Image via Complex Original
Online dating has blown up in recent years. Finally, people can find people with common interests, no matter how specific they might be. And that isn't always a good thing. Sure, it is great for you to meet someone who is as into Russian literature, the Wu-Tang Clan and snuggling as you are, but maybe some tastes aren't meant to be satisfied. If you delve a little deeper into the online dating landscape, past your OKCupids and your Match.coms, you'll find a world where people are seeking and finding inmates, sugar daddies, and vampire hunters with the click of a mouse.
We have scoured the Internet for the lamest, vainest and strangest online dating sites the web has to offer, and trust us, you are going to want to run as fast as your avatar's digital feet can carry you in the other direction. You might find love online, we just don't think you'll find it here. These are 25 Online Dating Sites You Want No Part Of.
25. Purrsonals
Designed for: Cat Lovers
Website: purrsonals.com
The days of the cat lady being a symbol of eternal spinsterhood are over. It's time to find that purrfect mate at purrsonals.com. Our market research tells us that many or our readers are also avid fans of Cat Fancy and Feline Wellness Magazines, so we wanted to turn all of your rap/cat lovers onto a website that can help you find that purrfect purrrize purrson with whom you can settle down and combine feline forces.
24. Golfmates
Designed for: golfers and people who want to date golfers for some reason.
Website: golfmates.com
If you are looking for someone to share your incredibly boring and expensive hobby with, you are in luck. What Mark Twain once described as "a good walk spoiled" can now also be "a good date spoiled." Despite the fact that we would rather do just about anything than golf on a date (mini-golf is cool though, we have much love for putt-putt), we have to give props to the site for beginning their pitch with, "Golf terminology is rife with double meanings ..." Kinky.
23. Cupidtino
Designed for: Apple Fanboys/Fangirls
Website: cupidtino.com
There was a time when connecting with someone over Apple products made some sense. Small companies often gain momentum through a corporate culture that attracts like-minded fans. It is difficult to see how being an "Apple Fan" means anything now that the company is a tech behemoth. Finding it novel that you and the apple of your eye own Macs and iPhones is about as sensible as being impressed that both you and your date shop at Wal-Mart or purchase clothes made in Asian sweatshops. There is so much to admire about Apple's current business culture, from the company's installation of suicide nets in Chinese factories to their recently uncovered shell game of tax evasion, so you and your Mac-ophile date should have lots to discuss. Enjoy your date Mac lovers!
[Full Disclosure: This list was written on a Mac. Fuller Disclosure: the author used to work at the Apple Store and found it to be the most soul-crushing experience of his life. Fullest Disclosure: It was actually the second most soul-crushing experience of his life, but his therapist advised him not to share the most soul-crushing experience.]
22. SinglesWithFoodAllergies
Designed for: Singles with food allergies
Website: singleswithfoodallergies.com
They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Apparently, it is also true that the way a man's heart is through what he can't put in his stomach. If you've always had a thing for picky eaters, then SWFA (their acronym, not ours) might be for you. All joking aside, we are all for people meeting people like themselves, but if you are worried you can't have a relationship with anyone except those with similar food allergies, then you aren't exactly a hopeless romantic. It might be good for you to be little less picky about potential mates than you are about diet. Unlike peanuts, dating someone a little bit different from you won't kill you.
21. Beautifulpeople
Designed for: Beautiful people
Website: beautifulpeople.com
You're so vain, you think this dating site is about you, don't you? If you want to be a part of beautifulpeople, you'll need to be voted in by the existing community of beautiful people (with a reported acceptance rate of only 20 percent). So, if you've got a face pretty much everyone can love, and you've made peace with discounting 80 percent of the population based completely on looks, then this is the website for you. Hopefully, you can find someone as superficial and vapid as yourself to share fun activities with like mirror-staring and fad dieting. For those of you who do get in, remember that looks fade, but misplaced priorities that lead someone to sign up for a site like this lasts forever.
20. MyLovelyParent
Designed for: People trying to find love ... for their parents
Website: mylovelyparent.com
Before you criticize us for including this site on the grounds that its premise is "so sweet," consider this: what we have here is a website for getting your parents laid. Don't get us wrong, children want nothing more for their divorced or widowed parent than for them to find happiness, but for most of our friends, that means encouraging them to set up their own profile, not setting one up for them. The most that we want to be involved in our parents' love life is meeting their new beau once they get engaged. Isn't it going to be awkward when your new stepdad can respond, "Yeah, but you started this!" after your slam the door and shriek at him, "You're not my my real father!"
19. StachePassions
Designed for: Those who have moustaches and those who love moustaches
Website: Stachepassions.com
Okay, the moustache love has officially gotten out of hand. We stood by silently stroking our shoddy, patchy facial hair as Movember took over the scene. We didn't throw a fit when handlebar moustaches inexplicably made their Williamsburg-based comeback. But a dating site entirely dedicated to that patch of hair below the nose and above your upper lip? This is just out of hand. If you have a luxurious, well-maintained cookie duster, by all means jump online and bag yourself a "Stache Groupie." Just don't say we didn't warn you: if a woman only loves you for your moustache, is that really love?
18. Geek2Geek
Designed for: "Geeks and their admirers"
Website: gk2gk.com
If you want to let your geek flag fly, who are we to stand in your way? We're the Tech Channel: geekiness is in our blood. However, we invite you to consider something before you go off hunting for the Bill Nye or Bill Nye-ette of your dreams. Maybe mutual admiration of of the Periodic Table of Elements and Dungeons and Dragons isn't the ideal deal way for you to seek out a mate. We all want a sure thing when we venturing into the scary world of online dating, but sometimes you just have to roll the 12-sided dice and take a chance. You can confine yourself to a world of World of Warcraft playing, anime watching, action figure collecting mates, but the real world isn't like high school, and you may just find that the girl of your dreams is more into wine and cheese gatherings than Magic: The Gathering.
17. Postivesingles
Designed for: Those who have STDs
Website: positivesingles.com
We are not here to rag on people with STDs: we've all spun the sexual roulette wheel a few times more than we'd care to admit, and sometimes the house wins. We're just acknowledging that some of you this website might be a godsend, but for others it is a cautionary tale.
16. Ivydate
Designed for: People who went to Harvard not named Method Man or Redman.
Website: Ivydate.com
That sociology degree from Princeton's not doing all of the work it's supposed to, huh? Do you spend your evenings looking out the small windows of your urban studio apartment, dreaming of a simpler time when you whiled away the days practicing with your a capella group on the quad? Are you bummed out because there is almost no time to name drop your alma mater while waiting tables and working at your writing on the side? Regain that lost sense of superiority with IvyDate. Ladies, just make sure you're considerate of the man sitting across from you and offer to pay your end of the bill. You're both a quarter million dollars in debt, after all.
15. FarmersOnly
Designed for: Helping farmers meet each other
Website: farmersonly.com
The landing page over at FarmersOnly spells it out for you: "We exist because, the way we see it, there are basically two groups in America. Group one revolves around four dollar cups of coffee, taxi cabs, blue suits ... " Well, very few of us over at the Complex offices wear blue suits (though we did see a guy in a baby blue velour track suit the other day), but otherwise, guilty as charged. You may be thinking that it is high time you switched up your dating game and went out with a buxom dairy maid. Really, how many ladies can you date who are sporting the same horn-rimmed glasses and flat brim hats in their profile pic selfies? Everybody can use a little variety. Not so fast. At FarmersOnly, you are going to have to answer questions about what animals your breed, what crops you raise, and what kind of farmer you are.
And no, those half-assed attempts at growing weed in your basement don't count.
14. TrekPassions
Designed for: Trekkies hoping to live long and prosper with that special someone
Website: trekpassions.com
Don't worry: this site isn't just for Star Trek lovers. If you are a sci-fi fan of any sort, whether you can't get enough Battlestar Galactica or you think Ender's Game is the beat-all-end-all, this is the dating site for you. Just in case you were wondering, it took us less than ten seconds to find a user whose profile pic was a selfie of her in Leia's metal bikini from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi.
13. Saladmatch
Designed for: Salad Lovers
Website: Saladmatch.com
You've probably asked women many different questions in an attempt to figure out if you have common interests, but have you asked her how she likes her salad. Just Salad, one of several restaurants that have popped up in recent years to cater to your salad needs, has an online dating component to their website. Just enter your favorite salad toppings (mine were bbq chicken, bacon, blue cheese, and avocado), choose a username (check out saladfan69 ladies), and you are ready to find that special someone to share a salad with on a steamy summer Saturday night. (And again, ladies, if you are a fan of salad and alliteration, that username is saladfan69).
12. SeaCaptainDate
Designed for: Ahabs in pursuit of that romantic white whale
Website: seaccaptaindate.com
If you read Moby Dick, Master & Commander, or The Old Man & the Sea as erotica, this might be the dating site for you. That's right, you can "find you first mate" right there at seacaptaindate.com. Even if you aren't interested in finding your own salty dog or mermaid, we encourage you to watch the video on their home page, in which a "real-life sea captian" (a.k.a. clearly an actor) reminds you that "[his] mistress may be the sea, but that's just an expression. There really isn't sex involved."
11. 18WheelSingles
Designed for: Truckers and the men and women who love them
Website: 18wheelsingles.com
We have nothing but respect for the hardworking men and women who transport goods from point A to point B across the highways and byways of the U.S. of A. That being said, you have to be pretty into the trucking lifestyle to find appeal in the romances provided by 18WheelSingles. Folks who post ads on 18WheelSingles are generally looking for a long term companion for the road. If you take up with one of these truckers, your life might change pretty drastically. Those who post ads also tend to be men aged 45-70 with a penchant for conservative politics and the late George Jones, which we're pretty sure isn't exactly what appeals to Complex's target demographic. If you want to read some of the most heartbreaking, romantic appeals from lonely souls this side of Waylon Jennings Greatest Hits, head over to 18WheelSingles and take a look at some of the personal ads.
You might want to bring a fifth of Wild Turkey with you to help you get through it.
10. NaturistPassion
Designed for: Nudists
Website: naturistpassion.com
Being naked all the time sounds pretty awesome at first. Then, you start thinking about your day to day logistics. You'll have to continue to go to work, the gym, and the pharmacy while pursuing your new found passion the disrobed lifestyle. Also, we've always felt like nudism would take a lot of the fun out of getting a girl's clothes off: one of the great pleasures of life is working to get a girl naked. All of that being said, if you want to run free with the ladies over at NaturistPassion, be our guest, just make sure you aren't more self-conscious than you'd like to admit before you agree to a nude first date.
9. The Atlasphere
Designed for: Singles of really, really like the works of Ayn Rand
Website: Atlasphere.com/dating
Remember back in late high school, early college when that one conservative kid in your honors English class wouldn't stop talking about Ayn Rand? Would you like that same experience on every date you go on ever again? You're in luck. For all of you lonely hearts out there who want to meet someone who is deeply intelligent, yet somehow in all of their learning has developed little to no concern for their fellow man, this is the site for you. You and your objectivist date can enjoy a nice dinner, kick some poor people, and feel no tangible connection to the world around you while chatting about your favorite The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged moments.
Find out who the John Galt of your dreams really is today at atlasphere.com!
8. Sugardaddyforme
Designed for: Dating attractive women who expect you to spend a lot of money on them
Website: sugardaddyforme.com
Have the words of Kanye West taught you nothing? Even if you have deep enough pockets to meet the demands of the ladies on Sugardaddyforme, make sure you want to be involved in a relationship that depends on your bankroll. If you do have that kind of money and you believe that spending it on the ladies of Sugardaddyforme is a sound investment, I have several other investment opportunities I would like to discuss with you, just DM me @muddycreekU on Twitter.
7. AshleyMadison
Designed for: Helping dudes cheat on their wives
Website: ashleymadison.com
If you want to prove to yourself once and for all that you are a real scumbag, then AshelyMadison is the website for you. Normally when cheating men get caught having affairs they retreat to excuses about how "one thing led to another" and "it just happened," as though they have been under a spell or curse for the duration of the affair. Good luck explaining to your lady what the Hell you were thinking when you signed up for a website built for the express purpose of helping you find an affair. We doubt there is any amount of relationship counseling to save you if you get caught with an AshelyMadison membership.
8. Meet-an-Inmate
Designed for: People who want their heart taken prisoner by an actual prisoner
Website: meet-an-inmate.com
On the plus side, you won't have to worry about taking her home to Mom. Other than the fact that you can avoid those sticky "meet the parents" moments, we don't see much upside here. Yes, everyone deserves a second chance, and a chance at love, but if you couldn't get through that long distance college relationship, how do you expect to get by on conjugal visits alone? The dating process must feel a bit repetitive for the customers of meet-an-inmate.com: when we go on dates we generally talk about our jobs, our hobbies, and the events of our day, and well, we imagine having these conversations with prisoners doesn't exactly provide much variety.
5. FindYourFaceMate
Designed for: People who want to date people whose faces look similar to their face
Website: findyourfacemate.com
We totally buy that you should choose a mate based on who has the most similar facial structure to you: that's just logic. Our problem with this site is that there are no safeguards against trickery. What if, for example, you're an undercover agent who steals a crime lord's face to infiltrate his illicit organization, only to have that crime lord steal your face in retaliation?
We would need a personal guarantee that this website is insured against the plots of all Nicholas Cage and/or John Travolta films before we could be convinced to sign up.
4. Pounced
Designed for: Furries
Website: pounced.org
It is difficult to talk about furries because at this point every joke that can be made about furry culture has already been made. And really, furries have taken enough mockery in the media.
We'll just go ahead and let this picture of a Furby furry speak for itself.
3. MyFreeImplants
Designed for: Guys who want to pay for the breast implants of strangers
Website: myfreeimplants.com
There are so many poor investments that you can make in today's marketplace. Why not make an investment you can feel, a firm financial decision? Why not fund a stranger's breast implants in hopes that she'll develop romantic feelings for you? Sure, odds are that your communications with the soon-to-be busty lady will be limited to video chatting and private messages she'll decline to respond to, but can you put a price on helping a woman fulfill her vain, vain dreams?
Now you can at myfreeimplants.com.
2. VampirePassions
Designed for: People who think they're vampires or something
Website: vampirepassions.com
Yes, some people on this website actually believe they are vampires. Others lists themselves as "vampire hunters." They ask you what type of blood you drink (even going so far as to provide the option of "bovine blood for moral reasons" for the socially conscious Nosferatu). We spent a good 15-20 minutes digging around the site looking for signs it was a joke. It appears that it isn't.
1. DiaperMates
Designed for: "Adult Babies and Diaper Lovers"
Website: diapermates.com
They had us at, "Once again a reminder: no scat pictures." Finally, there is a dating site for those of you who view Baby Huey as a style icon. If you fancy a lady who dresses more like the Dancing Ooga Chaka Baby than they do Ally McBeal, this is your diaper loving destination. So, all of you (hopefully very few) who wear adult diapers for style and not for comfort, head on over to diapermates.com for a fresh change.
Once again, a friendly reminder: no scat pictures.
