Dirty Laundry: A Recent History of Exes Talking Smack on Social Media

Between Catfishing and the dissemination of dick pics, dating in the Internet age can be downright hazardous. But the most common and exasperating thing about finding love in 2014 is catching a post-breakup kick to the face on social media. These days, it seems that the brokenhearted are much more likely to post an ex-partner's Social Security Number to Facebook than wolf down a pint of Ben & Jerry's while watching How Stella Got Her Groove Back. This list of outrageous couple fights on social media illustrates just how bad things are today. Hopefully, you will handle heartache better than these clowns.

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Standout line: "A 26 year old with no job and a stupid goatee. I don't know how I'll live without him!"

After apparently breaking up with Geri, Matt goes on Facebook to lament the perils of unrequited love. Naturally. Geri comments on Matt's status update, which elicits a reaction from Matt's new squeeze, Kristen. Like a digitized version of The Jerry Springer Show, the girls exchange savage jabs like "your (sic) just mad he chose me over ur fugly ass." Ultimately, though, Matt does to his own Facebook wall what a tablespoon of bleach does to a fruit smoothie by entering the dialogue with a halfhearted defense of his goatee. Poorly played overall, Matt.

Standout line: "He saw the proof. We agreed on this, okay? Because we both know that you're doing wrong."

Hell hath no fury like a pair of bros scorned. Two dudes, who've apparently been sleeping with the same woman, pull a millennial adaptation of "The Boy is Mine" video by confronting said woman about her alleged infidelity. And, in typical Generation Y fashion, uploading the encounter to YouTube. Between Facebook tags, browsing history and this nonsense, it's nearly impossible to cheat in 2014. SMH. Our parents had it so easy.

Standout line: "I told your boss about how you have been taking money from the company and how you pissed on his chair during an office party."

This story is only three poorly punctuated paragraphs, but it's 100x more compelling than anything Martin Scorsese's turned out. After a breakup, a love-scorned woman storms her ex's place of work and causes such a scene that her ex-boyfriend gets fired. Not to be outdone, the ex-boyfriend sends screen shots of scathing text messages to the woman's friends, claims to take sole possession of their shared home, and implicates his ex-girlfriend in a pair of crimes against her employer—including embezzlement and urinating on a superior's chair. Hands off, Harmony Korine. I calls dibs on this adaptive screenplay.

Standout line: "...since I know you like looking for things (like other girls!) here's where you'll find your stuff!"

After perusing her boyfriend's open Facebook, a woman discovers incriminating correspondence between her dude and a girl named Kelsi. Instead of putting everything he owns in a box to the left, this chick hides the guy's stuff all over town ("Your videogames are where we first kissed!"). Looks like you lost a good one, dude. Any chick that remembers where you "bought [your] first videogame together," is a chick you have to hold on to with both hands.

Standout line: "I cheated on my wife!!! (and she was ugly!!!)"

You know the old adage: Boy meets girl, boy cheats on girl, girl demands that boy shame his way to 10,000 "likes" on Facebook in order to reconcile their marriage. When Ivan Lewis reached out to his estranged wife to patch things up, she challenged him to elicit 10,000 Facebook "likes" with a picture that read, "I cheated on my wife!!! (and she was ugly!!!)." Lewis steamrolled by his goal, amassing more than 15,000 thumbs in the air with this sad, pathetic picture. Weeks later, Lewis changed his profile picture to an image of him and his wife embracing on a beach. Move over Batkid, 2013 has a new feel-good story of the year.

Standout line: "When they see this video, they'll understand."

Besides the gift registry, getting married looks like it sucks. Take for example this guy, who resents his wife so much that he's willing to upload a video of her acting like a lunatic on YouTube. Like, you have to really begrudge a person to humiliate them on that large of a stage. In his defense, however, sharing an enclosed space with this woman looks like an excruciatingly painful experience. Good luck in divorce court, you two.

Standout line: "What I find amazing is how that little micro penis manages to impregnate anyone!"

With blogs having the potential to do to your sex life what a one-star Yelp review does for a fledgling restaurant, you have to be careful who you date in 2014. If a potential partner has an Instagram thread full of selfies, a loyal Tumblr following and a "lifestyle blog," then you might want to steer clear. Case in point, John Wender, who was blasted on a blog by Louise Silberling, a woman Wender allegedly dumped after a mere three dates. Silberling accused Wender of being into—among other things—"strap-on play," "auto-erotic asphyxia," and "breast torture." Either these two had a wild series of dates, or this woman is totally batshit. Wender went on to file a $1.25M lawsuit against Silberling for defamation, citing dozens of posts Silberling's made online attacking Wender's professional and personal reputation.

Standout line: N/A

Ben Haddon needs a how-to lesson in break-ups (and maybe some time behind bars) because earlier this year the 29-year-old British man reacted to a split with his ex by posting racy photographs of her to Facebook. At the time, Haddon threatened to post more pictures on the social networking site, but changed his tune in court, "I am a father, and I am disgusted in myself," he said, "I have been a first class idiot."

Standout line: "Our aniversary [sic] was in November and we went along to the Hilton in Amsterdam. At the same time she has been fucking Robert McNeil on nights out on money borrowed off me!"

After discovering through Facebook that his girlfriend had been seeing another guy, Martin Melrose—a Scottish optician—sought revenge with a scorching status update on his ex-girlfriend's account. "Sarah has had a boyfriend for over a year," it began. Melrose goes on to allege that his ex created an additional account, which represented her as a single woman, to "...hide her slut behaviour from me." Melrose concluded the update with, "So after a quick nap I'm going to wake her up and chuck her in a taxi out of my life forever!" Powerful stuff, Martin. Thanks for sharing.

Standout line: "You're a broke, 30 year old manwhore who lives with his parents. And it's likely you'll be without a job very soon. So lame."

When a Kentucky woman found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her, she went to Facebook and posted a 1,000-word "Dear John" letter that's as scathing as it is hilarious. The letter can be read in its entirety on Deadspin, but worthwhile excerpts include:

"About the apartment: I terminated the lease weeks ago. (Yes, WEEKS.) It's up March 31st. You have two options: 1) pay March rent or 2) GTFO. "

"You flaunt a bravado to cover up your wild insecurities. You are the most pretentious egomaniac I've ever met."

"Bless your stupid, stupid heart."

Amid accusations that he engaged in "inappropriate electronic communication with an 18-year-old student," the letter's recipient resigned from his position as a high school basketball coach the following day. Good luck out there in the dating world, everyone.