolowski, San Jose Earthquakes
Standout Lyric: "Scoring goals all the live long day/And that's all the Wondo's got to say"
Overall Assessment: Talk about phoning a verse in! If you're going to contribute, dude, then contribute. You left like 10 seconds of dead air here and didn't give us the effort that we were expecting. SMH.
#6. Graham Zusi, Sporting Kansas City
Standout Lyric: "After dinner, I always skip dessert/Less I score a goal and need to rip off my shirt"
Overall Assessment: Zusi had, by far, the worst delivery here. He's lucky Wondolowski phoned his verse in or he would have landed in the bottom spot.
#5. Omar Gonzalez, Los Angeles Galaxy
Standout Lyric: "In the big game, we're gonna play Roma/Go so hard, we're gonna put 'em in a coma"
Overall Assessment: He had an opportunity to do something funny/unique here. Instead, he resorted to threatening A.S. Roma with violence. Do better next time, man.
#4. Jack McInerney, Philadelphia Union
Standout Lyric: "I'm only 20 now, I'm playing with my heroes/My opponent's scoreboard will be covered in zeroes"
Overall Assessment: Give it a few more years and McInerney will land higher on this list. The young'n still has a few things to learn.
#3. Brad Davis, Houston Dynamo
Standout Lyric: "Country boy, deep down in my heart/Kickin' watermelons is how I got my start"
Overall Assessment: Average rhymes. Awesome overalls!
#2. Mike Magee, Chicago Fire
Standout Lyric: "Hey everybody, here's a Mike Magee fact/I look like Bradley Cooper, except I don't act/Unless, of course, I'm on the soccer pitch/Then, I act like a champ and you act like a bitch"
Overall Assessment: He managed to sneak the word "bitch" into his verse. Need we say more?
#1. Kyle Beckerman, Real Salt Lake
Standout Lyric: "Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, Kyle has arrived/Making sure the opponent's goals are deprived/You know me by the swoosh of my dreads/I been known to bust a few heads/Super chill, I keep it real/I smoke up the field with my soccer skills"
Overall Assessment: WHEN IS YOUR MIXTAPE COMING OUT, DUDE?! No, really. We wouldn't mind hearing it.