The speed of Empire’s storytelling is set to Speedy Gonzalez so it takes a minute—and a second viewing—to really chop, screw, and process each episode.
Last night’s edition started off at a video shoot where once again, we were subjected to someone's Garage Band-assisted sins. Based on the presentation, one assumes they were going for something Rihanna-esque. In actuality, the production value led to the song sounding very 2005, Olivia trying hard not to get dropped from G-Unit.
While this was going on, Cookie rolled up to the set to ask Lucious what in the hell is going on with Bunky’s funeral? Lucious asks Cookie that she chill out and just let him plan things.
Meanwhile, Lucious’ wife Anika (yeah, I forgot that shit, too) had her investigated. Nosy ass 'Nika’s PI showed Lucious photos of Cookie with that federal investigator. Lucious confronted her while she was standing before cousin Bunky in the casket. Lucious has a right to know whether or not his ex-wife is trying to send him to jail in retaliation, but I do not excuse his use of “irregardless” while doing so.
That said, he might be a murderer, sociopath, jackass, and “irregardless” user, but Lucious plans a nice ass funeral.
Lucious managed to book Gladys Knight! Like, Gladys Knight sounded so damn good singing Bunky’s dead self to glory. How good did she sound? So good I bet Aretha Franklin threw a chicken leg at her flat screen and sent Barbra Streisand a shady text.
Lucious also delivered a nice eulogy. If I were murdered, I’d rather not have my killer eulogize me (just recite my favorite Nicki Minaj, Beyoncé, and UGK lyrics), but in the event it does, I hope my killer delivers on Lucious’ level. But because this Lucious, we can’t have nice things. Before the funeral started, he spotted a little boy outside crying and proceeded to project his hyper-masculinity onto the kid, explaining, “Men don’t cry.” Never mind that Lucious cried at the funeral.
In related investigation news, there’s a detective looking into Bunky’s murder. The lone eyewitness is a drunk, homeless man who speaks of lions, tigers, and bears. Good luck with that during cross-examination, po-po.
As the detective investigates the murder, Andre investigates them. His source pool involves the deputy mayor, who he smashes in exchanges for favors. Fret not, though. Andre’s wife is totally cool with it so long as you have sex with her the exact same way and refer to her as the other woman. That scene was about as sexy as the sight of your first cold sore.
As for Cookie, she and her federal agent friend figure out a way to throw Lucious off their scent; she poses as her PO. And because they’re so cool now, the federal agent helps Cookie locate her old songwriting friend, Puma. Although Cookie is a believer in Jamal’s talent, she stresses to her son that he needs a hit. So she met Puma—played by Cuba Gooding Jr. because why not?—at some dude ranch.
Cuba is still drunk in love with Cookie (but not that Lil’ Wayne and Christina Milian version), but he’s not about to go back to his Ne-Yo days. Instead, he sends Cookie a 20-year-old song that he wrote for her. Through a flashback, we see Lucious couldn’t quite nail the song, which makes Jamal doing so another source of contention between the two.
This manifests itself at a family dinner Lucious and Nosy Nika throw. The best part of this dinner was Cookie’s prayer, which concluded with a shot thrown at Lucious’ new wife: “And God, please do not withhold yo’ blessings—even from hoes that hire skanks to spy on me. In Jesus name, I pray, amen. Hallelujah!”
Cookie is my new prayer warrior.
After they ate, Cookie had Jamal perform for the family. After his performance of that dusty R&B song, Lucious ever so condescendingly tells Jamal that he would make a great arranger. Lucious makes it worse when he lets Frank Swimming Pool know that he owns the song, which means that it will not be on iTunes under his name anytime soon.
Lucious and Jamal go at it with Lucious telling him, "This night is to celebrate a man and his woman, not some sensitive punk and his bitch." Jamal and Michael should’ve jumped him then. I’m sure Cookie would’ve likely gotten a few licks in.
After the dinner wrapped, Cookie caught Lucious struggling to open his medicine bottle, which prompted the ominous declaration, “Something’s got you shook, Lucious. Like it’s chasing you and you don’t want it to catch you.”
Lucious followed this confrontation with round two with Jamal at his son’s apartment. Lucious says what every homophobic dad tells his son: ALL THESE WOMEN OUT HERE AND YOU OUT HERE DOING A DUDE!
The end result is Jamal moving out of the apartment, telling his pops, “My obedience is no longer for sale.” Jamal’s boyfriend looked at him like, “Bae. NYC rent is high.”
Speaking of significant others, Hakeem is dating Naomi Campbell, which means the supermodel is playing Woody Allen (allegedly). I’m not emotionally ready to tackle that yet, but I wouldn’t be surprised if on next week’s episode, Olivia Benson jumps networks to arrest Nay Nay.
Until next time.
Michael Arceneaux hails from Houston, lives in Harlem, and praises Beyoncé’s name wherever he goes. Follow him @youngsinick.
