The humidity and heat of the summer has subsided and your summer flings have returned to their respective party schools, which can only mean one thing: cuffing season. As the temperatures drop, warm-blooded girls and boys try to find the one person to become their space heater during the colder months. But how do you drop your flirty summer ways and find a significant other who you actually want to spend time cuddling up with? Marni Kinrys, the dating guru who invented the Wing Girl Method, will help you figure that out.
Complex: What are your thoughts on cuffing season, the trendy term given to the idea of people coupling up during the winter.
Marni Kinrys: Summertime involves the sun. We go out in our bikinis. We're happier. We get more fit. So, as things start to dial down and get colder, people aren't going out as much. They want to find somebody to spend time at home with during that fall/winter season.
Do you think the holidays have something to do with it?
Definitely. When I started dating my husband seven years ago, every time we reevaluated our relationship was before the holiday season. There's more pressure from your family. They're going to start asking, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" or "Why don't you have a girlfriend?"
Do you think women are more receptive to men during this season?
I'm trying to think about myself when it comes to dating. Probably. During the summertime, I feel extra sexy and attractive because more people are out, you're interacting. Everything gets more serious during the winter months. I'll say for women, yes, absolutely. You get more focused.
In general, this is the time you get more focused, anyway. It's when you reevaluate yourself and say "OK, this is what this year has brought for me. Am I on the right track? Do I need to stop spending more money? Should I be more serious in my relationships? Should I be having one-night stands?"
You're a pro wingwoman. What tips do you have for guys who want to initiate a romantic relationship?
The biggest thing I would suggest to people, but men specifically, is to get off your ass, and even though it is getting colder outside, really force yourself to go out there and engage everybody.
Don't focus on having someone. Anytime when you focus on something really hard like getting pregnant or getting sex or being good in the bedroom, you create these high expectations which put a lot of stress on you. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy; you end up failing because you're not really part of the moment. You start turning inwards and focusing on that goal rather than the interactions you're having with people.
The biggest thing I would suggest to people, but men specifically, is to get off your ass, and even though it is getting colder outside, really force yourself to go out there and engage everybody. Not just women, approach and engage everybody. Be as open as possible because the best way to meet women is by doing something better than meeting women. If you start focusing on meeting women, it's cheesy and you're not going to get as great a response. You're going to have to work harder.
What is the ultimate quality a guy must possess?
Confidence. It's an umbrella for everything. If you're confident, you can be a leader. If you're confident, you're happy with yourself and you're comfortable and you're more relaxed. If you're confident, you can say what you want to say. If you're confident, you can ask for what you want to ask for. Confidence is the driving quality that helps you get what you want.
What can couples expect after the novelty wears off once the new year starts?
They can expect a possible shift. It depends on the relationship. Every relationship is different. It depends on the expectations of the person you're dating. Everything's going to be a change and a hump and a hurdle. You have to communicate through the whole process whether it's a good shift or a bad shift.
People think that they have more options during the summertime because, again, they're out more, so opportunity seems abundant. The thing to remember is opportunity is abundant at all times. Consider the opportunity that you have in front of you.
What can couples do, specifically, to make it work?
First thing, you have to decide whether or not you want it to work. If you're content, if you're happy, and you communicate well. If you do, move forward. If you don't, end it.
Is there anything that a guy should absolutely avoid doing when approaching a girl?
Approach her with your penis. Not necessarily with your penis hanging out, but if you approach her for a purpose and you forget to connect, that's what turns her off. She feels like an object, no connection has been made, and there's no reason to want to talk to you.
The thing to remember is opportunity is abundant at all times, so the thing to consider is you seeking those opportunities and wanting those opportunities or recognizing the opportunity that you have in front of you.
I was coaching a guy this morning and we did a mock approach together and he was showing me how he approached a girl on campus. He's super confident but he would go up and drill them with questions like, "So what's your major? Where are you from? How are you doing?" I was like, "Are you serious?" He was like, "Well I wanted her to open up." So I told him, "Be a leader and show her how to open up by you opening up and having a conversation. Right now, all I'm thinking is, 'What does this person want from me?'"
Every question that you ask, the girl puts one more shield up towards you. If you want to break down those shields, start sharing with women. You ask where she's from, and when she gives an answer like "Chicago," you say "Oh, I've never been to Chicago" or "Chicago happens to be one of my favorite cities. One time I was in Chicago, I did X, Y and Z." As soon as you start painting a bigger picture about the world that you're involved in, it lets a woman drop her guard and open up to you, and that's when a connection can be made. You don't have to talk to her for 25 minutes, you can talk to her for three minutes, get her number and leave. When you approach her again, she's more comfortable talking to you because you already have that connection. You weren't just the guy who interviewed her and left.