A Brief History of LL Cool J's Most Out of Touch Moments

There is no doubting the legendary status of LL Cool J. He calls himself the GOAT, the ladies love him, and he sleeps on stacks of platinum albums and Grammy awards (it sounds uncomfortable, but you'd switch places with him, no?). However, it's impossible for even the biggest and deffest personality to keep his finger on the pulse of popular culture for nearly three decades. There are bound to be some missteps, even if you are walking with panthers.

In the wake of “Accidental Racist” and his new album, Authentic, we look at a few bunch of LL's missteps, and why none of us should be surprised that they happened. His batting average isn't low—considering his lasting influence and prolific output—but when you’ve been at bat since the ‘80s, there are bound to be at least a few strikeouts. We still love you though LL! So please don’t knock us out, regardless of who tells you to.

Written by Alexander Gleckman (@andfeedingyou)

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Year: December 1992

Though LL would go on to take bigger roles in better-received productions, no rapper wants to get caught next to Robin Williams when your bizarre movie about war toys starts to sink. LL plays an expert in covert military operations, appointed as head of security for the Zevo Toys factory, making sure no duplicates are being made. Honestly, dude holds it down the entire movie, even when he has to masterfully avoid being killed by fully strapped robot dolls.

LL might have actually been the best part of this movie. But the fact that it performed terribly—both commercially and critically—was not such a good look for LL or his music. Perhaps his motivation for presenting himself as a gangster rapper the following year with 14 Shots to the Dome was because this was one of his least gangster endeavors ever.

Year: March 1997

Given creative control of his 1997 VIBE cover, LL Cool J did exactly what any self-respecting rapper/actor/father/clothing mogul would do: He brought the whole family along. Perhaps he wanted to present himself as a father to the kind of family in which each member sees things independently (which explains why everyone is looking in different directions).

Interpretations aside, on this anomalous cover LL seems a bit out of touch when you think about the audience. Rap fans buying VIBE the same year were seeing much less lighthearted covers for Biggie, Snoop, and Wu-Tang. Maybe he was trying to break some of the tension in hip-hop and show that it was okay to be a happy rapper in an era of solemn violence. Or maybe he just wanted tap into the moms and kids market for FUBU. We're betting on the latter.

Year: October 1997
Eminem once rhymed, "I'll battle you over stupid shit and diss people who ain't have shit to do with it like Cool J does (My tattoo!)." The story he's citing is LL Cool J's unfortunate misunderstanding with Canibus on the song "4,3,2,1." A young Canibus was so excited to be on a song with LL he rhymed, "L, is that a mic on your arm? Let me borrow that." The line seemed friendly enough. But LL got heated and dissed Canibus in his verse rhyming, "The symbol on my arm is off limits to challengers/You hold the rusty sword, I swing the Excalibur."

Cooler heads seemingly prevailed when Canibus changed his verse and removed the line, however LL didn't change his verse. Once Canibus' original verse started making rounds on the New York mixtape circuit, fans became aware of the tension between the two rappers which eventually spilled onto more diss songs. Bus eventually struck back with the song "Second Round K.O." When a beef plays out between rappers on a song they're supposed to be collaborating on, at least one of them is a little bit out of touch.

Year: July 1999

It can get confusing, but LL Cool J was actually in both Deep Blue Sea and In Too Deep. Depth is clearly a recurring theme, and in the case of this song, he led a quixotic quest to be the "deepest," demanding constantly of the listener to "take it deeper."

It's important to consider LL's level of depth when one hears the lyric, "My hat is like a shark's fin," because otherwise it might be brushed off as just an insane thing to say. In its original context (1987's "I'm Bad") it makes sense ("MCs can't win, I make 'em rust like tin/They call me 'Jaws,' my hat is like a shark's fin"). But in this context, what can this cryptic poetry mean? He repeats the simile a total of 35 times in the song, so it must carry some ideological or ontological message, but what can it be? Perhaps the answer is hidden in the deepest, bluest corner of the sea. Or maybe we've gone in too deep trying to figure it out.

Year: August 1999

According to an interview, after filming In Too Deep, LL had become so immersed in his character, "God," that he had to avoid being with his family for two weeks. The movie's title was a self-fulfilling prophecy for LL's life, causing him to quite literally become out of touch with his loved ones.

Such an act of refuge from a thoroughly invested actor would make more sense if the movie wasn't completely ridiculous. He plays a character named "God," for God's sake. The most dramatic scene in the movie is when God accuses his friend of stepping to his wife, hog-ties dude onto a pool table, then proceeds to get a little endoscopic with dude and a pool cue. Such was the character that LL couldn't escape: A billiards rapist.

Year: October 2003

In 2003, the Senate held a debate over file sharing. LL Cool J was among the speakers, representing the "sweat of one's brow" side, arguing on the same team as the RIAA. His argument, though spoken from the heart (noting that file sharing hurts the peripheral musician, e.g. a studio drummer), was out of touch with the inevitable.

One could point to his age, and say it's unfair for those who grew up with the Internet to judge those who didn't. So it might make sense that he lacked the savvy required to have known that sharing would be uncontrollable. But the even older Chuck D came through with the ill sage stance at the very same debate: "Technology giveth and it taketh way, and the industry knows this. The horseshoe makers probably got upset at the train manufacturers..."

The horseshoe days were over, but LL was trying to stick to his old saddle and stirrups. Not that it would stop him from coming back in full force five years later atop the digital chariot that he would call Boomdizzle.

Year: July 2008

If you go to this site, you will see a few things. First, at the top of your browser, it will read, "Want2BFamous?" If you do, you've certainly come to the right place. The jump-off for your career in music starts at Boomdizzle.com, where non-specific pictures of people having a good time blend in seamlessly with candids of its founder, LL Cool J, wearing a Boomdizzle t-shirt.

Purchasing LL Cool J songs will also give your career the boost it needs, and such investment is encouraged with an abundance of shameless links. If you're trying to partner with Boomdizzle, will a picture of a Halo Reach ad push you over that decision barrier? Of course it will.

But Boomdizzle's most under-advertised feature is its ability to satisfy your need for a hilarious joke, as a vestige of LL's entrepreneurial spirit immortalized with a slideshow that may loop ad infinitum through his own dated singles and links to vague activities like "socialize." This digital tumbleweed is definitely worth a look, but turn your speakers down before visiting, because you'll be bombarded with a loud, familiar voice as soon as the site loads.

Year: September 2008
Though it preceded Jay-Z's "Death of Auto-Tune" by about a year, this song was more of an Ice-T vs. Soulja Boy moment than a worthy attempt at drawing a line in the sand. LL sounded like he wanted to take it back to the boxing ring with lyrics like, "My bars are like a bullet, blow your head right off," while his target just wanted their favorite song as a ringtone.

Had he known that ringtones would be just a phase, perhaps he might've kept this iPhone ether to himself. At any rate, going after the youth and these newfangled things called cell phones really only accentuates how old you seem. Mid-life crisis rap may have its day, but this one was more a lyrical suicide than "murder."

Year: September 2008
If you weren't feeling the Star-Spangled Banner, consider this the star-spangled banger. It's a crash-course in American history. You'll be exposed to the Founding Fathers, the idea that the "French helped us out," and the fact that shit really started popping off for America back in 1776. LL constructs a patriotic fantasy in which, "Thomas Jefferson would love BET," (See, our dude has been dropping hints that he'd be capable of something like "Accidental Racist" for a while, this is like watching Shutter Island the second time around.) LL has so many unfuckwittable bars on this song that the best ones needed to be ranked, in order of increasing quality:

Honorable mention: "The King of England would have left us alone/If he saw Jessica Simpson eat an ice cream cone."

Bronze: "I'm so glad the French helped us out/Now you're free to walk around and let your cleavage bounce."

Silver: "The Queen of Spain spent some change/Now Paris Hilton is pushing the Range."

Jiggy oil field glittery gold: "I'll give you the John Hancock if you don't tell/Let's have the Boston Tea Party, what the hell."

And, of course, he plugged Boomdizzle twice. USA! USA! USA!

Year: October 2012
Juicy J is 38. LL Cool J is 45. Though an age difference of less than a decade becomes relatively negligible around the 40 mark, LL Cool J should say no to making ratchet-oriented songs—if for no other reason than because Juicy J can't.

Beside the fact that Juicy has been making ratchet songs since the '90s, his songs are actually fun and funny. When LL starts rapping that it's "time to get rid of your ratchet ass," it just sounds sad. Like, Young Buck laughing at the end of "Taped Conversation" sad.

You get this picture of a 45-year-old man getting played by a gold digger, and though the fact that he revealed his romantic failures is commendable to some, no one really wants to hear a cautionary tale for Hugh Hefner.

Year: April 2013
Good intentions are rarely the criteria for success. With a message as explicit as that of "Accidental Racist," it was either delivered or it wasn't. LL Cool J shot himself in the foot with lines like, "If you don't judge my do-rag, I won't judge your red flag."

Many critics of the song argued that the idea of putting the past behind us is not the right approach, that we shouldn't just forget the "iron chains." The function of the song itself, though, doesn't actually try to force anything into the background, rather, simply by bringing it up, it asks the listener to acknowledge the past, and only then proceed to behave as a member of the present.

The essence of what is "out of touch" here lies not in the message of the song, but mostly in the fact that LL didn't expect the backlash. The song itself was perceived as accidentally racist, and to those it didn't offend, it was just a hilarious joke—an Internet troll's wet dream. But maybe, by the fact that listeners all around the world came together to appreciate the unbelievably corny nature of the song, LL and Brad succeeded. But for the record, fuck Robert E. Lee. Dude was catching mad feelings at Appomattox.