The Most Ridiculous "Message" Episodes in TV History

The message episode—it's a hallmark of any children-having sitcom. Ninety-nine percent of the time, kids are used by sitcoms because they tell the sauciest jokes and get into the most innocent of predicaments. They get to beam at the camera and act adorable, like tap-dancing chipmunks. The other one percent of the time, kids appear on sitcoms so that young viewers can have lessons inflicted upon their malleable souls. These lessons take the form of "very special episodes," with scary situations brought on by "very special" one-off characters. For instance, there's the cult leader, the kid with the pack of cigarettes, the guy selling guns, and, a big favorite, the traveling pedophile.

All of these colorful characters show up so that the young characters can be tested by the fires of hell real life. (That wasn't implying that sitcoms subscribe to some kind of conservative Christian ideology—nope, not even a little bit.) These tests are supposed to be serious, but are usually anything but. Celebrate with us now, as we look at the most ridiculous message episodes in TV history.

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Episode: "Johnny Get Your Gun" (Season 3, Episode 7)
Show: 7th Heaven
Very serious subject matter: Gun violence

The harmless, bland Christian drama of the Camden family somehow propelled 7th Heaven through eleven seasons. Simon Camden (David Gallagher), the Mr. Steal Yo Girl of Glen Oak, California, gets threatrened with gun violence by his girlfriend's jilted ex-boyfriend, Johnny (Nathan West), and family patriarch Reverend Eric Camden (Stephen Collins) gets caught in the crossfire. Johnny, looking like the rejected white member of Kriss Kross, shoots Mr. Camden in the shoulder. This prompts the incredible line from Simon, speaking about Johnny: "He didn't know you shouldn't really shoot him?"

You know it's a message episode because early in the epi, in a weirdly foreboding moment, Rev. Camden lectures his young daughter, Ruthie (Mackenzie Rosman) that if she watches enough movies with guns in them, and shoots enough foes in video games, shooting someone (in reality) will become "no big deal." Clearly this man has never played Grand Theft Auto.

Episode: "Just Can't Get Enough" (Season 9, Episode 2)
Show: Degrassi: The Next Generation
Very serious subject matter: Meth

Pretty boy Peter has some trouble fitting in at his model girlfriend's upscale fashion party. That is, until he gets a hold of some party favors. Sketchy chick Victoria, gives Peter some coke so he can loosen up, schmooze, and keep up with the rich and famous. However, what Peter thought was coke actually turned out to be meth. Heisenberg!

Peter cops more meth and crashes the school dance once he finds out Studz, his band, is playing without him. Hell hath no fury like a front man scorned. After scaring everyone shitless, he bolts into the night, dances in the middle of a highway strip, and gets stranded there. Like Cast Away except without Wilson.

Episode: "Bulimia" (Season 8, Episode 12)
Show: Diff'rent Strokes
Very serious subject matter: Bulimia

Bulimia is not funny. Correction: Bulimia is not funny unless it's on Diff'rent Strokes. Phil (Conrad Bain) and Arnold (Gary Coleman) are worried about Kimberly (Dana Plato) when they connect the dots between a ransacked kitchen and the sounds of Kimberly vomiting in the bathroom. (It's okay to laugh-even the retching sounds are unconvincing). Your unintentional giggling will begin somewhere around the scene where she takes a couple licks of icing from a massive, suspiciously unguarded cake. Your belly laugh (in which you simultaneously hope karma isn't tied to laughing at fictional eating disorder) will come at about the time that, after promising her father she won't do it again, she yells, "I've barfed my last chow!" Oh, and who gave her this debilitating expectation of beauty and perfection? Europe. Wut?

Episode: "All or Nothing" (Season 4, Episode 22)
Show: Glee
Very serious subject matter: Catfishing

The glee regional finals are the most important thing in high school—no, the world—right now. There can be no distractions! Not with the Hoosierdaddies on the slate! Turns out one big distraction on this lampoon of the TV message episode is catfishing, and Ryder (Blake Jenner) won't stand for it.

Ryder wants to know who's been extracting feelings from him, and he wants to know now. He frightens his groupmates kicking over a table, demanding for the catfish to reveal herself. Pretty brunette Marley (Melissa Benoist) declares it's her in order to save the true catfish, Unique (Alex Newell), the embarassment. When Unique comes forward, it's an actually affecting moment. But when Ryder goes Mr. Rager during practice, that's hysterical, not scary.

Episode: "Steroids to Heaven," (Season 3, Episode 15)
Show: Dinosaurs
Very serious subject matter: Steroids

Robbie (Leif Tilden) is convinced girls love the super dino-jocks. One day, he witnesses a dino-freak rip open a locker door with ease and crack open a lunchbox full of muscle-enhancers called "thornoroids" (good one, guys), pop one into his mouth, and instantaneously watch his muscles grow significantly larger.

Later that night, Robbie breaks in and gets his hands on these prized 'roids. His muscles inflate. He's hooked. Soon his mood swings are uncontrollable and he begins to rage. Ultimately, he gets rejected by his crush who reassures him that she liked the more caring, normal dinosaur he was before. Roiding out for love? Now that's pathetic.

Episode: "Strangers on the Net" (Season 2, Episode 19)
Show: Smart Guy
Very serious subject matter: Internet predators

While having a blast playing bootleg computer games from the Internet username MarkyMark412, TJ (Tahj Mowry) and his buddy Karen get a message from the seller claiming he's got a new batch of hot property that he wants the young duo to try out, namely Grave Robber 2 and Clowns of War.

As kid gamers are wont to do, TJ and his friend nearly fall over each other speeding to Creepy McJeeperston's house to try out new games. Instead of the fellow 11-year-old running an electronic gaming fraud ring they expected to meet, they run into a grown man wearing Hollywood's patent molester-wear, a V-neck wool sweater.

As expected, MarkyMark412 asks the young kids to take off their sweaters and pants in order to better authenticate the surfing virtual reality game he's built. Hilarious for his audacity alone, TJ snaps back with a zinger about D.C. being cold. Oh, Smart Guy. You hear that kids? Always have a witty comeback in your back pocket when you talk to strangers.

Episode: "The Subject Was Noses" (Season 4, Episode 18)
Show: The Brady Bunch
Very serious subject matter: Body issues

It was simpler times on TV in 1973. Kids didn't need to learn about birth control or gun violence. They needed a lesson in—self-confidence! In the most cataclysmic episode The Brady Bunch, Marcia (Maureen McCormick) is hit in the face with a football. This is a big, big problem, as she's just landed a date with Doug Simpson (Nicholas Hammond), a.k.a. the hottest boy in school and star football player. She was also asked out by Charley (Stuart Goetz), but he's got a plain face and so must bring the wackest sex—obviously Marcia says no to his broke-ass. But now that Marcia's face is on swoll because of the errant pass, Doug doesn't want to mess with her anymore. Marcia realizes a valuable lesson in vanity, and Charley gets chose. There's hope for busted people everywhere.

Episode: "Just Say No Way" (Season 3, Episode 21)
Show: Full House
Very serious subject matter: Underage drinking

D.J. Tanner (Candace Cameron Bure) is excited to see her school dance going without a hitch after weeks of planning. She convinced Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) to provide the music and her huge crush at the time, Kevin Quinn (Scott Curtis), agreed to escort her to what's surely to be the best time of her 13-year-old life. Unfortunately, she had no idea things were about to go down.

While Jesse is happy to help his niece's pubescent dreams comes true, he explodes when he catches D.J. holding a beer can, fearing she is on her way to a custom Hello Kitty flask. It turns out poor D.J. was merely the victim of low-stakes sitcom happenstance when Kevin and his cohorts admit it was only them that were drinking at the dance and clears D.J.'s name once and for all. In the end, Jesse is forgiven for jumping the gun, but still appreciated for saving D.J. from even remotely touching the insanely wilder real life childhood of Drew Barrymore.

Episode: "No Hope with Dope" (Season 3, Episode 21)
Show: Saved by the Bell
Very serious subject matter: Drugs

Bayside don't want any of that stuff, man. When a Hollywood star picks Bayside as the site of a new anti-drug commercial, Zack and crew are set to take center stage and help say nope to dope. However, chaos and cringe-inducing roach jokes ensue (Screech owns a pet roach, you see—yeah, ah, forget it) when Zack (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) and Slater (Mario Lopez) find a used joint in the middle of the bathroom floor. It turns out it belonged to the actor that was to star in the ad.

Near the end of the episode, in a semi-circle that any AA leader would be proud of, the gang shares sad stories about stars that have died from from drug overdoses, from promising basketball star Len Bias to John Belushi.

Episode: "One Beer" (Season 2, Episode 4)
Show: Tiny Toon Adventures
Very serious subject matter: Underage drinking

If there was ever a sign that writers are chained to their desk and forced to write PSA episodes, "One Beer" would be it. In this banned episode, Buster Bunny, cousin of the iconic Bugs, finds a beer and pressures the Plucky Duck and Hampton J. Pig to drink it with him while assuring them it's OK because they're "showing the evils of alcohol."

One sip and the trio is trashed out of their minds. After loitering around public parks, they steal a cop car and their shenanigans lead them on a ridiculous police chase up a mountain until Plucky makes a sharp right, drives right off the cliff ,and crashes on top of a cemetery instantly killing everyone. There is no way to misinterpret the ethereal souls of the Looney Tunes floating up to heaven. It seems like an incredibly dark ending to a cartoon episode, but then the kids pop up unharmed and explain that "drinking is uncool," in case you missed the memo.

Episode: "Accidents Will Happen: Part 2" (Season 3, Episode 15)
Show: Degrassi: The Next Generation
Very serious subject matter: Unprotected sex

How does a teenage girl come to the conclusion that she's not ready to have a kid? If you're Manny (Cassie Steele), you see that you suck at babysitting your friend's child with the guy who has recently knocked you up. (Degrassi was nothing if not excessive.) Manny decides, based on that horrible experience, to go through with an abortion. See, it's that simple. Becoming pregnant coupled with a bad babysitting gig is the real prevention plan. Get with it, old folks.

Episode: "Virgin Territory" (Season 2, Episode 10)
Show: Step By Step
Very serious subject matter: Sex

Ever the opportunist, J.T. (Brandon Call) asks out a sure thing, i.e. a girl who'd give it up without much wining and dining. It turns out she's not as easy as he assumed. She agrees to the date, but only if she can double with her equally loose sister. No problemo! Resident, RV-dwelling cool guy cousin Cody's (Sasha Mitchell) got his back. But when the time comes to get busy, Cody backs out, saying he wants to lose his virginity to "the dudette of his dreams." More than the abstinence issue, this episode was really meant to prove that Cody's got some thoughts in his usually far-out brain. And those thoughts are cockblocking.

Episode: "Conflict" (Season 14, Episodes 2)
Show: Mister Rogers' Neighborhood
Very serious subject matter: The Arms Race

Believe it or not, the Neighborhood of Make-Believe went through times so dark that PBS eventually removed a whole set of episodes that originally aired in 1983 from their regular rotation. As Corny, the anthropomorphic beaver carpenter, begins sending bridge parts to the neighboring town Southwood, the supercilious King Friday XIII takes notice and immediately assumes Southwood is making bombs to attack the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. Tensions rise as King Friday anticipates full on warfare and fear mongers the rest of Make-Believe to make actual bombs, air-raid shelters.

Eventually, Make-Believe sends a peace delegation to Southwood, where they discover the residents are not building bombs but rather bridges. Now with hundreds of thousands of bomb parts at their disposal, the denizens of Make-Believe reassemble the parts into record players and calculate that they could create a enough record players "for every school in the world" so everybody can hold hands and play "Kumbaya."

Episode: "Fast Friends" (Season 7, Episode 5)
Show: Full House
Very serious subject matter: Smoking

This is a Steph-tastic episode of Full House, the happiest show San Francisco has ever seen that didn't involve sexual kinks. When the hand dryer at school is broken (not a euphemism) Steph (Jodie Sweetin), instead of wiping her hands on her dress and carrying on like normal people, decides to drag an ungodly amount of toilet paper out along the bathroom floor to the sink. Mickey, a too-cool-for-school seventh grader, sees Stephanie riding the struggle bus and shows her how to work the hand dryer. Because there is but one bathroom in this crazy school, a group of rebellious girls strut in and Mickey introduces them to Stephanie as her friends. They talk about men (forget boys), fake IDs (yes), and then pull out cigarettes. Feeling uncomfortable, Stephanie runs away.

Torn up inside about her decision, Stephanie calls a helpline (small world alert—it's her uncle's radio station) while posing as Olga, a Russian girl. After receiving her preachy PSA, Steph decides she doesn't want to smoke. Things come full circle when she finds herself once again in the bathroom, head to head with those rebellious girls.

Of course, she's no match for their sharp wit, and her corny comebacks come up short. Mickey still wants to hang out, though, which is awfully nice.

Episode: "Anne" (Season 3, Episode 1)
Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Very serious subject matter: Marx

Hats off to Joss Whedon for explaining Karl Marx's concept of the working day; college freshman everywhere salute you. No longer a slayer, Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) flees Sunnydale and is working at a diner in L.A. using her middle name, Anne. It's a day-in-day-out life until a young woman, Lily (Julia Lee), recognizes Buffy as the vampire slayer who saved her from a cult of vampire worshippers (obviously—that's a pretty memorable encounter). Lily invites her out, but Buffy Anne just wants to live a normal life.

Of course, Buffy is a magnet for trouble—supernatural trouble especially—and it isn't long before Lily's boyfriend disappears. Lily and Buffy do some investigating and find out the virtuous "Family Home" around the corner is actually a demonic front that enslaves humans in an alternative reality where time passes more quickly and workers become hollow zombies, an eloquent analogy for Marx's idea that capitalism exploits workers, chews them up, and then spits them out. Refusing to work in a soul-sucking system for an eternity, Buffy fights back and ultimately saves everyone. If more Marx concepts could be condensed into hour-long ass-kicking episode, the world would be a better place.

Episode: "Bullets Over Bel-Air" (Season 5, Episode 15)
Show: Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Very serious subject matter: Gun violence

Everyone remembers when Big Willie (Will Smith) got shot in Bel-Air withdrawing money from an ATM, with the connoisseur of neck-wrapped lacrosse sweaters, Carlton (Alfonso Ribeiro), at his side. In the infamous hospital scene, in the middle of a genuinely touching hug between the robbery survivors, Will feels something in Carlton's jacket pocket. Mr. Carlton Banks swings his pastel yellow Polo jacket aside to reveal a gun and promises to strike down upon ye, thieves of Bel-Air, with great vengeance and furious anger those who....

Will talks some sense into Carlton's vigilante skull. You know, the Carlton who tucks his shirt inside his jeans. Carlton of the Carlton Dance. My favorite song is Tom Jones's "It's Not Unusual"—that Carlton. In the words of Jay Z, "Pardon, we had to laugh at that."

Episode: "The Pride of Lakewood" (Season 13, Episode 9)
Show: Arthur
Very serious subject matter: McCarthyism

Only on PBS would you be an outcast for not having enough school spirit. The story starts with Buster selling his possessions and explaining a Lakewood Pride Committee button to this kid James. Using some fancy story-within-a-story technique (cue fade in), Buster explains that Muffy, the spoiled rich monkey (yes, Muffy IS a monkey) created a club called the Lakewood Pride Committee and appointed Buster president, though it was obvious who was really running the show. LPC was pretty popular with the kids, and with a little song and dance everybody wanted to join. Everybody, it seemed, except for Sue Ellen and The Brain.

LPC was not on board with individuality so they tried to bribe Sue Ellen and The Brain to conform to their spirited ways. When that failed, the LPC marked the un-spirited students' lockers with mean signs. They even targeted one of their own because he didn't cheer loudly enough at a pep rally. What is this, the Red Scare? In the end, Buster does the right thing, and during the most anticlimactic pep talk ever tells everybody it's OK if you don't like school. After finishing his story it's obvious that Buster is the worst salesrabbit ever and James will get the "I Like Pike" button and become a crazy frat brat in college.

Episode: "Shoot to Thrill" (Season 9, Episode 5)
Show: Degrassi: The Next Generation
Very serious subject matter: Sexting

All freshman Alli wants from her senior boyfriend Johnny is a little more love and attention, so she starts texting him sexy pics to get a reaction. Johnny is more than receptive and even lets Alli take a few shots of him playing around with a stuffed dog. In an egregious lapse of judgement, Allie uses the pictures in a class presentation and they are posted on a bulletin board for all to see. Mortified, Johnny retaliates and sends Alli's nudes to a friend, who answers his phone at an inopportune moment and a teacher gets an eyeful as well. Hurt and angry, Alli breaks up with Johnny, who feels vindicated and ultimately keeps Alli's nudes.

Lesson learned: Pictures of your man canoodling with stuffed animals go in the "Blackmail" folder, not in school projects.

Episode: "The Gun" (Season 6, Episode 15)
Show: Family Matters
Very serious subject matter: Gun violence

Of course, the episode where Urkel (Jaleel White) channels his best Chuck D. (We're kidding Chuck—please don't sick Radio Raheem on us again.)

In this particularly serious episode, Toni (Tracey Cherelle Jones) and her gang lift eternal sweetheart Laura Winslow (Kellie Shanygne Williams) of her jacket and bruise her up for good measure. Because this is message television, Laura decides she's had enough and decides to buy herself a gun—for protection. But before Laura can get her hands on cold steel, Toni, pissed that she now has a jacket without matching shoes, shoots Laura's friend, Josie (Trina McGee-Davis) when she decides to not give up the kicks.

So Urkel starts a "Save a Life, Turn in Your Gun" program, where he jumps on a table and freestyle raps into a megaphone about guns are bad. Oh, and Freddie Prinze Jr. shows up to say, "You want my gun but I get no concert tickets? FOH." We feel you Freddie, an uzis got to be worth at least front row at a Prince show.

Episode: "Keeping Up With Our Joneses" (Season 1, Episode 10)
Show: King of the Hill
Very serious subject matter: Smoking

Cigarettes are so addictive, even the wholesome Hank Hill isn't safe. Catching Bobby getting his nicotine on in a gas station bathroom, Hank decides to levy the quintessential TV punishment: forcing Bobby to finish the entire carton. That is, until Hank and Peggy themselves get helplessly hooked themselves; Peggy takes up smoking in the closet at one point. But the real gem is Boomhauer's tongue-in-cheek (as is this entire message-episode parody) PSA announcement in the credits, where he says that smoking can give you ear hair. The surgeon general has clearly not divulged all the warnings. We demand some answers.

Episode: "Hood Sweet 'Hood Part I-II" (Season 4, Episode 22; Season 5, Episode 1)
Show: The Parent 'Hood
Very serious subject matter: Gun violence

The Parent 'Hood consistently provided roughly twelve minutes of laughter and another ten of "it's all about family" sermonizing. With that track record, it wasn't much of a surprise when the Peterson family tackled the gun episode.

When beloved thug with a heart of gold, T.K. (Tyrone Burton), gets assaulted in front of the forever impressionable Nicholas (Curtis Williams), he successfully gets a gun. However, trying to save T.K. from another terrible decision, Robert Peterson (Robert Townsend) gets shot in the process. While in a coma, Robert gets visited by an angel named Max (that's the best name they could come up with?) and upon receiving T.K.'s tear-soaked apology, Robert gets better. Tears tend to do a lot of good for the Peterson family.

Episode: "Mercy Street" (Season 4, Episode 4)
Show: Degrassi: The Next Generation
Very serious subject matter: Body Positivity

J.T. (Ryan Cooley) gets desperate when he catches glimpse of Craig's (Jake Epstiein) member in the high school locker room. His fear of not measuring up to his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend sends him fleeing to something that he hopes will help. Unfortunately for him, but amusing for us, this search leads him to two words that will never not be preceded by uncontrollable laughter: penis pump.

Predictably, when Manny (Cassie Steele) catches him at a party huffing and puffing away in his attempt to increase his manhood, his humiliation is complete and she effectively breaks up with him the next day. J.T. felt deflated, so to speak.

Episode: "Cult Fiction" (Season 4, Episode 21)
Show: Boy Meets World
Very serious subject matter: Cults

Shawn Hunter (Rider Strong) turns to a cult when his soul-crushing loneliness becomes too much to handle. Feeling more at home with other lost souls, he believes he's found a legitimate refuge and place of comfort. Because if there's anyone that has the answers, it's a dude rocking a green suit and mock white turtleneck.

When beloved English teacher, Mr. Turner (Anthony Tyler Quinn), gets into a grave mortorcycle accident, Shawn realizes what really matters and strengthens his faith in God. Right. A clean-cut lesson has to to be taught in less than twenty-three minutes and Boy Meets World just made the cut. Watching Alan Matthews (William Russ), Cory's dad, in all his righteous, God-fearing flannel poke a hole through the cult leader's chest is more than rewarding and frankly, very amusing.

Episode: "The Bicycle Man" (Season 5, Episode 16)
Show: Diff'rent Strokes
Very serious subject matter: Child abuse

No one deals with issues in the sitcom format quite like Diff'rent Strokes. Diff'rent Strokes doesn't do 'message' episodes better, or smarter, and definitely not with more deft insight, but its take is always singular and in an outrageous league of its own. Case in point: "The Bicycle Man," the show's legendary child molestation episode.

Here are some lines from the balding, sweater-wearing—what is it with molesters and comfortable sweaters?—bicycle repair creep, Mr. Horton (Gordon Jump) after cornering Arnold and his friend Dudley (Shavar Ross):

The show managed to chop up the issue into a million uncomfortably funny pieces.

Episode: "Jessie's Song" (Season 2, Episode 9)
Show: Saved by the Bell
Very serious subject matter: Caffeine pills

All right, Saved by the Bell lovers, triva time. What was Jessie addicted to?

Time's up. Caffeine pills. Yeah, we know. Sorry to waste your time.

Between midterms and flexing her pipes in her singing group, Jessie (Elizabeth Berkley), is overwhelmed. She needs a boost that only caffeine pills can give. And gotdamn, she needs it. Like, really needs it. Like Requiem for a Dream and that scary room full of men with flashlights needs it. Lucky for her, Zack (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) comes to the rescue and grabs her hand just in time before she falls off the three-foot cliff of being so, so awake all of the time.

What do we, the audience, get out of it? May be the funniest twenty seconds ever recorded in television history. You may take away my caffeine, but you can't take away my soul. Aretha Franklin said something like that, right?