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Driving is so often about pointing fingers. There's a good chance that at some point in your life on the road, someone has waved his or her middle finger in the air and yelled, “Asshole” as you drove by. And unless you drive with the zen-like calm of Mother Theresa or Snoop Dogg, you have probably returned the favor. But what truly makes one an asshole driver? Are you an asshole driver? Rather than taking a reflective moment to look inside yourself and ask yourself these questions, just read our list of 10 Ways to Tell if You’re an Asshole Driver.
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10. You Have a Television in Your Car
We understand that we now live in the future, where you can have a T.V. on your phone, have a phone on your T.V., and see Kim Kardashian’s fine body on all of them, but there is no reason to have a television in your car. Even if you have two screaming toddlers in the back seat, get them some kind of iPad to look at or a stuffed animal to play with. Or maybe do as our parents did and tell them to shut up or you’ll hit them with a belt.
9. You Sit in the Left Lane and Won't Let Anyone Pass You
Look, we hate crazy drivers as much as anyone. People who pass you doing 120 miles an hour in their Mustang with a spoiler, exhaust system and flame decals are huge tools. But guess what? You are not the highway patrol. You slowing down so that people can’t pass you or merging just as someone is getting ready to pass on the right makes you look pathetic. It’s like that group of girls who went together to Prom as friends. Buy some Ben & Jerry’s, rent Pretty in Pink, and cry some mascara-laden tears into a box of Kleenex. And get over to the right.
8. You Are Riding My Ass
If Ricky Bobby from Talledega Nights is your spirit animal, and you just want to go fast, no problem, go ahead and pass us. That’s why the left lane is there. Just because you think that we should be going faster does not give you the right to put it in our tail pipes from behind. You don’t decide the speed limit, that white sign does, you coked-out, Five Hour Energy-chugging sonofabitch.
7. You Are Drunk
Far be it from your boys at Complex to give you a PSA, but we wouldn't have to say it if people would just stop doing it. Don’t drive drunk. And don’t give us any of that “I drive better when I’m drunk,” or “I guess I just have a high tolerance,” or “I just have to get to this bitch’s house before her boyfriend gets back from the night shift” stuff. That’s the same shit our college roommates told us before they became our “ex-roommates-turned-felons.”
6. You Have a Vanity Plate
This one is perhaps more in the category of “things assholes do while driving” than “driving like an asshole,” but we agree that anyone who has ever had a vanity plate is not only an asshole, but also drives like one. I don’t care if you’re “SEXYBITCH,” “BALLER69,” or “#1STUNNR”. You are an asshole. Same goes for anyone with the following shit on their ride: Stickers representing your family, peace frogs, stickers from the beach where you spent your vacation, stickers insulting someone else’s beliefs, “CO-EXIST,” stickers that say how much you like “boobs” and the cartoon character Calvin pissing on anything.
5. You Believe Everyone Should Hear Your Music
We know that saying this on a website that heavily promotes rap is kind of like writing to the Chinese government about the virtues of free speech, but hear us out, comrades. In the age of iTunes, you listen to whatever the hell you want whenever the hell you want, so why should you have to suffer through someone else’s jams? For every track you hear bumping from whatever Young Money alumni is hot this week, you’ll hear some teenage brat in her daddy’s Lexus blowing out her speakers with Ke$ha. So, let’s agree to play nice and end the assault on each other’s eardrums.
4. You Lay on Your Horn as a Reflex
We know you’re pissed off. We see it in your bloodshot eyes, your grip on the steering wheel, and the clenched teeth you’re trying to shove that Big Mac through. You don’t need to let us know. Chances are whatever you are honking about, we can’t control anyway. So stop, breathe, turn off that whack DMX shit, and put on some whale sounds to calm those fraying nerves.
3. You Are Driving a Hummer … Still
This isn’t the late ‘90s, and you’re not Coolio or Dr. Dre, so step out of that yellow tank and never look back. You’re not going to get more friends or girls or respect. Everyone’s just going to think you’re compensating for something, if you know what we mean.
2. You’re on Your Mother Fucking Phone
Texting, tweeting, talking, sexting, we don’t care what you’re doing. Don’t do it while you’re driving. Countless study after countless study says you are likely to get your ass killed. And your girl can wait to hear “how cute she looked today” and how much “you would love to be with her right now” and how she’s your “snuggle baby” or whatever dumb nickname your pussy-whipped ass is being forced to call her. Be a man and get off the damn phone. Bonus: When a chick asks you why you didn't pick up the phone, you can tell her you were ridin’ dirty rather than ridin’ that ass … of her best friend.
1. You Constantly Comment on How Everyone Else Is a Bad Driver
Maybe this is the pot calling the kettle an asshole, but come on. We all know those guys who spend the entire time they’re driving talking about how bad everyone else is driving. “She drives like a woman.” “He drives like [insert ethnicity here].” Knock that shit off. The only group of people who drive like assholes are assholes, and you’re probably one of them. And just because we drive too fast or too slow for your highness don’t mean your shit don’t stink. So, check yourself fool, or you’ll end up like this girl.
