A Field Guide to NYC Douchebags

New York is a wild, untamed city. You’ll observe beautiful women, hustling entrepreneurs, and sagacious artists at work in their indigenous environments. You will also encounter many, many genuses of douchebag.

Navigating NYC’s wildlife means frequently encountering this puzzling subsector of man, and every so often, shooing them away from the ankles of your female pack as they attempt to pick them off like hyenas after a gazelle. They are successful at times, sadly.

The diligent crack team at City Guide have conducted a scientific study of the various types of douchery present in Gotham City and identified the most common species of douche that plague our fair burg. Allow us to wax scientific as we break down the most troubling examples of humanity NYC has to offer.

As you observe them in their natural habitat, you'll need this: A Field Guide to New York City Douchebags. How many douches have you spotted today?

Written by Brenden Gallagher (@muddycreekU)

Illustrations by Justyn Iannucci (@JustynIannucci)

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When your boy moved here from Iowa, he realized that all he had to do to attract female attention was take off those Wranglers and get himself some cuffed skinny jeans. It all went downhill from there. This guy has a deeply developed sense of style, and by that, we mean he has combined the advice of a half-dozen bloggers, making him into a Frankenstein-like monster made of small pieces of his Tumblr dashboard. Mom keeps asking why the credit card bill she is helping him pay off is so high. He wipes a tear with his Hermès handkerchief when he hears this. Not because he feels bad cleaning out the family war chest for a new man purse, but because Mother doesn't appreciate fashion. The indignation.

1. Slickly coiffed hair in the style of Michael Pitt on Boardwalk Empire
2. Jacket draped over shoulder rather than worn, as if posing for invisible street style photographer
3. Oversized, patterned portfolio bought in the first hour it dropped
4. Woven bracelets
5. Wildly patterned shirt
6. New Balance sneakers worn with dress clothes because he's unexpected like that

Related Douches: The NY Media Douche, The Retail Douche

Don't worry if you couldn't tell that he is "from here," he is going to let you know. Little is more interesting to this douche than casually mentioning that he is "born and raised." When he meets another of his kind, they will instantly get into an in-depth conversation about the undeveloped neighborhood they grew up in and how much cooler it was before everyone thought it was cool. Though he doesn't loathe you as much as he does tourists, be careful not to mention anything involving local politics or gentrification. Unless you can Marty McFly your way back in time and convince your parents to raise you on the Lower East Side, you are not entitled to an opinion.

1. Eyes narrowed in disdain for tourists
2. Shirt from closed bar that was actually cool, unlike current bars in existence
3. Sandwich from favorite bodega where they know his name
4. Cigarette accompanied by complaint about smoking ban
5. Moleskine for journaling the loss of "his city"
6. New York mag, obvi

Related Douche: The "Born in Ohio But I Should Have Been Born in Brooklyn" Douche, The Museum Douche

Even if you are on the other side of the street, you are in this guy's way. He weaves around food carts and elderly pedestrians with the same condescending self-satisfaction that bloggers get from pointing out Seth MacFarlane's misogyny. Based on the smug look he reveals when he speaks about his marathon training, you'd think he's doing charity work. He's not. Some guys have booze, some have women, he has jogging. He even wears his outlandish outfit when he is grocery shopping. Sorry, he's just too busy to go back to his crib after his 10-miler and change out of his package-displaying tights before he heads to Duane Reade to pick up some IcyHot. Once you escape the long discussion of his intervals, he leaves you with "Let me know if you ever want to go for a run some time." Spoiler alert: you don't.

1. Overpriced in-ear headphones
2. Under Armour that is somehow loose on his lithe frame
3. Wrap-around sunglasses so he can better ignore fellow pedestrians
4. iPod with Nike+ integration
5. Compression pants which he refuses to wear shorts over

Related Douche: The "I Only Hang Out Below 14th Street" Douche

This douche thinks that making assumptions about each person he meets makes him worldly. He has taken tiny aspects of every part of black sub-culture and combined them into his "unique" style, which allows him to mercilessly criticize and condescend to those around him. At a moment's notice, he is ready to share his enlightened view of the world, despite the fact that he hasn't left Harlem since he departed his frat brothers at that HBCU. Don't even try to relate to him—if you tell him you also enjoy Erykah Badu, he'll be mean-mugging you all night.

1. Spikey afro
2. Fingers in the air in a perpetual snap, because that's still relevant
3. Africa necklace and wooden beaded bracelets that he says his great uncle (twice removed) who was a Black Panther gave to him
4. Dressed like De La Soul circa Buhloone Mindstate

Related Douche: The Faux-Harlem Renaissance Douche

No, he can't cook, but he can form a negative opinion on the hard work of actual chefs with casual disdain. Some folks go deep into debt for their children or a home loan; this guy is still paying off brunches from two years ago. Eating out with this mimosa-swiller is a painful experience, as he will take you to over a dozen different hole-in-the-wall bistros before settling on a spot that has an open reservation. We would rather go back to our collegiate rations of Easy Mac and ramen than hear this guy's take on another over-whipped tiramisu.

1. Great Googa Mooga festival T-shirt
2. Currently writing negative Yelp Review
3. Fair trade coffee from the cutest little coffee shop you never heard of
4. Artisanal cheeses from a shop that sells only cheese
5. Reusable shopping bag branded with smug quote

Related Douche: The "I Don't Ever Leave Brooklyn" Douche

Do you remember the '90s? This guy sure does. Just because he was king shit back in the day, he would like to freeze the rest of the world in amber at the peak of DMX's popularity. Though this guy is just about to hit 40, his Tommy Hilfiger boxers are exposed and you can hear The Lox playing through his headphones whenever he's less than 10 feet away.

1. Backwards and upside-down visor, often with the original stickers still attached
2. 4XL leather jacket in the style of Avirex or Pelle Pelle
3. Baggy pants so low his boxers are exposed, which he believes women appreciate
4. Carrying Raekwon's Purple Tape (cassette only, obviously)
5. Oversized Timberlands, untied

Related Douche: The Graffiti Douche, The Celebrity Weed Carrier Douche

Freshly divorced and aching to recapture his lost youth, this man dusted off the Bowflex to work those biceps, mussed up his hair with some L.A. Looks gel, and is ready to hit the town. He may try to offer you some friendly advice gleaned from his past mistakes as he nurses that craft beer, but he's only doing so in hopes that nearby ladies will be charmed by his "mature" perspective. Don't worry, he won't be at the bar too long. He has to take the kids to school tomorrow, as his ex is leaving on a business trip. Oh, she's not exactly your ex, and that's a wedding ring in your pocket? Not cool, dude.

1. Young person's haircut that he's only fooling himself with
2. Graphic tee of retro thing from '70s/'80s he liked as a child
3. So many damn bracelets, and each one has a story
4. Sunglasses at night
5. Goatee and/or other facial hair that hasn't been cool since the '90s

Related Douche: The Old Skateboarding Snob Douche

Yes, that is a Yankees Cap. This guy is equally loyal to all of his favorite sports teams: the New York Yankees, Dallas Cowboys, and Miami Heat. He has loved them ever since he was a little douche, growing up in Ohio, New Jersey, or whatever flyover state he is from, begging the coach not to cut him from the JV soccer squad. He now works in marketing, or communications, or social media, or some other thing that even he is bored to tears describing. All he's interested in is talking about is how much he can bench press, his fantasy football team, and how he knows that the waitress in the referee uniform was definitely checking him out. [Editor's note: she wasn't.]

1. Baseball cap of mainstream, big market team
2. Arm sore from fist pumping
3. Sandals with jeans, showing off unkempt feet
4. Popped polo, sometimes several layers of them
5. $9 Bud Light, which he chose because it is "refreshing"

Related Douches: The Douche-Designating Douche, The Too Young to be Such a Douche Douche

One-half Patrick Bateman, one-half Gordon Gecko, this dude believes the world revolves around him, and, in some sense, he is right. His natural habitat is either a swanky upscale establishment, or some massage parlor where he gets the attention he deserves. Either way, he is going to sexually harass the waitress while leering at your girlfriend and plugging women's phone numbers into his outdated Blackberry. He can buy you, but sadly, can't buy conversation skills.

1. Thinking deeply about how he'll sleep at night, and suddenly realizes it's with two women on a bed of money
2. Expensive laptop, used only for Excel
3. Over-priced drinks purchased for numerous women at the bar
4. A loosened tie to denote he's a businessman, but he got off work hours ago
5. A black Amex he flashes at every opportunity

Related Douches: The Start-up Douche, The Eurotrash Douche

A new breed of hipster has arisen deep in the bowels of Bushwick warehouse apartments and candle-lit urban rustic bars. Though he dresses like Paul Bunyan, the callouses on his fingers have developed as a result of live-blogging, not wood-chopping. He is a man that dresses exactly like the members of Mumford and Sons, but would never be caught dead listening to their music. Hear him spew illogical opinions on all manner of artistic and cultural issues he knows absolutely nothing about as he makes you his signature $15 cocktail. At least, until he moves back to his hometown to become an English teacher next year.

1. Articles of clothing modeled after 1920s laborer
2. Literary/philosophical tattoo of trite quote, in cursive
3. Ukulele or mandolin for playing the worst folk music you've heard since Animal House
4. Shitty moustache grown for a cause and/or contest
5. Cocktail shaker for making artisanal beverages
6. Suspenders that aren't actually suspending anything.

Related Douches: The Foodie Douche, The Bushwick "No Way Am I A Douche" Douche

Women living in New York are no longer fooled by the flashy spending and feigned chivalry of this douche. Luckily for him, between Eurotrash tourists, Jersey weekenders, and college girls visiting their older siblings, he will never run out of women to impress. It isn't that he makes all that much money, but damn it, he is going to put it all on the line on the weekly until a lovely young guidette convinces him to get a house in the suburbs, and a life.

1. Dress shirt unbuttoned one button too far
2. Bottle of vodka (from bottle service, of course) to compliment his Red Bull
3. Ridiculously expensive Italian leather dress shoes
4. A Rolex watch for status, not for telling time
5. Seven jeans with flagrant pocket detailing that cost more than his entire suit

Related Douches: The Tourist Douche, The "I've Lived in NYC Two Months and Hate Tourists" Douche