Image via Complex Original
Ever since there have been rational explanations for things there have been conspiracy theories. Popes, presidents, and peasants have all been the subjects of hair-brained conjecture at one point or another. These days, crackpot explanations are concocted to explain everything from retail barcodes to the world economy (And what if the two were connected, dude? We just blew your mind!). The Internet instantly breathes life into even the most ridiculous ideas that flow from bloggers' fingertips.
We are barely half way through 2013 and we have already seen ridiculous conspiracy theories spring up in the world of sports, celebrity, technology, and of course, politics. We scoured the Internet to find some of the most implausible, hair-brained, and ridiculous theories that trolls have dredged up for mass consumption this calendar year. The results will give you yet another reason to doubt if we should refer to humanity as "intelligent life." The truth is out there, just not here. These are The Craziest Internet Theories This Year.
The Miami Heat winning streak was rigged.
NBA fans gravitate towards conspiracy theories a little easier than most sports lovers for several reasons: the Tim Donaghy scandal is fresh on their minds, history has shown us that if your team doesn't have a top five star, you aren't winning a championship (2004 Pistons excepted), and they just want a reason to hate Lebron, damn it! The result is that any time the Heat achieve anything, the anti-James contingent cries foul and their thoughts drift to conspiracy. One blogger wrote of the Heat winning streak, " ... the Heat are good and that's not what this post is about. They're not 27 wins in a row good." This is a pretty common sentiment from jealous small market fans, and blogger after blogger has attempted to use statistics to prove that something is fishy in Miami, usually relying on stats involving free throws and foul shots. Despite all of the money ballin' these bloggers have done, so far it has amounted to nothing more than sour grapes.
Daniel Day-Lewis shouted out the Illuminati in his Oscar acceptance speech.
Major televised events are known to draw out Illuminati conspiracy theorists and fashion bloggers alike, and due to the sheer amount of celebrities in attendance to obsess over, award shows are at the top of many a crackpot's conspiracy watch list. If you are wondering what sort of things the Illuminati are all about, check out this primer from some kid sitting in front of his computer wearing a false beard. What sort of signs are the Illuminati sending out? How are they communicating with their fellow harbingers of the New World Order?
Apparently, one way is mentioning the word "pyramid" in any context. Daniel Day-Lewis got attention from Illuminati enthusiasts when he said in his Lincoln acceptance speech, "I'd like to thank Kathy Kennedy, our producer, and through you Kathy, and through you a mighty team of co-conspirators, at the apex of that human pyramid ..." Now, what exactly saying the word "pyramid" does, we're not sure, but Day-Lewis definitely said it, which is enough for us to believe that he is a part of a secret organization that controls the world through excellent character acting.
The 49ers engineered the Super Bowl blackout.
Okay, so you may be asking yourself what a sports team gains from a stadium blackout, but what about this: there have been two blackouts at recent 49ers games! The first occurred in 2011 against the Pittsburgh Steelers. Of course, the Super Bowl was played on a neutral field and the 49ers lost, but still! Thankfully, the actual cause of the Super Bowl blackout was rooted out within a few days of the game, putting an end to talk of sabotage. In a delightfully ironic twist, it turns out that the blackout was caused by a device called a "relay," which is meant to ... wait for it ... prevent blackouts.
Justin Bieber is a scion of the Illuminati.
Oh, you like that cute owl tattoo? Sorry, bro, that's an Illuminati symbol. Many celebrities (and pretty much every remotely famous rapper) have been accused of being involved in the Illuminati, but the "evidence" gathered against Bieber is some our favorite NWO theorizing. Uproxx tells us that this sweet owl is actually "Owl of Moloch, which can also be seen on the dollar bill and was a god worshipped by the Phoenicians and Canaanites that had associations with a particular kind of child sacrifice by parents." You're not buying it? Well, wait until you hear the rest of our evidence including the fact that "Bieber" is a German name, and dogs don't like the Bieb.
Or maybe it's just board, introverted teen conspiracy bloggers don't like Justin Bieber.
Megan Draper is Sharon Tate.
Most of us don't put any stock in real world conspiracy theories involving politicians and celebrities. Many of us who are rational when it comes to real world events are more than happy to indulge our conspiratorial side when it comes to TV. In recent years Homeland, The Sopranos and a variety of other beloved shows have provided spring boards for half-baked theories. This year it was Mad Men's turn to provide gristle for the TV conspiracy mill. Though Bob Benson was the target of more theories over the course of the season, our favorite theory had to be the connection between Megan Draper (Jessica Paré) and Sharon Tate. The connection between the two was first made because Megan showed up wearing the same t-shirt Tate famously wore in a 1967 Esquire photo shoot. Tate, an actress (like Megan!), is unfortunately best remembered for her brutal murder at the hands of Charles Manson. When costume designer Janie Bryant confirmed that it was "no coincidence" that Megan showed up in the shirt, the conspiracy went viral, forcing Matt Wiener to issue a spoiler (which he never does): Megan isn't going to die ... at least not yet.
Apple fixed their stock decline.
After news of Apple's tax shelter shell game, it's hard to put any nefarious deed past the Cupertino based company, but this accusation is pretty flimsy, even as far as conspiracies go. After shares of Apple closed at $500 on the nose back in January, some analysts cried foul. They wondered how could such a widely traded stock close at such a round number? And isn't it convenient that this number comes at the end of an unprecedented nose-dive in Apple's stock value? Businessweek quickly dismissed the notion of foul play as being created by those who don't know much about the stock market. It turns out that large companies have a higher chance of closing at a round number due to two factors that they explain much better than we can, "options pinning" and "strike price." Businessweek went on to point out that conspiracy theorists come out of the woodwork when stock prices drop (Apple had fallen 200 points from the previous quarter), as few people feel the need to fabricate explanations for why they are making money.
Obama is pushing a Leftist agenda with Google Doodles.
And you thought that these Google Doodles were innocent, fun diversions? How wrong you were! Obama is influencing America's tech-savvy youth by forcing Google to pen left-wing Google Doodles, thus advancing his nefarious socialist doctrine!
Don't believe us, well, then let Fox News break it down for you. After the Daily Caller ran a story linking Obama to Google's choice to run a Doodle in honor of Cesar Chávez, Fox correspondent Bill Hemmer advanced the half-baked theory. Hemmer touted the Google-Obama link, saying, "Eric Schmidt, who runs Google, was an informal adviser for President Obama. In 2011, the president said, 'Make this day, 3/31, make it Cesar Chávez Day.'" Hemmer went on to predict that many Americans would be flocking to Bing after Google chose to honor Chávez instead of Christ on Easter Sunday. Thus far, his prediction has not panned out.
Edward Snowden is a triple agent.
Are you guys tired of seeing this same picture of Edward Snowden over and over? Yes? That's exactly what the man wants you to say! The NSA whistle blower has captured the public imagination, as people involved in espionage-y things often do, and some great conspiracy theories have resulted. Alex Seitz-Wald gave a great rundown of the Snowden schemes that have already surfaced over at Salon. Our favorite theory offers some real James Bond shit.
Webster Tarpley, a radio host, known to toss out some 9/11 truther theories now and again, believes that Snowden is a triple agent. The radio host advanced his theory as only a crackpot could when he said, "Then at bottom, where is his bread really buttered? CIA. At the bottom, he's a CIA agent all along." This, and pretty much every other Snowden theory is extremely flimsy. One theorist used the fact that Snowden's girlfriend "happens to poledance" as part of her evidence that Snowden is a government mole.
Animal Crossing is set in purgatory.
Don't be fooled by cuddly creatures, Animal Crossing is actually the story of an endless fluffy purgatory. Whatculture's Edan Nissenbroke down this theory that has gained traction in the gaming community in recent months. Animal Crossingtruthers point to the fact that "you are trapped in this small city and can't leave," and that you're a "... slave, constantly running little errands to pay ... land tax for a property that was supposedly 'given' to you" as the tentpoles of this theory. Next time you play Animal Crossing we bet you'll have a different opinion of the raccoon dog Tom Nook. Not only is he a greedy shop owner, but perhaps he is the eternal gatekeeper, watching over the denizens of purgatory as they slave away for all time.
Kanye and Kim timed the birth of their child to promote Yeezus.
That's right folks, even something as utterly normal as having a child is enough to get the engines of conspiracy churning. A number of rumors and theories arose around Kanye and Kim's baby, but our favorite is definitely that the delivery was planned to coincide with the release of Yeezus. Not only is this a rather mundane conspiracy theory, but we aren't sure what Kanye would stand to gain from it being true. When has someone won the rap game by using their newborn child to boost album sales? No matter how much we might like to believe that Kanye is blazing new trails in terms of marketing, we just don't see why this matters and who it could possibly benefit.
Family Guy predicted the Boston bombing.
You've likely already heard about a number of Boston bombing conspiracies involving false flags and backpacks, but have you heard the one about Family Guy? There are human beings out there who believe that a March episode of the FOX cartoon predicted the bombings. It just so happened that an episode of Family Guy featured a scene at the Boston Marathon and a later scene with bombs detonating, but any sensible human being would elect to view this as no more than an unfortunate coincidence. Infowars.com has elected to take the opposite stance, presenting the Family Guy episode as a sign that the Marathon was an "inside job." You can see a video that implies a lot and proves nothing from Infowars (who are very good at this sort of thing) here.
Wendy Davis looks different than she did 30 years ago.
We've always enjoyed our conspiracy theories with a side of sexism. After Wendy Davis's triumphant filibuster down in Texas, blogs popped up overnight ready to discredit the newly anointed feminist hero. The complaints boiled down to the familiar "what do we know about her really" arguments that are all too familiar to us by now. Of course, since it was conservative bloggers doing the muckraking, there was a nice side of chauvinism tossed in for good measure. One blogger, who elected to remain anonymous (probably a sage move), said, "... during the past two decades [Davis] has been transformed from a frumpy, pleasant looking but plain-faced, flat-chested brunette with thick, messy hair, into a buxom blonde with excellent facial features and sleek, long, perfectly coiffed hair, like she stepped straight out of Vogue." The blog goes on from there to imply that Davis is a witch or has access to some sort of anti-aging agent.
On second thought, maybe this should be filed under "fan fiction" instead of "conspiracy theory."
Journalist Michael Hastings was assassinated.
Journalists across the country were saddened when Michael Hastings died following a car crash earlier this year. Many of the biggest names in the political coverage game felt that Hastings was a rising star that had already contributed much to the field and would go on to do great work. Unfortunately, the admiration he received from his peers makes him a prime target for conspiracy theorists. As Gawker put it, the crash was the perfect target for the "'close analysis of low-quality YouTube frames' field of online conspiracy-mongering." In his too-brief career, Hastings often targeted the military and the police state in his reporting. You can guess where the conspiracy nuts go from here. The theories sound remarkably similar to those that surface whenever a respected political or social critic dies too young: our Orwellian government did him in. Though these conspiracy theories may be idle fodder for those who traffic in them, they can't be anything but hurtful to those close to promising minds whose careers are cut short.
The police are covering up Trayvon Martin's criminal record.
The conservative media is grasping at straws in the Trayvon Martin case. One of their latest arguments is that the Miami-Dade School Police Department covered up part of Martin's criminal record to strengthen the case against his alleged killer, George Zimmerman. The story is that Trayvon was supposed to have been arrested for stealing jewelry, but he was not taken into custody and the record of the arrest vanished. What actually happened is that Martin was found with jewelry which did not match stolen jewelry when he was picked up for light vandalism. Oh, and it also turns out that the police report still exists and a copy was obtained by The Miami Herald in March.
There's also the problem that somehow being accused of jewelry theft would make it more okay for someone to murder you, but we'll leave it to another post.
Obama is going to employ death squads against 2nd Amendment supporters.
Obama gun conspiracies have been a favorite of militia members and gun-toting Tea Partiers across the country ever since he took the oath of office. Now that the Commander-in-Chief has earned a second term, the right wing nuts have ratcheted up their propaganda. Last winter, rumors emerged that Obama planned on executing freedom-loving gun owners just for owning a few AK-47s, like any good, red-blooded American. Laugh all you want, but patriotic websites like liberty.com and tennesseesonsofliberty.com wouldn't mislead us. That's right, the death squads are coming, and they're supposed to start ... February 22nd, 2013 !!! Oh, that date already passed? Sorry, umm, wait, must have gotten my weeks mixed up ... hold on ...
The Chelyabinsk meteor was part of a conceptual video game.
After the meteor passed over Russia earlier this year, we learned that everyone in Russia has cameras in their car. Many conspiracy theorists out there insist that we learned some other things as well. Numerous conspiracy theories bubbled up from the recesses of the Internet after a number of people refused to accept that meteor simply exploded before making impact. You got some of your run-of-the-mill explanations involving missiles and aliens, but we also got a new one. One theory claims that a video game developer "cracked the ultimate code," and was able to make a virtual reality component of a video game manifest itself in reality. Before you get too invested in this theory, you should know that one of their arguments is that the meteor situation was similar to the recently released video game, X-Com: Enemy Unknown. Compelling evidence indeed.
TWA Flight 800 was brought down by a missile.
You're a total 90s kid if you remember TWA Flight 800 LOL. Along with the Oklahoma City Bombing and the theory that all of the babies on Rugrats were dead the whole time, Flight 800 was the 90s conspiracy theory. It turns out conspiracy theories never die, they just have new documentaries made about them. Epix, an upstart cable channel we certainly won't be watching ever, will be airing a documentary called Flight 800 later this month. The new documentary claims to have new evidence which really isn't new, as most of the "evidence" presented was already dismissed over a decade ago. Reopening the issue has so far only served to remind tired investigators and victims' families of a tragedy for which that they might just be starting to get some closure.
In this case, the truth is out there ... already.
Jay-Z is a member of the Illuminati and this old picture is proof.
Damn, everybody's in the Illuminati. When am I going to get called up to the occult majors? As we said before, if you become a successful rapper, you will be accused of being in the Illuminati. It's a status symbol, like getting that AmEx black card. Jay-Z, being just about the most successful person in the world, gets associated with the Illuminati as regularly as you get associated with your dumb friends from high school. When this picture was discovered in the New York Public Library archives, the Internet decided that the old case that Hova was part of the New World Order had to be reopened. We're not exactly sure how Jay-z turning out to be Jay-Everlasting strengthens his connection to any secret societies, but we'd love to hear more about why you think so (hit me up on Twitter @muddycreekU).
Yes, this is a stupid theory, but it is better than the others we heard regarding the picture, including a thesis that the picture proves that Jay-Z went back in time to research the Great Gatsby (yes, this theory was proposed on Reddit).
The Sandy Hook tragedy was performed by actors.
It's difficult for us to wrap our heads around tragedy. In the aftermath of terrible events, we alternately seethe with rage and find ourselves feeling impotent and numb. One way that people manifest the difficult feelings in the aftermath of disaster is to cook up conspiracy theories. Now that we are all plugged into the Internet, dozens of crazy explanations hit the web within hours of tragic events. One common explanation that is absolutely awful is to suggest that tragedies are staged with actors. These theories are pretty easy to throw together. You simply comb actor databases and pair similar looking actors with victims and responders you see on the news. Here is one example of such lazy crackpot garbage.
Barack Obama creates tornadoes.
We've heard some ridiculous accusations about President Obama since he took office, from claims that he is a radical Muslim operative to assertions that he was a Black Panther. Our favorite so far has to be this one: he can create weather. Conspiracy theorists reached a new level of ridiculous when they blamed the deadly tornadoes in Moore, Oklahoma on the Obama administration. Their argument was that the President needed a distraction from Benghazi (you know, the thing that no one cares about anymore outside of the Fox News Headquarters) and there was no better way to get that distraction than to employ the government's magical weather machine in Alaska. Sure, there have been twenty-two tornadoes in this small Oklahoma town since 1890, but this one happened while Obama is President, so it's different.
