Image via Complex Original
Craigslist is a place on the Internet where people lie. Well, that's not all it is, but it's mostly populated by conniving men and women trying to convince each other that their couch is worth $50, or that they're really good in bed. It's human nature, really. Craigslist is an empowering thing--when you have the venue to ask or offer literally anything in the world, you're bound to find some weird stuff. So here's 100 strangley ridiculous ads on Craigslist you can find right now.
RELATED: First We Feast - The Most Scandalous Cases of False Food Advertising
Written by Luke Winkie (@luke_winkie)
Rare Opportunities For Based Candidates
Post Date: 11/28/2012
Thank you Based God.
Kermit Seeks Ms. Piggy
Post Date: 4/19/2008
Have you ever been fucked by anyone wearing a rubber Ms. Piggy mask? No? Good.
Looking for Someone to Sit on My Lap
Post Date: 9/22/2009
You know, we actually sort of believed them until the "in good shape part."
Confidential Computer Repairman
Post Date: 2/3/2010
I don't know a lot about computers, but I'm pretty sure that's not how things work. But pedophiles can't be choosers.
Was That Your Limb?
Post Date: 6/25/2009
You know, a decade ago this man would've never had a chance to get his arm back. The magic of the Internet!
Sit in a Hot Tub Full of Marinara Sauce with Me
Post Date: 4/7/2009
Well, when you think about it, when are you ever going to get another chance to sit in a hot tub full of marinara sauce with a complete stranger? Especially with Wu-Tang! Treasure the precious moments in life.
Human Cat for Adpotion
Post Date: 4/7/2009
Be honest, you've always kinda wanted to be a human cat.
I Will Trade You Records if You Hang Out with Me and You are Female
Post Date: 7/7/2007
Music nerds need love too.
Level 8 Ogre Mage Seeks Moon Queen or Druid
Post Date: 8/12/2007
If we had to take a guess: the "I have the body of a wandering Norweigen brawler" line probably sealed the deal.
Come Try Out My Ass Kicking Machine
Post Date: 8/28/2007
We don't know what to say, it's just so glorious.
For Sale: Ladies Wedding Set
Post Date: 8/29/2007
Adulterous activities and divorce are hard things to process. But I believe once you sell the ring on Craigslist it means you're finally, finally over him. Mazel!
Looking for Link from Legend of Zelda
Post Date: 11/29/2007
She looks much more like Zelda than I imagined. Maybe it's time to find that green tunic.
I Kind of Ruined Your Life, Then Lost Your Number
Post Date: 8/24/2009
You talked her into getting an abortion then lost her number? C'mon, bro.
Leduc Walmart Hottie
Post Date: 9/3/2009
TRUE LOVE KNOWS NO BOUNDS.
Shrunken Pet Head Amulet
Post Date: 11/19/2009
I don't think a horribly voodoo-shrunken version of your pet dangling off your neck counts as "having them by your heart forever."
Found: Horse Poop
Post Date: 11/19/2009
When God invented the Internet, he was hoping that someday we would have the power and ability to leave passive aggressive notes about horse manure.
Seeking Eunuch
Post Date: 11/29/2009
I can only begin to imagine what a "hot lunch" is.
Blowjobs for Obama
Post Date: 11/3/2008
4 MORE YEARS! 4 MORE YEARS!
To the Guy Who Lives Below Me...
Post Date: 12/6/2009
Who doesn't love a good Craigslist plot twist?
Antique Hand Cranked Vibrating Dildo
Post Date: 1/1/2010
Wait, the vibrator was "passed down" through the generations?
Sea Monkeys
Post Date: 2/16/2010
You have to be quite the humanitarian to worry about the fate of your son's sea monkeys during a move.
Top Guy Looking for "Small" Guys
Post Date: 12/13/2012
Aw! It's nice to know that in the gay community there are some who find impotency charming.
Free Box of Magnum Condoms
Post Date: 5/12/2009
Can't a girl just try to give away a giant box of condoms without being constantly chirped at by lonely guys?
Can I Flush Your Head in a Toilet While Blasting Hall & Oates?
Post Date: 10/13/2009
Confession: There are better Hall & Oates songs than "Highway to the Danger Zone" to listen to while flushing someone's head in the toilet.
Women, Become a Virgin Again with Secret Asian Secret
Post Date: 12/4/2012
Say it slowly, "vagina tightening gel."
Vegetarian Only
Post Date: 3/18/2011
I'm not sure if this ad implies the sexual use of vegetables, or the sexual role-play of vegetables. Either way I'm frightened.
Lost Shark
Post Date: 3/13/2012
There is nothing more viscerally horrifying than the idea of a flying shark. Especially in the Pacific Northwest.
Free Birthday Hat for a Dog!
Post Date: 6/16/2012
Lemurs always get the short end of the stick.
Need Mad Scientist to Clone Dog
Post Date: 11/1/2012
Mad scientists are only getting paid $60 to clone things these days? Man, fuck this economy.
1500 Live Ladybugs. Accidentally Bought While Drunk.
Post Date: 12/5/2009
Irresponsible drinking can make you responsible for the lives of 1,500 ladybugs. Which makes this dude an accidental ladybug mass-murderer.
Wanted: Babysitter for Druggies
Post Date: 12/4/2009
It's good to know the people of Ann Arbor are treating life like a year-round summer camp. You know you're reading a post from a druggie when you read the phrase "we are chill people."
Seeking Bodyguard Named Betty
Post Date: 6/21/2010
This posting proves something that we've known for a long time. There's nothing more unsexy than a big Paul Simon fan.
Wanna Break my Star Wars cherry?
Post Date: 1/1/2010
As much as I love Star Wars, wouldn't it be terrible to watch it with someone who hasn't seen it? Wouldn't you feel the internal urge to explain every awkward scene or terrible one-liner?
Are You a Ghost Surfing the Web?
Post Date: 10/18/2011
If I was a ghost, I'd most certainly spend all my time browsing the Raleigh Craigslist.
You Slept Naked in My Bed. Unfortunately, You Were in the Wrong Apartment.
Post Date: 12/14/2011
Emily is, apparently, about that life. YOLO.
A Big Healthy Shit
Post Date: 1/24/2010
Boys will take a giant dump and feel moved to write about it on the internet. Because boys will be boys.
We Need a Smart Person
Post Date: 2/11/2010
YES, IT APPEARS YOU DO.
Looking for a Female to Take a Few Pictures for Cash
Post Date: 2/20/2010
A couple things with this. One, you apparently don't have any close female friends willing to take a picture with you. Two, your parents are deep enough in your personal life to not leave you alone during a breakup, so much so that you have to make up an imaginary new girlfriend.
Giving Blood
Post Date: 7/19/2010
This guy is responsible for the greatest Missed Connections pun of all time. Congratulations. You deserve to find your crush.
Free 17-Foot Canoe. Not seaworthy.
Post Date: 10/2/2010
To be fair, the poster comes up with a surprising number of alternative uses for a canoe. Besides, y'know, canoeing.
Looking for Super Mario Sex
Post Date: 12/21/2011
Let's be honest, are there any of us who haven't at least considered the idea of having sex with a Super Mario character?
Open Coffee Shop Opportunity
Post Date: 7/30/2012
As funny as this is, I bet the poster's band is pretty terrible.
Possibly in Need of Exorcist
Post Date: 9/2/2012
How hard is it to find a referenced exorcist in Tallahassee? Hopefully not hard enough.
Woman Needed for Dungeons and Dragons-based Adult Bachelor Party
Post Date: 10/2/2012
That's just a Dungeons and Dragons nerd for you. An ad that's respectful, horny, charming, and utterly hopeless all at the same time.
Guitarist for Metal Band
Post Date: 2/28/2012
Metal guitarists, the most ornery of musicians.
Found: One Left-Handed Black Glove
Post Date: 7/7/2012
There's no use denying it, this guy definitely attempted a conversation with this glove.
Looking for Disciplinary Spanking
Post Date: 12/9/2012
Remember, this is not about sex, it's about changing your behavior.
Mike Wallace Rookie Card Collection
Post Date: 12/12/2012
Exclusively collecting things related to a 26-year-old, above-average, single-year All Star wide receiver for the Pittsburgh Steelers is a fairly rare breed in Phoenix.
I'll Do Anything for a Crude Oil Buyer
Post Date: 12/2/2004
Trading sexual favors for the sale of raw, natural capital is the way real business gets done.
Seeking a Sniff Partner
Post Date: 1/10/2005
I don't think it's possible to use the words "sniff partner" and "nothing gross" in the same post.
Miracle Grow
Post Date: 12/12/2012
Instead of simply buying a generic household bottle, I usually scour Craigslist to find someone giving half a bottle away for free. I'm assuming "Miracle Grow" isn't some Raleigh slang for meth.
Horse in a Hotel
Post Date: 8/9/2012
The logistics of successfully sneaking a horse into a hotel are profound, but I guess they do things differently down in Austin, Texas.
Hey Freaks! Antique Dentist's Chair, Free!
Post Date: 4/23/2005
There's nothing like immediately alienating any potential buyer in your ad. I, for one, think an antique dentist chair is a perfectly normal thing to want.
Ugly Mean Cat, Free
Post Date: 6/11/2011
This is a trick ad, because we know all cats are ugly and mean and tempermental.
Jogging Partner
Post Date: 5/26/2011
I'm not sure if there's a better definition of the word "partner" than getting someone to strap their body to yours.
Free Kool-Aid Costume
Post Date: 4/27/2011
Don't you love purchasing things from dirty frat houses?
One Free Chicken to Good Home
Post Date: 9/26/2005
I actually completely agree with this sentiment. If you're a tenacious enough chicken to escape a slaughterhouse or the wild, you absolutely deserve to have a long and healthy chicken life.
Morrissey Shrine
Post Date: 9/14/2012
I'm pretty sure even Morrissey is a little too modest for this. Props to the double-decker bus, though.
To the Tailgating Cop Who Ruined My Blowjob on the QEW
Post Date: 12/9/2005
Yes, getting a blowjob while driving is illegal. At least we finally have an answer to this age old question.
Used Sex Toy for Sale
Post Date: 4/2/2006
Once you start buying used sex toys, I don't think you can ever make your way back to humanity.
Free Toilet, Needs TLC
Post Date: 2/24/2010
If you're a parent, that means there's a better-than-average chance that someday you might have to give a toilet away on the Internet because a child stuffed an action figure down it. Not an easy sell.
Penis Measuring
Post Date: 3/2/2010
There are a few things that are guaranteed in this life. One of them is guys caring way too much about their dick size.
I Horked on Your Tits
Post Date: 5/23/2006
Puking on a pair of boobs has never sounded more adorable.
Fart man Seeks Fart Woman
Post Date: 6/5/2006
God, Fart Man and Fart Woman was the worst Super Nintendo game ever.
Looking for a Man with a Very Expensive Sports Car
Post Date: 5/8/2008
This woman is actually paying someone $50 to talk to a man in an expensive car, all to make someone else jealous. Craigslist: Where abject obession can be monetized.
Dead Moose
Post Date: 5/8/2008
Yes everyone, this is what Craigslist actually looks like in Alaska.
Decapitated Dolls
Post Date: 6/4/2008
Directed by Eli Roth.
Need a Female Companion 4 Anything
Post Date: 7/8/2008
You know, I really feel for this poor boy from Oklahoma City. It takes a long, long history of rejection to whittle down your relationship requirements to "under 50, no men." Nothing says loneliness like a scanned copy of your student ID.
To the Redheaded MILF Jogging in the Park Sunday Morning, Apologies
Post Date: 2/22/2010
Clarifying your shameless ogling on the Internet only makes it worse, dude.
Woman Looking for Handsome Pro-Lifer
Post Date: 12/3/2009
There's nothing more empowering than ignoring someone attractive for ideological solidarity. Stay strong ladies!
Manhood Camping
Post Date: 5/8/2011
We're pretty sure this is a sex thing.
To the Hot Guy at Priest Lake on the 4th of July
Post Date: 7/24/2009
There isn't a sadder sentence on the planet than "I'm not making enough working at Waffle House." Second only to "you said you'd pull out, and you clearly didn't."
Condoms and Door Knobs
Post Date: 9/6/2009
I have seen hell, and it is 750 expired kiss-of-mint condoms.
Large Cat Statue
Post Date: 3/26/2011
I'm not sure what's more gaudy, a porcelain cat statue or a giant penis.
To the Gator that ATe My Pop-Bellied Pig
Post Date: 1/14/2012
You see kids, there are so many reasons not to put a prized necklace on a pig. For one, it might get eaten by an alligator. Two, you might have to explain to your wife why you were putting a prized necklace on a pig.
To the Woman Who Re-ended Me
Post Date: 9/3/2009
It's strange to know that the exchange of sex to avoid insurance costs has gotten so efficient that we don't even have to trade names anymore.
I GOT SOMEONES DEAD GRANDMOTHER IN URN
Post Date: 9/26/2009
"This might be the best piece of ash you'll ever get." Honestly what is there else to say? Also I don't think you can actually sell skulls on eBay.
To the Beautiful Lady Who Saw Me Pooping
Post Date: 11/13/2009
You know, he makes a pretty good argument. Everyone does poop after all. What's a better foundation for a relationship?
Gong Ringer
Post Date: 1/24/2010
There's no way this isn't about sex, right?
Got Milk?
Post Date: 12/10/2012
There is something remarkably earnest about how honest and polite this anonymous 35-year old man asks for a woman to let him drink her breast milk. They breed 'em well up in Tacoma. We'll even forgive the grossest pun of all time.
Keg
Post Date: 12/11/2012
This might be the worst haiku of all time.
Wiggles is Lookin 4 a Loveseat
Post Date: 9/22/2012
Maybe I'm insensitive, but I'm pretty sure that furniture was a lot more expensive than Wiggles.
Capitalist Seeking Poor Artist to be Taken Advantage of
Post Date: 1/24/2009
Never change, Humboldt.
Girl Seeking World of Warfare Player
Post Date: 10/14/2008
See, usually when I talk about how I once solo-healed my tank with a tier-6 paladin through the Patchwerk encounter, it really kills the mood.
Wanted: Rollerskating Waitresses
Post Date: 8/3/2009
You know, it actually makes a ton of sense that some weird 40-year old L.A. dude would be into having a bunch of roller-skating girls at his scummy birthday party. And at least being on roller skates would make it really easy to escape when things inevitably get gross.
Lost Your Teeth? They're Poolside
Post Date: 5/16/2011
There are many reasons to be terrified of getting old. The prospect of accidentally leaving your teeth somewhere is perhaps the most horrifying.
To The Perv from NJ in a BMW
Post Date: 6/27/2006
I suppose I have no reason to doubt that jerking off while driving a car is exclusive to New Jersey.
Require Dragon Slayer
Post Date: 4/19/2012
I mean, if I saw a dragon flying over Colorado, I would most certainly want to recruit a dragon slayer.
Rude Female Driver
Post Date: 9/2/2003
There are so many twists and turns to this ad's four sentences. It starts as a weirdly bitter spew and ends as a desperate cry for love. The movie deal is forthcoming.
15" Prince Charming Teddy Bear - Vermont Teddy Bears - $15
Post Date: 12/11/2012
The person behind this ad seems to believe that if I give a girl a $15 teddy bear she will immediately fall in love with me. If this is true, I've got a lot of rethinking to do.
DO YOU ENJOY BEING ORALLY SATISFIED?
Post Date: 12/5/2012
I MEAN KINDA, NOT NECESSARILY FROM A 50 YEAR OLD, SUBTLY RACIST MAN THOUGH.
Autographed Copy of the Bible
Post Date: 4/5/2011
Oh, Wyoming.
I'll be dipped
Post Date: 12/11/2012
Just in case you thought we were actually making significant cultural progress on same-sex marriage legislation.
Shaq $100,000 painting-drastic price reduction
Post Date: 8/28/2012
Would you like to dpend thousands of dollars on a Polish dude's portrait of Shaquille O'Neal? Yeah, me neither.
Name my fish
Post Date: 9/23/2012
Our hero gets drunk and purchases a fish that he does not actually want. A sad situation to be in for sure, but never to be discouraged, he takes to the Internet to try and profit on the privilege of naming his fish. It sucks to find out that Craigslist has shattered even the sanctity of fish-naming.
Sapphires MNF - m4w - 35
Post Date: 12/10/2012
I'm not sure if this guy is completely incapable or just has nothing else to lose, but inviting anonymous women to watch Monday Night Football at a strip club does not seem like the best strategy in the world.
Lots of VHS tapes - FREE!
Post Date: 9/30/2012
This ad could've simply read, "hey, come over and get some VHS movies." But instead we get the most needlessly verbose sales pitch of all time.
Feline Lap Surrogate
Post Date: 11/28/2012
Yes, this old woman is looking for someone to come over every day so her cat can sit on a warm, welcoming lap. I say old woman, because there's no way it could be anything else. We all hope that our lives never get to a point where we program our cat's whims into our schedule.
An Open Letter to Bi-curious Drunk Girls
Post Date: 8/26/2012
Who knew that the overextending bi-curious girls of the world could cause so much internal strife for our lesbian sisters of the world? This actually might be the most ethical post on Craigslist of all time.
I stole your crutches
Post Date: 6/7/2007
I'm pretty happy to say I've never been drunk enough to consider stealing a pair of crutches. But it is good to know that whoever did had the decency to atone via Craigslist.
