10 Signs Your Girl Listens to Too Much Rap Music

Molly is hip-hop's new drug of choice, and your girl was on it early. Sure, it's an improvement from last year's lean addiction—her bowel movements are back on a regular schedule—but last time she was at your place, she spent 40 minutes feeling the curtains, so it's still a trade-off. You heard something about rappers making "bath salts" popular next, so you've put locks on the cabinets where you keep the Morton's.

You guys are already beefing, so you better not bring up Ras Kass' insanely divisive "Nature of the Threat," a nearly eight-minute-long treatise on history, race and culture. A controversial exploration of the history of racial exploitation, the song is a blend of verifiable facts and less-verifiable assertions and homophobic guilt-by-association. It was bad enough when she was mad at you for looking at her sister; wait until she finds out your take on the Punic Wars or Yeshua Ben Yosef. Our advice is to avoid any argument that could end with her telling you to "put a gerbil on your Christmas list."

There you were, front and center for the sold-out Trinidad James show at SOBs and your girl takes her first sip of a drink then let's you know she's going to use the restroom. You're looking around 20 minutes later and she's nowhere to be seen-maybe the line is long. The lights dim and Trinidad bobs to the center of the stage and there she is, peering out from behind a curtain as you stand there defeated as hell, watching her lining up for that on-stage twerk competition. Hip-hop shows often give women the opportunity to showcase their "dance" skills for an audience, and if your girl gets all dressed up in preparation (only take it off when she's up there "expressing herself"), you've got someone special on your hands.

Remember when this song blew your mind in junior high? It's rude and hilarious, and definitely forbidden. You listened to it 400 times, and your sister was not amused. This must be some kind of karmic retribution, because now your girl loves raunchy rap music and it feels like Eazy E is posthumously putting the pressure on. That's just not cool. No, Webbie's "Gimme That" isn't any better.

The only thing more annoying than arguing with your girl is when she starts to clap in your face and ask you, "Why don't you just keep it 3hunna with me?" Or when she creates her own damn ad-libs and uses them every chance she gets, including during your family's Sunday dinners. Every other girl to her is a "chickenhead" and every inappropriate thing said is followed with a "Pause!" It might have seemed cool that she was "based" at first, but it gets pretty damn annoying that she can't go one sentence without throwing in some sort of rap slang, even in the most serious of times.

Every Monday night, your girl follows up the latest Love & Hip Hop episode with a tweet at Joe Budden, congratulating him on his latest performance. What's even more annoying is that he favorites and tweets her right back. If over 50 percent of her followers are rappers with whom she frequently interacts, your girl is definitely too far into the game. That is, unless she's personal friends with them or blogs all of their music. But given the chance that she's not, her Twitter followers may be a cause for concern.

Social media is more than just a platform for your girl to mention and direct message rappers­. She's going after rap writers, too. She's constantly tuning in to Jon Caramanica's podcasts and she retweets every piece of industry advice Elliott Wilson sends out. She's LOL'ing at some writer's witty observations, and you're losing her with every click of the favorite button. Once she ends up in one of their DMs, she's as good as gone.

First it was YOLO on her inner lip. Then it was that Pink Friday lyric. Soon enough, she'll have an ode to Biggie across both thighs. If your girl wants to prove she's a rapper's No. 1 fan, tattoos are the first step in showing true loyalty. We'll never forget the woman who got "DRAKE" tattooed on her forehead, and you'll never forget every time she shows off ink for a random guy in the club. If your girl is too overzealous about inking her favorite rhymes or an R.I.P. to her fallen music idol, you know she's far too deep in the music. Instead of spending her cash on a Gucci Mane ice cream cone tattoo replica, she could easily be shelling out dough to get your name tattooed right across her heart.

She's first to push every viral video. She practically memorizes the Fail Freestyle of the Week, and makes you watch it a few times until you force out a laugh. WorldStarHipHop is the first thing your girl checks in the morning, and if it had a weather forecast and traffic report, it'd be the only thing besides her Twitter that she keeps up with throughout the day. All the ratchet shit that WSHH promotes, your girl is familiar with long before it becomes a trending topic on Twitter, and she's convinced it's the most important news of the day. You are rightfully concerned.

Knowledge reigns supreme over nearly everybody. Cash rules everything around me. The good die over mostly bullshit. Hip-hop is acronym-crazy, but perhaps the most tragicomic rap acronym of all time is "G.O.A.T." popularized in hip-hop by LL Cool J after making it the title of his eighth studio album. G.O.A.T. (Greatest of All Time) was LL's only record to hit No. 1 on Billboard, but your girl is probably more familiar with the term from her days of "keystyling" rap verses on hip-hop message boards. It's cool that your girl is cocky about the gifts God gave her, but "G.O.A.T." is a pretty absurd acronym to use in a boastful manner when talking about a rap career, never mind body parts.