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Why so serious? As our good friend DJ Clark Kent says so often, your precious sneakers are just leather and rubber. What's there to get all worked up about? But hey, maybe you find your emotions getting a bit out of hand sometimes, and the same sneakers that provided you with such joy when you bought them now make you angry when you so much as look at them. Take a deep breath, check out these 10 Signs You're a Bitter Sneakerhead, and adjust accordingly. Or, you know, don't.
You Can't Stand All These "New Sneakerheads"
New sneakerheads have ruined the shoe game right? Yeah, it might be tiring to see the same colorways over and over again but most of us that complain about "these meddling kids" probably learned it from all the Scooby Doo we watched. If anyone should be bitter about new sneakerheads, imagine the guys who came up wearing two colors, black or white. Then the "damn kids" showed up and started coloring their Forces and you couldn't avoid a shoe with black and red. What's known as a "Chicago" colorway today probably annoyed the piss out of early 'heads, especially considering nearly every sneaker ever made since, oh, 1985, gets released in the same color scheme. So who was the hypebeast first, the guy with the 30 pairs of Chi-colored Jordans or the kid with a handful of "South Beach" kicks in the closet? You were new once too, you know.
You Get Upset When Nobody Recognizes Your Kicks
All that anticipation, the months of waiting, the days camped out and you finally got your Yeezys. Except your first time stepping out in them not one of your friends even recognized them. Then someone had the nerve to ask you what kind of shoes they were?!? All that hype and you get no love. What a waste. We're really sorry you didn't get any likes on Instagram, bro.
You Hate Resellers
Every time you hop online or on Twitter, you see someone trying to sell the same kicks that are sittin' on the shelves of your local Foot Locker. Blah blah blah. Guess what fellas, consignment stores have been (re)selling sneakers since the early '90s. And we don't want to call anybody out but there are a number of sneaker stores across the country, yes even in LA and NYC, that are selling Nikes without a legit account with The Swoosh. While you're hollerin' that resellers suck, you've probably bought from one, whether it be eBay or from one of the unmentionables. It's time to move past it or move on to a new hobby.
"Quality Sucks" Are Your Two Favorite Words
If you're still playing the card of "quality isn't as good as it used to be," you're probably following it up with a complaint about the price increase of retros. You probably also never owned an original pair of the retros you're bitching about. Also, you probably just bought three pairs. So, yeah.
All These Hybrids Make You Sick
It's nice to think we can all live in the past all of our lives but as a sneakerhead, you need to accept that new generations expect new things. We're sure there was some Forrest Gump runner in 1987 who was still running in Cortezes who was all kinds of upset when the Air Max came out. And whilst some of the Dr. Moreau creations coming out these days can seem a little forced, you need to accept that this whole sneaker thing isn't just catering to you.
You Couldn't Get A Pair, So Now They're Whack
Three months ago when those first pics of this month's Jordan drop leaked —you know, the blurry ones that were taken with a flip phone in someone's bedroom — you were all about them. Then come drop day, you slept and couldn't get your size. Now you claim you never wanted them and "them shits is whack anyway." Be careful though, this is the type of bitterness that makes you famous with a "You mad, bro?" meme posted all over NT.
You Talk Sh*t About Other Sneakerheads
You don't like someone on the Internet, so you bitch about them all the time? Come on, son. There are roughly a hundred thousand trillion people on the Internet, just pay attention to the people you do like, even if that means staring at pictures of you and your own sneakers all day. And hey, maybe even accept that someone else's point of view can be equally valid. Imagine that.
You Try to Keep All The Sneaker Info To Yourself
You got a "connect" that gets you info but you don't share it with fellow 'heads or even your homies? Why you mad, son? We're happy for you that you think you know about something before someone else. Hopefully Dorothy never comes and pulls back the curtains on your wizardry because we'd hate for you to lose those cool points you give yourself for being, well, lame. And besides, would you be where you are and know what you know without someone helping YOU out once? You didn't build that.
If It Doesn't Say Nike Air On The Back, You Won't Wear It
It's almost 2013, homie. Not sure if you realize, but it's been 12 years since a pair of Js dropped with NIKE AIR on the back. If you truly appreciate your kicks, how could you not wear them just because of some lettering? The design's still the same, right? But hey, if you want to spend $500 on a pair of sneakers that will probably crumble within a week, do you.
You Sold All Of Your Kicks
Thank you. If all you have to add to the community of sneaker enthusiasts is bitching and moaning, it's probably best you unloaded your collection. But we know how it is, bet you kept a few hidden away that you just couldn't let go of due to sentimental value. It's all good, though. And when you're ready to re-buy everything, we can help.
