Sarah Silverman is known to ruffle a few feathers, but hey, what successful comedian hasn't? No topic is too controversial for the comedienne—whether it's religion, race, or politics. The difference between you and Silverman is that she gets paid to say whatever the hell she wants. You, on the other hand, aren't cashing in on having knock-off Comedy Central roasts in your friend's basement. Face it, your roasts are mediocre at best.
So before you get into a dissing match with your friends and you unload all the "Yo momma" jokes you know, let Sarah Silverman do the dirty work for you. Here's how to offend your friends using HBO's Sarah Silverman: We Are Miracles.
To your bladder-impaired friends:
“When you’re a bed wetter there’s only one group of people you can feel better than, bed shitters, and unfortunately they’re hard to come by.”
To religious friends:
“And people who follow their religion to the letter of the law are just silly. I wanna tell Hasidic jews, ‘I promise you God will not mind if you wear a nice cotton blend in the summer.' You’re being fucking ridiculous."
To bougie friends:
“If you use regular soap and water-use whatever you wash your asshole with, how ‘bout that? Surely that’s strong enough for your disgusting vagina."
To the friends who won’t shut up about themselves:
“We think that self-deprecation is modesty, it’s not. It’s self-obsession. There’s no room for anything else. You think Mother Theresa walked around complaining the tops of her thighs touched? I mean they didn't, she was stick thin. Fucking bitch.”
To the friends who constantly complain about other people:
"If you quit being cunty the whole world will stop being against you. If you have terrible luck with roommates, you’re the terrible roommate. It’s you, doll. If you feel the whole world is judging you all the time. You’re an alcoholic.”
To cougar acquaintances at work:
“To women of a certain age, your heartbreaking and drastic attempts to look younger are the reason your daughter doesn’t dream about her future.”
To your virgin friends:
“Pussy. Pussy. Who cares? I found a way to make ‘pussy’ gross again. It’s so simple. All you have to do is puff out your cheeks when you say it. Now say that becomes old hat, you can add some elements: a deadness in the eyes, a lisp.”
To your conservative friends:
"I was just literally praying for the billions of teeny tiny Republicans that die every single year in hooker’s assholes. I know what...you are thinking and you’re right, you’re right—’Really? That’s what you’re gonna pick on on the Republican party. That’s what you’re choosing to pick on? Surely there are Democrats that have butt sex with prostitutes and you’re 100% right there are, but Democrats aren’t trying to take my rights away. So when a Democrat gives a hooker anal warts she can then go to a clinic and get that shit zapped.”
To your 'bad bitch' friends:
“If you’re selfish and you’re thoughtless and you’re broken and you’re heartless, you’re probably not a diva. You’re a cunt.”
To friends who rush out of a family dinner to watch a game:
“We’re so divided. We live in a divided country. It’s crazy. It’s not even about ideas anymore. It’s not even about ideals anymore. It’s just teams. It’s just the Red Sox and the Yankees. It’s just hatred.”