Image via Complex Original
The Memphis Grizzlies have taken the NBA by storm this postseason, dispatching the Western Conference's top-seeded San Antonio Spurs in the first round and giving the OK City Thunder all they can handle in the second. But real hoops heads aren't surprised by the Grizz's run: It's all about Shane Battier! He hustles! He hits clutch threes! He does all the little things that make a team click! And SWEET MOTHER OF BIG BABY JESUS, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT MAN'S HEAD?!?
Yeah, Shane's a great baller and all, but he needs to grow his hair out. Why? Because dude doesn't rock corn rows, it just looks like you could plant rows of corn in his head. Because Osama Bin Laden might still be alive if he'd hid out in the caves on Battier's dome. Because this dude is blowing up Shane's Twitter saying he wants his look back. Had enough? Well, by all means, don't check out the rest of the Ugliest Heads in NBA History...
Al Harrington, a.k.a. "A Tough Row to Hoe"
YEARS: 1998-present
No lie, we're big Al Harrington fans. Dude's been in the L since the last century (literally), but he still looks and acts like a young player (with good and bad results: Al's 6'9" but never seen a three-point shot he wouldn't take). Plus he was a leader in the cheap shoes revolution, which we can respect, even if we don't rock 'em. But we've got to give him an ugly head salute: Yes, there's probably enough spare change in the folds in his melon to buy a pair of Proteges, but your man has never once grown his hair out, and he's even drawn attention to it on occasion.
Joel Anthony, "Squished and Chomped"
YEARS: 2007-present
Remember that scene in Casino where they put the card cheat's head in a vice to get him to talk? We're thinking Joel might've had an early audition for that role that got a little too real. And then Mike Tyson nibbled on his ears. And on top of all that, his hairline's gone past recession and straight to depression — and he's not even 30 yet. Oh well Joel, at least you're in the Conference Finals!
Wes Unseld a.k.a. "Two-Head"
YEARS: 1968-81
Unseld is one of the all-time greats: Rookie of the Year, MVP (in the same season, no less), 1978 Finals MVP, and at just 6'7", one of the toughest, meanest centers in the game's history (as evidenced by the ice grill in this photo). It's said he modeled his tenacious game after his eyebrows, which were constantly fending off attempts by his proceeding hairline to take over his entire frickin' face. "The eyes! Don't let them get to the eyes!"
Shelden Williams a.k.a. "Cauli Buds"
YEARS: 2006-present
Shelden's a Duke man, so he's valuable to his team(s) for what's between his ears as much as his physical skills. What's between his ears? Celery sticks, some grape tomatoes, a little ranch dressing...his ears are like friggin' cauliflowers, get it? Also, his eyes are so far apart that his court vision is in 4D. #gointohellforthisone #wesaid"valuabletohisteam" #hehehehe
Tyrone Hill a.k.a. "The Lumpy Mound of Rebound"
YEARS: 1990-2003
Tyrone Hill's a nice guy. He was a heck of a rebounder, even made the All-Star game once. He's also got a winning smile...and a coconut that only a mother could love...and a face that might've actually looked better after Charles Oakley slapped it.
Sam Cassell, a.k.a. "Alien"
YEARS: 1993-2008
According to Wikipedia, Sam Cassell was born in Baltimore, MD in 1969. His Basketball Reference page confirms it. But we're not so sure. Looking at that shiny bald head of his, we think he grew up on Reese's Pieces in Drew Barrymore's closet. Phone home!
Steve Blake, a.k.a. "Gummo"
YEARS: 2003-present
Dude eats spaghetti in the postgame hot tub. He picks banjo with city slicker raftin' types. We're pretty sure he was a byproduct of a collision between a meth lab and a '72 Chevy Blazer. Then there was the whole headband thing. How soon should we expect the Steve Blake Breaking Bad cameo?
Greg Oden, a.k.a. "The 40-Year-Old Freshman"
YEARS: 2008-present
Greg Oden isn't really 70 years old, he's just built that way. His knees have self-destructed, his career seemingly over before it even got a chance to start. (Although hey — who knows, we hear the Suns doctors can do miracles and he'll be a free agent soon enough.) But the former No. 1 pick doesn't just have old legs — he's got a head that makes us wonder whether he was the first pick in 2007 or 1967.
Scottie Pippen, a.k.a. "A Wrinkle in Time"
YEARS: 1987-2004
1994 was an interesting year for Scottie Pippen. In his first year without Michael Jordan, he had a lot of ups, and a few downs (including the most infamous sitdown in NBA history). And then there was his curious decision to shave his head (and wear red shoes!) for the All-Star game, where he won the MVP and informed every person who would ever cut his hair that no, it would not be a good idea to let him expose his wrinkled skull to the world ever again.
Shane Battier
YEARS: 2001-present
Shane is a very, very intelligent man. How do we know this? Because he went to Duke (where the photo above was taken), and because his middle name is Courtney, and you gotta be pretty savvy to make it through life with the name Shane Courtney Battier. He's clearly also a very careful man. How do we know this? Because he's made it to the age of 32 without the benefit of a skull. Yes, folks, that is his actual brain showing through the skin on his head!
