Profiling the Different Types of Car Parkers
Most people are pretty horrible at it.
Image via Complex Original
Parking should not be an art. Sure, there are cool ways to do it, but when it comes down to it, it's a simple skill that every single person who drives should know how to do. My mind was blown, when I found out that not everybody has to go through a parallel parking test before getting a driver's license. This lack of elevated standards is one of many reasons why the quality of parking out in today's world is worse than ever. Other reasons include, people are dumb, people suck, people are stupid, and people are idiots. For all those reasons, we decided to categorize the horrible types of people who terrorize parking lots, side streets, and metered parking everywhere. Here are our Profiles of the Different Types of Car Parkers.
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The Person Who Squeezes Into a Spot That's Way Too Small
We're honestly kinda salty with Kia right now, after the recent Sorento commerical they put out. You know, the one where the driver sees the tiniest spot on the planet and still decides to squeeze into it, simply because he's got an ego the size of North Dakota? Aside from putting his own brand new car in danger, he's just created a huge inconvenience for the person he parked next to. And that's just a dick move.
The Person Who Steals Your Spot
If you've ever seen the episode about the nose-in guy who tries to snake George's spot, we don't need to tell you what's going on here. For those who haven't, let us explain. You've just spent about 20 minutes driving up and down the Kohl's parking lot looking for a place to park that isn't three feet wide, when you finally come upon the lady who is packing her 12 pairs of shoes into the rear of her BMW. You know it's going to take forever for her to unload, but it'll be worth it. It's close to the entrance, and right by the cart return. So, you put yourself in park, flick on the directional and wait.
Everything seems like it's about to fall into place, as you watch those little white lights slowly back up. You look down to slide into "D," but when you look up, you can't believe what you're seeing. Somebody from the opposite direction didn't even wait for the person leaving to go ahead, they just slithered into the spot without a care. You curse, you motion, you slam your hands on the wheel, but alas, you've just been the victim of an unwritten parking lot crime. Don't worry, those wandering ghost karma carts will probably end up in that person's taillight.
The Person Who Forgets the Parking Brake
Ever see somebody's car sticking out in the middle of the road with nobody in it? Or maybe you saw a car oddly creeping down a slight hill ... again, with nobody in it? There are plenty of absent-minded, in-a-hurry people who will remember to put up the windows, will remember to put the car into neutral, and will remember to grab the bag in the back seat, but then forget to pull up that ever-so-important stick in the middle of the car. The result isn't going to be pretty for that person.
The Person Who Double Parks
Ahhh, the dick of all dicks (pause). We're not talking about at the airport terminal, when somebody is just dropping somebody off here. We're talking when you walk out of your house or place of business and you see your car boxed in between three cars and a wall. There's absolutely nothing you can do except wait.
Wait for that person to come back, so you can call them an asshole and finally get where you're trying to go. It could be five minutes, it could be an hour. You never know. What we do know, is even though you think you'd feel better by taking a baseball bat to the person's windows, this, in fact, will not help. Don't do that. Just use your anger to finally beat that really hard level of Fruit Ninja or something.
The Person Who Has to Back in Every Single Time
This is possibly the only non-negative profiling we'll do on this list. And we say it's not negative, because it describes us perfectly. Maybe some people think it's a negative thing, but whatever. It's always easier to just drive forward from parking spots, driveways, or wherever you're leaving your car. And no, we don't use the backup cams, we actually throw our arm around the headrest of the person next to us, look through the back window and properly maneuver our car.
The Person Who Fails and Fails and Fails and Fails ...
We secretly love these people, especially when they show up right in front of our favorite ice cream spot. It's always fun to see some free entertainment as we eat our delightful treat. You can see them coming a mile away. The stop in the middle of the street, not next to the front car like you're supposed to. Then they proceed to immediately cut the wheel as far as it goes, so the car is practically full-on backing into the spot. Of course, they eithe realize they're doing terrible or hit the curb and pull forward. Then they do the exact same thing again. Then they'll do it again. They MIGHT unknowingly hit one of the cars, and for a second, you think they're going to stop. Then they pull forward and try again. Usually, they'll just accept screwing up their suspension and parking with one tire on the curb, or they'll admit defeat and drive away after the ninth failure. Could we have stepped up and given them a little bit of guidance? Of course. But they were driving a mini cooper and were on their cell phones at the same time, so they didn't exactly deserve our treasured knowledge.
The Person on the Curb
A close cousin to the I'll-know-when-I-hit-something parker, this person gives less than no fucks. They know they're horrible at parking, and that's that. They're not going to do anything to change it, so if you live on his or her block, you might as well get used to sharing the sidewalk with the rear tire of that ugly ass Ford Pinto.
The Person Who Sticks Out
A person who doesn't know the limits and restrictions of his or her car is a person destined to look like a chump. This happens all the time to moms who are driving SUVs or truck for the first times in their lives. They can't see over those gigantic hoods, so they never really know when they're close or far from anything they're pulling up to. This means they're either going to hit whatever is in front of them or they're going to pull up way short. When it's short, the boot of their rides ends up sticking out farther than their butts do in those jeans they really shouldn't be trying to fit into.
The Person Who Parks in a Restricted Spot and Leaves the Blinkers On
Some drivers really do think that blinkers are equivalent to a temporary get-out-of-jail-free card. They park in a spot that has striped lines, a sign that says "NO PARKING AT ANY TIME," and has a fire hydrant next to it and still get angry when they walk back outside and see a ticket on their windshield. Sorry, pal, you're an idiot, and you deserve that ticket.
The Douche Who Parks in the Handicapped Spot
CoughAndrewBynumCoughCough ... Yeah, Andrew Bynum is forever on our parking black list, after he took his custom Porsche and parked it on two handicapped spots. And no, this wasn't when he was suffering from one of the tens of injuries he's had.Even if you're a younger person with an injury, no pass means no spot up front. It's as simple as that. Besides, everybody knows those are for the grandmas who have had three hip replacements.
The Person Who Takes up Two or More Spots
This is one of our biggest pet peeves in all of our driving experiences. Some people are just idiots, and really don't pay attention to anything, particularly the fact that their gigantically wide turn left one-third of their pickup chilling in the spot directly next to the one they were actually trying to park in. Other people, whom we hate even more, purposely take up two spots, because they think they are God's shining gift to the world and their car is the second coming of the Messiah. Here's a bit of advice: If you don't trust anybody in the world, you're really not going to enjoy your life. We don't want you to just leave your car in your garage (Russ and Clark Kent's "Wear Your Kicks" philosophy applies to "DRIVE YOUR CARS), so maybe just go park it as far away as possible from everybody. Just don't waste our precious spots.
The Person Who Uses Cars Instead of a Rear View Mirror
Living in New York City has been a frighteningly eye-opening experience. Beyond the insane driving, you have a culture that really just doesn't know how the hell to park. I'm not sure if it's the large variety of people who move into the city, or if it's the fact that people have just become so callous that they don't care anymore, but people's bumpers are not a sacred thing here. Quite the opposite, actually.
I've talked to quite a few people who have admitted to me that they simply wait until they hit the car behind or in front of them to stop. Yes, you read that correctly. People intentionally play bumper cars in this city, just because they're too lazy (or maybe in too much of a hurry) to properly parallel park their cars. Suddenly, those stupid plastic pads and strips that we see on the front and rears of cabs don't seem so ridiculously ugly, after all.
The Person Who Doesn't Stop
These are the people who end up on the news, because they drove right into the front of a nice Italian restaurant or straight throught the back of the their garage. It's not too difficult, people. If you have an automatic, The one to the far left is stop. If it's a manual, the brake is in the middle. Don't give us that bullshit about getting them mixed up.