The 100 Best Sports Moments of the 2000s
It's been quite a decade for athletes, and we've got a list of the wild, wacky, and say what?!?!? unlike any other on the web.
Image via Complex Original
INTRO
This feature was originally published on November 3, 2009
It's November, and you know what that means, right? Only two months left in the first decade of the 21st Century! Kinda crazy, innit?!? We've spent the past few weeks counting down all our favorite things from the past ten years with our 200 proof Best of the 2000s series. Next up? The 100 Best Sports Moments!
Now what, you ask, does Complex know about sports? Quite a bit it turns out. We know some dude named Lance won some bike races this decade; we know we've finally got a president that can hoop; we know some dimpled quarterback won a few Super Bowls. But those aren't really the moments we're interested in. Instead of the plays that make you say "Wow, that's inspiring!" we're more for the ones that make you say "Holy mother of man, that's disgusting!" Hey, we're a little off, what can we say? So if you're at all like us, you won't avert your eyes as we present the 100 Best Sports Moments of the 2000's...
Allen Iverson: "Practice?!?"
100. Allen Iverson: "Practice?!?"
Date: 5/7/2002
Key Players: Allen Iverson, Philadelphia 76ers
Video Evidence: Click Here.
After head coach Larry Brown criticized him for missing team practices, Iverson held this classic conference to address the issue. Practice makes perfect? Perhaps, but A.I. has won an MVP and 10 All-Star selections during his career, so it's not the only way.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
The official "practice" count in Iverson's rant is 22.5.
Ronaldo gets Caught with Trannies
99. Ronaldo Gets Caught with Trannies
Date: 4/28/2008
Key Players: Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo and three transvestite prostitutes
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Ronaldo got more than he bargained for when he took three prostitutes back to a hotel room in Rio de Janeiro-and by "more", we mean penises. When Ronaldo discovered his, uh, pre-dick-ament, he offered money for the hoes to bounce, but one of them threatened to go to the media if he didn't cough up more. Ronaldo then went to the police, and the scandal was born. Our question: Was Ronaldo really surprised he had solicited a trio of trannies? We don't know for sure, but we think he might've been on that Eddie Murphy.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Around the time of the scandal, a Brazilian porn company announced a new movie starring a Ronaldo lookalike and one of the soccer star's actual ex-girlfriends, Vivi Brunieri.
Sports Trend of the Aughts: Teahupoo Surf
98. Sports Trend of the Aughts: Teahupoo Surf
Date: Various
Key Players: ASP World Tour contestants and freakshows like Laird Hamilton
Video Evidence: Click Here.
If big wave surfing at Jaws represented the limits of surf in the 90s, Teahupo set the bar in the 2000s. From pro surfers letting set waves pass by in competition to Hamilton's record tow in session in 2000, this spot consistently made jaws drop for the past ten years. You can play it in the Kelly Slater's Pro Surfervideo game if you can't get the balls up for the real spot.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Translations vary, but whether you think Teahupo means "End of the Road" or "Broken Skulls" it's not a pretty thing.
John Daly Goes Camera Smashing
97. John Daly Goes Camera Smashing
Date: 12/11/2008
Key Players: John Daly and golf fan Brad Clegg
Video Evidence:
While shooting 6 over par in the first round of the Australian Open, Daly grabbed the camera of a spectator who tried to take his picture and broke it against a tree (after, or perhaps before—it's not clear which—offering to buy the man another). On the bright side, Daly himself was apparently sober during the incident, so the camera was the only thing smashed.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Earlier in 2008, Daly underwent surgery to fix a torn muscle in his stomach that he claimed was a result of him stopping his swing after hearing the click of a fan's camera.
Adebayor Taunts Arsenal Fans
96. Adebayor Taunts Arsenal Fans
Date: 9/12/2009
Key Players: Manchester City soccer player, Emmanuel Adebayor
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Talk about payback: In the lead-up to his first match against his former team, Manchester City striker Adebayor criticized Arsenal fans for booing him the previous season. So, when Adebayor scored the decisive goal in front of his new home crowd, he didn't miss the opportunity to show exactly how he felt. The Togolese striker ran the length of the pitch to celebrate directly in front of Arsenal's traveling supporters, goading them into a near riot. Classy? Nope, but it was definitely gangsta.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Afterwards, Adebayor was handed a three-match suspension—not for his celebration, but for a stamp on Robin van Persie's head earlier in the game.
Juan Manuel Marquez Drinks His Own Piss
95. Juan Manuel Marquez Drinks His Own Piss
Date: 9/6/2009
Key Players: Boxer Juan Manuel Marquez
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Gatorade? Powerade? Vitamin Water? Nah, in a scene from 24/7during the prep for his fight with Floyd Mayweather, Marquez decided that none of those have shit on the waste vitamins and minerals in his own piss. Ahhh, refreshing.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
The salt and minerals in one's urine may actually cause the drinker to become even more dehydrate if consumed in large quantities.
Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame Induction Speech
94. Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame Induction Speech
Date: 9/11/2009
Key Players: Michael Jordan
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Classy to ashy: On the occasion of his induction to his sport's Hall of Fame, G.O.A.T. Michael Jordan decided to do his best Jack Lemmon-Walter Matthauimpression, dissing, in no particular order, everybody that ever played, coached, commentated on, or thought about maybe watching basketball in the past 25 years. Isiah Thomas tried to blame his own pill overdose/suicide attempt on his daughter and looks like a nice guy in comparison.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
In the original draft of his speech, MJ thanks God, "for making me bald and pissing me off even more."
Kelly Slater Wins 9 World Record Surfing Titles
93. Kelly Slater Wins 9 World Record Surfing Titles
Date: 10/3/2008
Key Players: Surfer Kelly Slater
Video Evidence: Click Here.
It's one thing for a sports team of revolving talent to win nine world titles, or for a tennis player to win nine Grand Slams, but in surfing, the world title is awarded to the top scoring pro surfer of the year, cumulative, and Kelly Slater was the best surfer in the world for nine years. Not a one-off contest, all year. This is insane.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Aaaaaaand he was on Baywatch and dated Pam Anderson, Bar Refaeli, and Gisele. Fucker!
Tony Parker Splits Steve Nash's Nose Open
92. Tony Parker Splits Steve Nash's Nose Open
Date: 5/6/2007
Key Players: Steve Nash, Phoenix Suns and Tony Parker, San Antonio Spurs
Video Evidence: Click Here.
This collision with Tony Parker caused Nash to miss the majority of the final minute of Game 1 of the Western Conference Semifinals. The Spurs went on to win the game and the series in six, which raises the question, Which is softer—Nash's nose or the Suns' D?
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Steve Nash was the first and remains the only Canadian to win an NBA MVP award.
Sports Trend of the Aughts: Nut Grabs
91. Sports Trend of the Aughts: Nut Grabs
Date: Various
Key Players: Aveion Cason, Detroit Lions; Frank Walker, Green Bay Packers; Chris Kaman, Los Angeles Clippers; Reggie Evans Denver Nuggets; El-Hadji-Diouf, Bolton Wanderers; Paddy Kenny, Sheffield United
Video Evidence: Click Here.
By now we all know that athletes will do just about anything to get ahead ('roids, Spygate, etc.) but squeezing another man's balls is a new low. Get it? 'Cause it's a despicable low blow and may also signify that one lives the "down low" lifestyle"? You don't even get a foul for that—you get an AYO!
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Self-defense classes teach that a prolonged squeeze of the testicles can cause an attacker to black out.
Ed Hochuli Screws Up
90. Ed Hochuli Screws Up
Date: 9/14/2008
Key Players: Ed Hochuli, NFL referee and Jay Cutler, Denver Broncos
Video Evidence: Click Here.
With the Broncos trailing the Chargers late in the second game of the '08 season, Denver QB Jay Cutler rolled to his right and fumbled the ball, sealing a San Diego W. Or not. Longtime ref and aspiring bodybuilder Ed "Welcome to the Gun Show" Hochuli ruled it an incomplete pass—and because he had whistled the play dead with less than two minutes remaining, it couldn't be challenged or overturned. Cutler, of course, recovered to throw a TD, and then a go-ahead two-point conversion, and Hochuli was loudly criticized quietly criticized by people who didn't want to be torn limb from limb.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
By day, Hochuli is a trial lawyer in Tucson. That's fucking weird, right? It's like seeing your fourth-grade teacher buying condoms at CVS. As far as we're concerned, he sleeps in that ref uniform.
Pacman Jones Joins TNA
89. Pacman Jones Joins TNA
Date: 8/7/2007
Key Players: Adam "Pacman" Jones, Ron "The Truth" Killings
Video Evidence: Click Here.
After getting a one-year suspension from the NFL for his role in bringing the concept of "making it rain" to a larger audience, Pacman decided to while away his idle hours by becoming a professional wrestler. Of course his football contract prohibited him from joining in on the actual wrestling part of the whole professional wrestling thing, but it didn't prevent him from referencinghis legal predicament. Which we're sure was greatly appreciated by NFL commish Roger Goodell.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Feathers and blue clothing are typical props used in traditional rain dances.
Kenny Rogers/Randy Johnson camaramen
88. Kenny Rogers & Randy Johnson Attack Camaramen
Date: January 10, 2005 and June 29, 2005
Key Players: Randy Johnson, New York Yankees and Kenny Rogers, Texas Rangers
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Pitchers Randy "The Big Unit" Johnson and Kenny "Not the Country Singer" Rogers have both gone Kanye West on cameramen for getting in their faces. During his first week in New York, the media capital of the world, new Yankee Johnson screamed at and blocked a cameraman who was filming him walking in Manhattan. Rogers, who was boycotting the media for its coverage of his contract extension demands, pushed two cameramen down for filming him at pre-game warm-ups. When one of them resumed filming, he shoved him down again—sending him to the hospital—and kicked his camera. That's "lights, camera, action" for real!
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Randy Johnson wasn't punished by MLB, but Rogers was suspended 20 games and fined $50K.
Carmelo Chokes Sasha
87. Carmelo Chokes Sasha
Date: 11/30/2007
Key Players: Carmelo Anthony, Denver Nuggets and Sasha Vujacic, Los Angeles Lakers
Video Evidence: Click Here.
When you grow up in the gritty streets of Baltimore and your favorite show is The Wire, it's assumed you really don't take shit from anyone. After the Lakers were blowing out the Nuggets, Melo expressed his frustration by choking Laker Sasha Vujacic and thus being ejected from the game. You can't see it clearly from the clip, but we think with all the gagging Vujacic was doing, he might have been over-selling the choke.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Melo's wifey La La Vasquez is no stranger to getting kicked out of basketball games either. During the 2008 playoffs, Vasquez was ejected from the Denver/Dallas game in Texas for getting into it with fans, who she said were slinging racial slurs.
Sports Trend of the Aughts: The Use of Props in TD Celebrations
86. Sports Trend of the Aughts: The Use of Props in TD Celebrations
Date: Various
Key Players: Joe Horn, New Orleans Saints; Terrell Owens, San Francisco 49ers; Chad Johnson, Cincinnati Bengals
Video Evidence: Click Here.
When a simple dance couldn't express the magnificence of his touchdown catches, Joe Horn planted a cell phone to call his mom and tell her he'd scored; Terrell Owens stuck a Sharpie in his sock to sign the ball with; and Chad Ochocinco made a sign begging the NFL not to fine him for celebrating. We wonder what props these guys might use if they ever scored in the Super Bowl—although we also wonder what would happen if Kim Kardashian and Marilyn Monroe serviced us at the same time, and that shit ain't gonna happen either.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
For these stunts, the NFL fined Horn $30,000, Ochocinco $10,000, and T.O. not a damn cent.
Glen "Big Baby" Davis Cries on the Bench
85. Glen "Big Baby" Davis Cries on the Bench
Date: 12/5/2008
Key Players: Glen Davis, Kevin Garnett, Boston Celtics
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Late in a game against the Trail Blazers, Celtics team leader Kevin Garnett (whose aging ass was supposed to be resting with a comfortable lead) screamed on the second team for letting their advantage slip. Rather than be motivated, "Big Baby" Davis stormed off and sobbed on the bench, his diaper in a bunch.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
While many assumed he got his nickname for being a soft, whiny bitch, Davis claims he was literally a big baby, 14 lbs. at birth.
Drew Bledsoe Injured a.k.a. The Start of the Tom Brady Era
84. Drew Bledsoe Injured a.k.a. The Start of the Tom Brady Era
Date: 9/23/2001
Key Players: Drew Bledsoe, Mo Lewis
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Internal bleeding is a motherf*cker, especially when some young whippersnapper takes your job while you're trying to make sure you still have all your ribs. When this Patriots-Jets game began, Drew Bledsoe was the starting QB for New England (with a Super Bowl appearance under his belt); a week later, the legend of Tom Brady would begin, and, unbeknownst to him, Bledsoe's ticket out of town had been stamped (along with his kidney, liver, spleen, and various other internal organs).
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Bledsoe was selected with the 1st overall pick in the 1993 NFL Draft; Tom Brady was taken 199th overall in 2000.
Tom Brady's Season-Ending Injury
83. Tom Brady's Season-Ending Injury
Date: 9/7/2008
Key Players: Tom Brady, Bernard Pollard
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Can you say "schadenfreude"? Eight months after his undefeated Patriots team lost in the Super Bowl, Golden Boy Brady had his knee blown out in the first game of the '08 regular season. From the Tuck Rule play to bagging Gisele Bundchen, Tommy Boy had had everything go his way up to that point, so yes, we took some pleasurein his misery. Which is what schadenwhatever means.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
The injury snapped (pardon the pun) Brady's 111 consecutive games started streak, the fourth longest in NFL history.
Curt Schilling's Bloody Sock
82. Curt Schilling's Bloody Sock
Date: 10/19/2004
Key Players: Curt Schilling, Boston Red Sox
Yankee fans can hate all they want, but Schilling coming out on some Roy Hobbs leaking sutures shit to win game 6 of the ALCS and force a historic game 7 was pretty gangster. The last time we had bloody socks was when one of our corns burst, so respect due.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Schilling is the only person to twice be named Sports Illustrated's "Sportsman of the Year": in 2001 (with Arizona Diamondbacks teammate Randy Johnson) and 2004 (with the entire Red Sox team).
The Rise of Kimbo Slice
81. The Rise of Kimbo Slice
Date: 2003-2008
Key Players: Kimbo Slice, backyard fighter
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Before he became the laughing stock of the MMA world, street fighter Slice was a bigger internet star than the hipster grifter. With a Rick Ross beard, questionable chest hair, and a penchant for savaging opponents with bumpy knuckles, people couldn't wait to see this dude get into a ring.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Before getting into fighting, Kimbo was a bouncer and security guard for the porn company Reality Kings.
T.O. Celebrates on the Dallas Star
80. T.O. Celebrates on the Dallas Star
Date: 9/24/2000
Key Players: Terrell Owens, San Francisco 49ers
Video Evidence: Click Here.
There was the sharpie, cheerleader pom poms, popcorn, a driveway press conference, possible suicide attempt, and "that's my quarterback," but it all started with T.O. striking a Christ pose at midfield in Dallas. And then getting mushed by George Teague. Could it be that it was all so simple then?
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Following the celebration, Owens was suspended for a week without pay by 49er head coach Steve Mariucci.
LeBron Dunks on Damon Jones
79. LeBron Dunks on Damon Jones
Date: 2/3/2005
Key Players: Lebron James, Cleveland Cavaliers and Damon Jones, Miami Heat
Video Evidence: Click Here.
No NBA player wants to end up on the wrong end of a poster dunk, so you can almost read Damon Jones’ frantic thought processes as King James bears down on him with malicious intent. “Shit, should I jump? Should I move? Should I duck for cov—" BAAAAAM! Sorry, Damon. Your manhood just got tooken.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Jones became Bron's teammate the following season when he signed a four-year/$16.1M deal with the Cavs. He now plies his trade in Italy for NSB Napoli.
Manny Ramirez In-Game Cellphone Call in Fenway Park's Green Monster
78. Manny Ramirez's In-Game Cellphone Call from the Green Monster
Date: 7/10/2008
Key Players: Manny Ramirez, Boston Red Sox
When you're five and a half innings into a game, and you've been kicking dirt in left field all day, your mind starts to wander. Did I leave the stove on? How's my Pfizer stock doing? So we can hardly blame Manny for ducking into the scoreboard at Fenway and checking in at Ramirez HQ during a pitching change in a home game against the Twins. Just be glad Twitter wasn't big last July.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Professional lipreaders have analyzed the footage, and the verdict is in; Manny is saying "Hey ma, think I forgot to set the DVR this morning, can you make sure we're set to record Charlie Rose tonight?"
NBA Mandates Dress Code
77. The NBA Mandates a Dress Code
Date: 10/17/2005
Key Players: NBA players and Commissioner Stern
With the NBA's image tarnished by the Pacers-Pistons fight, as well as numerous drug and gun arrests, the Commish David Stern put in place a mandatory dress code to make players look like professionals and less like thugsnon-professionals.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Players are not allowed to wear the following: T-shirts, jerseys, headgear of any kind (caps, bandanas, headbands), chains, pendants, or medallions worn over clothes, sunglasses while indoors, and headphones. The country western crowd must be up in arms!
Sports Trend of the Aughts: Dick Slips
76. Sports Trend of the Aughts: Dick Slips
Date: Various
Key Players: Chris Cooley, Washington Redskins; Santonio Holmes, Pittsburgh Steelers; Visanthe Shiancoe, Minnesota Vikings
One mistakenly posted his junk on his own Web site, one got caught in the locker room, and one...well who really knows what Santonio was thinking. Whatever the case, Chris Cooley, Visanthe Shiancoe, and Santonio Holmes struck a blow (errr) for everyone who thought the unintentional leaking (ahem) of semi-nude or nude photos was the exclusive domain of Britney, Lindsay, and the girls.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Chris Cooley posted his "dick slip" on his Web site "The Cooley Zone," where it remained for a day. Cooley later apologized claiming he didn't initially notice his dick was in the photo. Most other people didn't either—it's pretty tiny.
Tennis Player Self-Mutilation
75. Mikhail Youzhny's Self-Mutilation
Date: 4/1/2008
Key Players: Tennis player Mikhail Youzhny
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Everyone's got their own psych-up rituals. Minnie Minoso used to shower in his uniform to break out of a slump, and rumor has it Ivan Lendl ate children the night before his important matches. Mikhail Youzhny one-upped everyone by bashing himself in the face with his racket when he lost a point late in the third set of his third-round match at the 2008 Sony Ericsson Open in Miami. You think that's bad? In Soviet Russia, racket bashes itself with YOU!
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Although everyone assumed he was bashing himself with the strings, in slow motion you can clearly see that it's the racket frame that opens the wound at his hairline. Hardbody!
Minor League Manager Goes Nuts
74. Minor League Manager Goes Nuts
Date: 6/1/2007
Key Players: Phillip Wellman, Mississippi Braves manager
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Enough is enough! Figuring that his team was already going to lose the game, so he might as well lose his mind, Wellman decided to take things to the battlefield to show the umps how he reallyfelt. Instead of placement in a looney bin, this Lou Pinella swagger jacker's tirade would gain him national attention.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Despite the tantrum, Wellman continues to manage the Mississippi Braves, and led them to the Southern League championship in 2008.
Shaq "Kobe tell me how my ass tastes" rap
73. Shaq's "Kobe, Tell Me How My Ass Tastes" Rap
Date: 6/24/2008
Key Players: Shaquille O'Neal, Miami Heat
Video Evidence: Click Here.
For Shaq, it wasn't enough to taste victory without Kobe Bryant, his Lakers teammate-turned-nemesis who got him traded from sunny L.A. No, the Diesel felt he needed to sexually dominate him (lyrically) by freestyling about his postseason failures and asking him to describe the taste of his ass. Kobe never did, but we're sure the word he was looking for was "Shaq-licious."
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Shaq's freestyle took place at rapper Cory Gunz's birthday party, and yes, this is the main reason America might know who the hell he is.
Marc Ecko's public vote on the fate of Bonds' HR Record Ball
72. Marc Ecko's Public Vote on the Fate of Bonds' HR Record Ball
Date: 9/26/2007
Key Players: Marc Ecko, Barry Bonds
Video Evidence: Click Here.
When Marc Ecko bought Bonds's record setting 756th home run ball at auction and set up a website to let the public decide if it would be sent to Cooperstown with an asterisk, sent to Cooperstown unblemished, or launched into space, reactions were mixed. Barry called the idea "stupid," but certain people we know said, "Gee boss, that's brilliant!" In the end, the ball ended up in Cooperstown with an asterisk, and for the record, we still think it's a brilliant idea.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
After the ball was branded with an asterisk, Bonds stated that he would not attend his induction ceremony at the Hall of Fame should he be elected. Of course, given the vote totals for fellow alleged juicer Mark McGwire, Barry probably won't have to worry about following through with his threat.
Winslow's "Soldier" Rant
71. Winslow's "Soldier" Rant
Date: 11/8/2003
Key Players: Kellen Winslow II, Miami Hurricanes
Video Evidence: Click Here.
After a loss to Tennessee, Wilson was asked if he felt any remorse about injuring a Vol, and his classic response was an emphatic No. Perhaps forgetting the war in Iraq that had started earlier that year, Winslow showed just a slightlack of context, uttering phrases like "This is War!" and "I'm a fucking soldier!"
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
There were over 2,500 U.S. casualties in Iraq in 2003.
Go Skateboarding Day Officially Comes to Life
70. Go Skateboarding Day Officially Comes to Life
Date: 6/21/2004
Key Players: Don Brown and the International Association of Skateboarding Companies
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Hey kiddos! First day of summer, let's go terrorize the town and skate skate skate! In all reality though, this is one of the best ideas ever. Although it technically started in 1997, the first IASC official "Go Skateboarding Day" wasn't until 2004, and went from a small Cali idea to a million skateboarder global phenomenon in two years.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
etnies CMO Don Brown planted the original seed with a few industry friends and some bars. Once he joined the board of the IASC he took the idea to the big leagues. He looks strangely familiar to this fellow skating the 405 on Go Skateboarding Day on June 21, 2008.
Tim Hardaway "I Hate Gay People"
69. Tim Hardaway "I Hate Gay People"
Date: 2/14/2007
Key Players: Former NBA player Tim Hardaway
Video Evidence: Click Here.
This starts out as just your garden variety "I wouldn't want to play with a gay person" athlete homophobia. Then the interviewer gives Hardaway a chance to soften his comments, to which Tim says, "No thanks," and proceeds to destroy his career in about 15 seconds. Really Tim, you couldn't have self-immolated any faster if you'd jumped in gasoline.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Hardaway later developed a relationship with the YES Institute, an organization that helps gay and lesbian youth in South Florida.
Rick Ankiel's NLCS Pitching Meltdown
68. Rick Ankiel's NLCS Pitching Meltdown
Date: 10/5/2000
Key Players: Rick Ankiel
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Ankiel's journey from flame-throwing pitcher with the yips to slugging outfielder is one of the most inspiring of the decade -- so of course we're going to focus on his worst moment. After a stellar rookie season as a starting pitcher in 2000, Ankiel was tapped to pitch the first game of the National League Division Series, where he proceeded to tie a 100-plus year-old record by throwing five wild pitches in one inning. Ankiel suffered a complete meltdown as a pitcher (throwing 12 wild pitches during a four-inning stretch in Triple A in 2001), before slowly rebuilding his career as a position player (thank goodness for that, otherwise we'd feel reallymean for highlighting this).
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Ankiel's 9.98 strikeouts per nine innings in 2000 were second only to Randy "The Big Unit" Johnson.
Randy Moss Mooning Packers Fans
67. Randy Moss Moons Packers Fans
Date: 1/9/2005
Key Players: Randy Moss, Minnesota Vikings and the Lambeau faithful
Video Evidence: Click Here.
When Vikings receiver Moss celebrated scoring a touchdown at Lambeau Field by fake mooning the rival Green Bay Packers fans, tight-ass announcer Joe Buck acted like he'd just forced everyone in attendance to toss his salad prison-style. Seriously, Buck, white bread just called and said you got no flava.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
It's tradition for some Packers fans to moon the Vikings team bus at each home game.
Todd Bertuzzi Cheap Shots Steve Moore
66. Todd Bertuzzi Cheap Shots Steve Moore
Date: 3/11/2004
Key Players: Todd Bertuzzi, Vancouver Canucks and Steve Moore and Colorado Avalanche
Video Evidence: Click Here.
When Bertuzzi couldn't provoke a fight with Avalanche center Moore to retaliate for a check that had injured Canucks captain Markus Naslund, the winger simply punched him in the back of the head, severely injuring him. This is the type of jaw-dropping foulness that sends you straight to H-E-double-hockey-sticks.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
The NHL suspended Bertuzzi 20 games (he forfeited over $500,000 salary) but allowed him to play again in the 2005-06 season. Moore, who suffered three fractured vertebrae in his neck, vertebral ligament damage, stretching of the brachial plexus nerves, a grade three concussion, and facial cuts, has not been able to return to the NHL.
Terje Haaakonsen Breaks Snowboard Quarterpipe Record
65. Terje Haaakonsen Breaks Snowboard Quarterpipe Record
Date: 3/3/2007
Key Players: Snowboarder Terje Haakonsen
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Ask any pro snowboarder who their influences are, and they'll have Terje in their top three. As in, he inspired them when they were small children. And then the man comes through in 2007, eighteen years after emerging on the pro scene, to break the world record QP air and show everyone they need to step it up. King.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
There are two snowboard videos dedicated to the legend: Subjekt Haakonsen by Volcom (1996) and The Haakonsen Factor (1999).
Joey Chestnut Defeats Kobayashi
64. Joey Chestnut Defeats Kobayashi
Date: 7/4/2007
Key Players: Professional eaters Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Like watching Tyson get knocked out for the first time, we could hardly believe our eyes when Kobayashi lost the annual hot-dog-eating competition to up-and-comer Chestnut in 2007. Of course, Chestnut is no flash in the pan like Buster Douglas—the Cali-born competitive eater has won three consecutive Nathan's titles and currently holds the world-record: 68 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes. Pause infinity.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Chestnut currently holds no fewer than 18 world records of competitive eating, including those for hamburgers (103 in eight minutes), chicken wings (8.98 pounds in 12 minutes), and pulled-pork sandwiches (45 in ten minutes).
Bob Burnquist Completes Full Loop on Skateboard
63. Bob Burnquist Completes Full Loop on Skateboard
Date: 11/23/2005
Key Players: Skater Bob Burnquist
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Magnets or not, you got to give it up to the Brazilian and his antics. Full loops, over-vert halfpipes, jumping into the Grand Canyon...is this even skateboarding? As far as we're concerned, yes, and holy crap this guy does some sick stuff. To all the haters, Bob is sorry you had to sack up and do the full loop. He knows it's scary.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Burnquist has a full skatepark in his backyard where he practices megaramp and over-vert anticts before taking it to competition.
Roy Jones Jr.'s "Y'all Must've Forgot" video
62. Roy Jones Jr.'s "Y'all Must've Forgot" Video
Date: 2/26/2002
Key Players: Light Heavyweight, Roy Jones Jr.
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Roy made sure to include all the played-out rap cliches of the early '00s in his mainstream debut rap video: yacht (check), pitbull (check), girls in bikinis (check), tacky chain (check). Only thing Roy really forgot was a flow and some sensible lyrics. "When I beat Bernard Hopkins and won the IBF/The right was hurt, beat 'em with the left." That's deep!
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Prior to recording "Y'all Must've Forgot" Roy had only one loss (and that due to a disqualification); since then he's had four.
Timmy Curran Lands First Backflip on a Surfboard
61. Timmy Curran Lands First Backflip on a Surfboard
Date: Winter 2005
Key Players: Surfer Timmy Curran
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Classic surfers are about hanging ten, getting barreled, and talking about the good ol' days before all the "kids" started messing everything up. "Messing everything up," as in pulling airs, riding small boards, and listening to loud, fast music. The backflip air seemed mythological until the Volcom put up the bounty, and Timmy Curran walked away with cash in hand.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Immediately following the backflipping, the $10,000 kickflip prize went up. Who's got it?
Ahn Jung Hwan Eliminates Italy from 2002 World Cup
60. Ahn Jung Hwan Eliminates Italy from 2002 World Cup
Date: 6/18/2002
Key Players: Ahn Jung Hwan, Korea
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Scoring a goal for your country in the World Cup is always a noteworthy achievement, but Ahn's famous tally in Korea/Japan 2002 was particularly grand. Consider the circumstances: 1) It was an extra-time, sudden-death "golden goal" that eliminated then three-time champion Italy from the tournament; 2) It shocked the world by catapulting Korea into the WC quarterfinals; 3) It was scored in front of nearly 40,000 delirious fans from the co-host nation, instantly making Ahn a legend. In short, Ahn's glorious header essentially put South Korea on the footballing map.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Ironically, Ahn had been playing for Italian club Perugia when he knocked Italy out of the World Cup; the day after his goal, Perugia owner Luciano Gaucci spitefully cancelled Ahn's contract. Thus exiled, Ahn went on to play in Japan, France, Germany, and Korea, before moving to China, where he's currently a member of the Dalian Shide.
Gina Carano Loses by TKO
59. Gina Carano Loses by TKO
Date: 8/15/2009
Key Players: MMA fighters Gina Carano and Cristiane "Cyborg" Santos
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Carano lost her Strikeforce Lightweight Championship match to Cristiane "Cyborg" Santos five minutes into the first round. We don't advocate pretty women getting their faces bashed in (sorry Chris B!) but this bout was like a bad car accident you can't look away from.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Carano has had roles in the Michael Jai White film, Blood and Bone, Ring Girls, and appeared on "American Gladiators."
Miami Hurricanes Football Team Records an Ode to Running Trains
58. The Miami Hurricanes Record an Ode to Running Trains
Date: 2003
Key Players: Greg Olsen, Brandon Meriweather, Jon Beason, Tavares Gooden, Darnell Jenkins, Willie Cooper
Video Evidence: Click Here.
The University of Miami football teams in '01 and '02 were considered some of the best of all time; not to be outdone, the '03 squad staked its own claim to fame: that of the worst rappers of all time. Combining limited subject matter (basically running trains, running trains, and running trains on automobiles) with an antagonistic relationship with rhythm, the Crew dropped jewels like "She found out there was more to Miami than just a football team/There's also the 7th floor king ding-a-ling" and were accused of tarnishing the school's image. Unfortunately they mostly just ended up tarnishing the school's record, as the '06 team (featuring most of the Crew as seniors) finished 7-6, the worst season at the U in 10 years.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Miami linebacker Jon Beason, a.k.a. "Big Beast," was a first team All-Pro selection for the Carolina Panthers in 2008.
Tie Domi Fights Fan
57. Tie Domi Fights a Fan
Date: 3/29/2001
Key Players: Tie Domi, Toronto Maple Leafs and Chris Falcone
Video Evidence: Click Here.
An enraged athlete pummels a drunk fan, but the response is utter bemusement, not moral outrage. Yep, that's hockey for ya. Not only did Domi escape suspension for snuffing the civilian, but he even played later in the same game. Ron Ron, you're just in the wrong sport, homie.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Domi currently appears as a competitor on Battle of the Blades, a CBC series which pairs retired hockey players with figure skaters—basically, Dancing with the Stars on ice.
Michael Phelps' Bong Hit
56. Michael Phelps Takes a Bong Hit
Date: 1/31/2009
Key Players: USA Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps
After winning a record eight gold medals at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics, a photo surfaced in a British Newspaper of Phelps smoking a bong. Predictably, mainstream media creamed him for not being a good role model and sponsors dropped him, but all we have to say is: "Duuuuude, imagine his lung capacity!"
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
USA Swimming suspended Phelps from swimming competitively for three months for his non-performance-enhancing doping.
Rick Pitino Sex Scandal
55. The Rick Pitino Sex Scandal
Date: 4/18/2009
Key Players: Rick Pitino, NCAA head coach of the Louisville Cardinals and Karen Cypher
Video Evidence: Click Here.
The Louisville men's basketball coach was supposed to be a devout Catholic and a model husband and father, but after a Louisville employee's wife tried to extort him, then claim he'd raped her, he admitted to knocking her off in the Porcini restaurant bathroom and paying for an abortion. We'll leave the rest for the priests to sort out, but porking in Porcini? We've lost our appetite, thank you very much.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
We can't confirm the existence of hell, but when the scandalous Pitino and his Cardinals play at rival Kentucky, he's sure to feel unfriendly fire.
Sean Taylor Pro Bowl Hit
54. Sean Taylor's Pro Bowl Hit
Date: 2/12/2006
Key Players: Sean Taylor, Washington Redskins; Bryan Moorman, Buffalo Bills
Video Evidence: Click Here.
The late great Taylor broke two unofficial rules with this bone-crushing hit on Bryan Moorman: 1) Don't go full speed in the Pro Bowl; and 2) Don't nail the punter. In doing so, Taylor reminded the league of a more important maxim: Never sleep when the "Grim Reaper" is patrolling the field. Pow!
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Taylor tragically lost his life at the age of 24 on November 27, 2007, when an intruder shot him in his Florida home.
Sean Avery's Sloppy Seconds
53. Sean Avery's Sloppy Seconds
Date: 12/2/2008
Key Players: Sean Avery, Dallas Stars
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Ice-cold Dallas Stars winger Sean Avery clowned fellow NHL players Dion Phaneuf and Jarret Stoll, who were dating his exes Elisha Cuthbert and Rachel Hunter respectively, for falling in love with his "sloppy seconds." We can only hope the five-hole has since been sterilized.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
The NHL suspended Avery six games for his hilarious, er, classless remark. Dallas cut ties with him completely, placing him on waivers.
49ers Rookie Training Video
52. The 49ers Rookie Training Video
Date: 6/2/2005
Key Players: Kirk Reynolds, Julian Peterson, Kevin Ulbrich
Video Evidence: Click Here.
A quick rule of parenting: "Do as I say, not as I do" only works if you're not snorting lines when you tell Johnny not to do coke. In an effort to school 49er rookies on diversity, the team's public relations director made a video that played on racial stereotypes and featured a softcore lesbian porn scene. Of course, some good did come of the whole thing: In subsequent training manuals on how to make training manuals, there's a new no. 1 rule: Don't film in strip clubs.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
The video was made in response to comments by San Francisco running back Garrison Hearst, who said he didn't "want any faggots on [his] team."
Travis Pastrana Lands Double Backflip
51. Travis Pastrana Lands Double Backflip
Date: 8/4/2006
Key Players: Motocross Rider Travis Pastrana
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Is this even a trick? Holy crap. When Metzger and crew started single backflips in the early 2000s, that was something, but two? Come on man, ease up on the death wish.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
When he was 14, Travis suffered a fall that temporarily separated his spine from his pelvis.
Sean Avery Rule Change
50. The Sean Avery Rule Change
Date: 4/13/2008
Key Players: Sean Avery, New York Rangers
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Avery was already one of the NHL's most hated players when the league forever cemented his notoriety by creating a new rule in direct response to his agitation tactics. The so-called "Avery Rule" was instituted the day after the Rangers' left winger used a bizarre stick-waving technique to distract Devils' goalie Martin Brodeur. We guess "two minutes for being an utter cunt" wasn't a possibility.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
After the Rangers eliminated the Devils in the series, Brodeur refused to shake Avery's hand.
Randall Simon Swings on Milwaukee Sausage
49. Randall Simon Swings on Milwaukee Sausage
Date: 6/9/2003
Key Players: Randall Simon, Pittsburgh Pirates; Mandy Block, Milwaukee Sausages
Video Evidence: Click Here.
During the sausage race held in the 7th inning stretch at every Milwaukee Brewer game, Pittsburgh's Randall Simon decided to take a bat to the Italian sausage. This clip proves that beating the meat in public is always embarrassing for the beatee, though frequently hilarious for spectators.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Following questioning by police, Simon was fined $432 for disorderly conduct.
Tom Cable Breaks Jaw of Raiders' assistant
48. Tom Cable Breaks Jaw of Raiders' Assistant
Date: 8/5/2009
Key Players: Tom Cable, Randy Hanson
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Never a dull moment in Oakland Raider-land. During a meeting in training camp prior to this season, Oakland assistant defensive coach Randy Hanson suffered a broken jaw and bruised face after either a) an inanimate object animated and attacked his head, or b) head coach Tom Cable viciously struck and threw him into furniture. In the end, the local DA decided not to press charges against Cable, but Hanson still got the last laugh: he remains on the Raiders payroll, but doesn't have to be on the sideline as Cable and co. continually take it on the chin this season from the rest of the NFL.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Cable's winning percentage with the Raiders: .333; Cable's winning percentage in his lone other head coaching gig, at the University of Idaho: .239
Patriots Spygate
47. Patriots Spygate
Date: 9/10/2007
Key Players: New England Patriots coaching staff
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Who woulda thunk that underneath the homeless-guy sleeveless hoodie Bill Belichick was a mad genius who filmed other teams' sidelines to learn their defensive signals? Well, pretty much everyone, but it became public knowledge in 2007 when the Jets caught the Patriots doing just that during a game. Even though the league lowered the boom (half a milli fine for Belichick, 250 large for the team, and the loss of a first-round draft pick), it still left a bad taste in everyone's mouth. Well, everyone's but Tom Brady's; it takes a lot more than cheating to make someone forget the taste of Gisele Bundchen's vagina.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
The following February, Pennsylvania (as in state containing Pittsburgh, New England AFC rival, and Philadelphia, New England vanquished Super Bowl foe) Senator Arlen Specter decided to get involved in the brouhaha. Y'know, since there was nothing else happening in the country that senators might want to take note of, like an unregulated housing market that eventually drove the country into a recession we're still climbing out of.
Alexander Semin "Bongo" Fight against Rangers
46. Alexander Semin's "Bongo" Fight Against the Rangers
Date: 1/3/2009
Key Players: Alexander Semin, Washington Capitals and Marc Staal, New York Rangers
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Highly skilled players like Semin rarely drop the gloves, and this clip exemplifies why. Quickly outmuscled by the stronger Staal, Semin resorts to a hilarious slap-punch technique heretofore unseen in the long history of NHL fights. Who knew Russians could play the bongos?
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
The Capitals eliminated the Rangers in the first round of the playoffs in 2009.
Denny Green: "They are who we thought they were!"
45. Denny Green: "They Are Who We Thought They Were!"
Date: 10/16/2006
Key Players: Dennis Green
Video Evidence: Click Here.
After a loss to Chicago in which his Arizona team led by twenty and forced six Bear turnovers, Cardinals coach Denny Green was asked the secret to his team's defensive success, and replied with his now famous Gertrude Stein-esque rant (which for all its histrionics, was pretty on point: his squad was playing against Rex Grossman for Chrissake). Unfortunately for Green, his spiel became a punchline and he was fired at the end of the season. He's now coaching in obscurity, a.k.a. the United Football League.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Two things that aren't exactly what you think they are: objects in car rear view mirrors and "girls" with Adam's apples.
Sports Trend of the Aughts: Drunken player candids
44. Sports Trend of the Aughts: Drunken Player Candids
Date: Various
Key Players: Ben Roethlisberger, Eli Manning, Vince Young, Michael Jordan, Josh Hamilton, Allen Iverson, Jamal Anderson, Sammy Sosa
Camera phone + drunk athlete = Internet gold. Whether sweaty in the club, or unable to keep your eyes open, or enjoying your retirement,, or really enjoying falling off the wagon,the Aughts were boon years for pro athletes getting shitfaced and having their pictures snapped by "normal" folk. Now if those cheap bastards would just buy us a fucking drink...
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Prior to the 2009 season, Tennessee Titans running back LenDale White lost 30 pounds by giving up tequila, and has so far had his worst season as a pro. Pass the salt and lime, please!
Steve Smith Breaks Teammate's Nose During Practice
43. Steve Smith Breaks Teammate's Nose During Practice
Date: 8/1/2008
Key Players: Steve Smith and Ken Lucas of the Carolina Panthers
Teammate scuffles in training camp are nothing new, but Smith took it to the next level by snuffing fellow Panther Ken Lucas in the jaw on the sideline while both had their helmets off.Lucas got a broken jaw for his trouble; Smith got a two-game suspension (not to mention losing a bucket of camp "Mr. Congeniality" votes).
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
This was Smith's second fight with a teammate; in 2002 he broke fellow wideout Anthony Bright's nose during a film session.
Sports Trend of the Aughts: Airport Shenanigans
42. Sports Trend of the Aughts: Airport Shenanigans
Date: Various
Key Players: Sebastian Telfair, Carmelo Anthony, Damon Stoudamire, Onterrio Smith
Airport security is just a bit tighter than nightclub security. Regardless of your ppg, you can't roll through with a loaded gun (Sebastian Telfair), weed in a backpack (Carmelo Anthony), weed wrapped in tinfoil (Damon Stoudamire), or a Whizzinator (Onterrio Smith).
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Stoudamire was caught when he took his ounce of weed wrapped in TIN FOIL through a METAL DETECTOR. Hey, he has an NBA, not a Ph.D.
Randy Johnson's Fastball Kills Bird
41. Randy Johnson's Fastball Kills Bird
Date: 3/24/2001
Key Players: Randy Johnson, Arizona Diamondbacks
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Man vs. nature: During a 2001 spring training game in Arizona, a dove got a little too close to the action, flying in the path of a Randy Johnson fastball. The result? No more birdie. Forget hunting with the 12-gauge shotty, the Big Unit has a cannon for an arm.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Randy Johnson's fastest pitch ever recorded was 102 mph, thrown at SBC Park in San Francisco during the 2004 season.
Herm Edwards: "You play to win the game"
40. Herm Edwards: "You Play to Win the Game"
Date: 10/30/2002
Key Players: Herm Edwards
Video Evidence: Click Here.
In an era of coach-speak, corporate-speak, and even vagina monologues, it's nice when somebody engages in a little straight talk, like NY Jets Coach Edwards. Of course, Herm probably should have repeated this speech to the Kansas City Chiefs, who he coached from 2006-2008, prior to the playoff game where they failed to notch a first down in the first half. Just sayin'.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
2-5 at the time of Edwards' speech, the Jets would go 7-2 the rest of the '02 season and beat out the defending Super Bowl champion New England Patriots for the AFC East title.
WNBA Brawl
39. The WNBA Brawls
Date: 7/22/2008
Key Players: Detroit Shock and Los Angeles Spark
Video Evidence: Click Here.
We knew WNBA players were rougher around the edges than your average chicks, but we didn't realize how much until the Detroit Shock forward Plenette Pierson and L.A. Sparks forward Candace Parker (the league's golden girl, word to Bea Arthur) started a brawl last July. We'd call it a cat fight if we were in the least bit aroused.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Ten players and Shock assistant coach Rick Mahorn were suspended for their part in the fight.
Mike Gundy Rants
38. Mike Gundy's Reporter Rant
Date: 9/22/2007
Key Players: Mike Gundy, Oklahoma State coach
Video Evidence: Click Here.
"I'm a man! I'm 40! Write about me!" Well, if you insist. After Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy publicly berated and discredited reporter Jenni Carlson for three minutes because he disliked an article she wrote about OSU quarterback Bobby Reid, the media wrote about him quite a lot. Of course they had to mention the article he was trying to discredit, so Gundy earned a Fail when it came to protecting his QB.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Coach Gundy, who claimed that "three-fourths of [Carlson's article were] inaccurate...fiction," has never pointed out actual factual errors in it, despite repeatedly being asked to do so by her and other media members.
Mascot collides with Coco Crisp
37. Mascot Collides with Coco Crisp
Date: 8/5/2007
Key Players: Coco Crisp, Boston Red Sox, Seattle Mariner Moose
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Mascots are entertainers, and Seattle baseball fans were no doubt entertained when their Mariner Moose nearly ran down Boston center fielder Coco Crisp while driving an ATV past the Red Sox dugout. Unfortunately we'll never know if the man or the moose would've been the one raped in jail for vehicular manslaughter.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
This was not Mariner Moose's first ATV mishap. In 1995, he broke his ankle when he crashed into the outfield wall while being pulled on skates behind one.
Leo Romero 50-50s Up a Rail
36. Leo Romero 50-50s Up a Rail
Date: Web debut February 27, 2009
Key Players: Skater Leo Romero
Video Evidence: Click Here.
They kept it hush hush until the May issue of Skateboarder Magazine dropped, but the sequence of Leo Romero sliding up a rail defied physics and continued to push what is possible on a skateboard. Who knew.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
The "sliding up" phenomenon got its first real public debut at the Maloof Money Cup in July 2009, when Romero bluntslided up a down ledge at the fabricated park.
Tim Donaghy Sentenced
35. Tim Donaghy Sentenced
Date: 7/29/2008
Key Players: Referee Tim Donaghy
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Exposed by an FBI investigation, disgraced NBA referee and gambling addict Tim Donaghy pleaded guilty to wire fraud and sharing insider information with bookies, admitted to affecting the outcome of games he'd bet on, and was sentenced to 15 months in prison. Worst of all, he didn't hook us up with even a little bit of that action. What a dick.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Donaghy started writing a memoir about his crooked activities while serving time at a prison camp in Pensacola, Florida.
Clemens Tosses Broken Bat at Piazza
34. Clemens Tosses Broken Bat at Piazza
Date: 10/22/2000
Key Players: Roger Clemens, New York Yankees and Mike Piazza, New York Mets
Video Evidence: Click Here.
In their first meeting since Clemens had beaned Piazza in the head with a fastball earlier that year, Piazza hit a bat-shattering foul ball. When part of the bat fell at his feet, the Roid-kit, er, Rocket flung it in the direction of Piazza, barely missing the Mets catcher. Benches emptied but no punches were thrown, and Clemens later admitted it was his fault. Aw, that's so big (and steroidal) of you, Rog!
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
The Yankees ended up beating the Mets in the World Series that year, 4 games to 1.
Kellen Houston K.O.'s Missouri Fan
33. Kellen Houston K.O.'s Missouri Fan
Date: 10/11/2003
Key Players: Kellen Houston, Nebraska and a Missouri fan
Video Evidence: Click Here.
After an upset loss at Missouri, Nebraska's Kellen Houston punched this unlucky fan who rushed the field. If you can't beat 'em...knock their fans the fuck out?
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Nebraska head coach Frank Solich attempted to take some of the blame away from Houston in a post game press conference stating "..there are also some fans that are heavily drinking and out of control...so it's never a very good situation for fans coaches or either team when fans storm the field." It also sucks when people run into other people's fists. Stupid people.
Desean Jackson's Early Celebration
32. Desean Jackson's Early Celebration
Date: 9/15/2008
Key Players: Desean Jackson, Philadelphia Eagles
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Kinda like Leon Lettminus the accomplice, rookie Desean Jackson celebrated a second too early in this Monday Night Football game last year. Even if he were a vet this fuckery would earn him an NFL Assclown of the year nomination, but the fact that he was in his first month of his rookie season makes him a shoo-in.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
This wasn't the first time Jackson celebrated a little too early. Check out this clip from his high school All American game.
Excessive Ping Pong Celebration
31. An Excessive Ping Pong Celebration
Date: Web debut on February 25, 2009
Key Players: Adam Bobrow, amateur ping pong player
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Crack jokes if you wanna, but we know sometimes you feel so good you just gotta let loose. And scoring a point while you're getting your ass beat in ping pong is cause enough for some kinda celebration. We just wish he saved the weird tootsie roll dance for later.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
This guy will never face China's Wang Hao, the 2009 World Table Tennis men's singles champion and men's double champion with Chen Qi.
Delmon Young Throws Bat at Ump
30. Delmon Young Throws Bat at Ump
Date: 4/26/2006
Key Players: Delmon Young, Triple-A Durham Bulls
Video Evidence: Click Here.
After getting called out on strikes, Young calmly walks away, then realizes he's being far too composed and decides to freak the eff out, hurling his bat into the ump's chest. What better way to get back at umps than throw some hard wood at 'em?
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
As a result of the incident, Young was suspended for 50 games without pay.
Jake Brown's X-Games Quarterpipe Bail
29. Jake Brown's X-Games Quarterpipe Bail
Date: 8/2/2007
Key Players: Pro Skater Jake Brown
Video Evidence: Click Here.
The X-Games are tons of hype and Taco Bell ads, but it has its moments. Not to dwell on falls, but this drop to flat on the quarterpipe in 2007 is so I-can't-watch-I-have-to-watch-I-can't-watch that our parents saw it played on CNN and called to make sure "we weren't doing that sport anymore." Jeez. Crazy every time.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Jake Brown walked away from this. After he woke up.
Zidane Head-Butt
28. Zidane's Head-Butt
Date: 7/9/2006
Key Players: French footballer Zinedine Zidane and Italian footballer Marco Materazzi
Video Evidence: Click Here.
We may never know exactly what Materazzi said to provoke Zidane into the headbutt felt 'round the world, but in the end it hardly matters. Almost as much as we adored Zizou for his transcendent skill, we also loved him for his unpredictable mean streak-the tough immigrant "take-no-shit-from-nobody" side. Somehow, the fact that Zidane blacked out on sport's biggest stage only enhances his legend.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Zidane retired after the World Cup, making the headbutt his last act in a competitive match.
Gold Club Trial
27. The Gold Club Trial
Date: 8/2/2001
Key Players: Various NBA, MLB, and NFL players
During the federal prostitution and fraud trial of the Gold Club, an Atlanta strip joint with mob ties, owner Thomas Sicignano admitted to making dancers sexually service athletes, including Patrick Ewing, who testified that he'd received oral sex. Now that's what you call Patrick Chewing.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Other athletes who were allegedly sexed: Larry Johnson, Tom Glavine, Chipper Jones, Joe Montana, Wayne Gretzky, John Rocker, John Starks, Reggie Miller, Jerry Stackhouse, Dennis Rodman, Terrell Davis, Dale Davis, Jamal Anderson, and our favorite, Andruw Jones, who, when asked which of two strippers he had sex with, answered "Both of them," and went on to confess that, "to tell you the truth, I wouldn't remember one of their faces right now."
Vikings Love Boat Scandal
26. The Vikings' Love Boat Scandal
Date: 10/6/2005
Key Players: Various players on the 2005 Minnesota Vikings
Video Evidence: Click Here.
So you've got a 1-3 record going into week 5 of the NFL season, what better way to build team camaraderie than rent a couple yachts and some hookers to have a boat orgy? None! 17 Vikings players reportedly rented two boats and hired prostitutes for a sex party; cleaning crews claimed to have found several used condoms, wet wipes, KY Jelly bottles, and wrappers for sex toys. No dwarves though (c'mon, this is the Midwest we're talking about!).
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
The Vikings went on to lose their next game 28-3 against the Chicago Bears.
Chad Johnson Becomes Ochocinco
25. Chad Johnson Becomes Ochocinco
Date: 10/25/2006
Key Players: Ochocinco, Cincinnati Bengals
Video Evidence: Click Here.
We thought it was a joke when Chad said he was honoring Hispanic Heritage Month by changing his last name to Ocho Cinco, until he really did it two years later. Did it matter that his last name reads "eight five" as opposed to "eighty-five" (ochenta y cinco)? If it does matter to you, you're completely missing the point. And, yes, we completely miss the point.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Like many Latinos, Ocho Cinco says soccer is his favorite sport. Arsenal FC is his favorite club team.
Lions Go 0-16
24. Lions Go 0-16
Date: 12/28/2008
Key Players: Detroit Lions
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Fail. Epic fail. The Detroit Lions lost every game in the 2008 season, putting together the worst full season in NFL history. Although the team clearly sucked, the already depressed city of Detroit clearly owes the team's incompetent former president, and perennial loser Matt Millen a big D.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
The 1976 expansion Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-14) were the last NFL team to complete a season without a victory.
Mike Parsons Rides Biggest Wave Ever Caught on Video
23. Mike Parsons Rides Biggest Wave Ever Caught on Video
Date: 1/19/2001
Key Players: Mike Parsons
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Quick rule of surfing: If they film you from a plane, you're doing big things. With a storm in the Gulf of Alaska kicking up monster waves in Southern California, Mike Parsons and a group of other tow-in surfers headed out to Cortes Bank, where Parsons rode a 66-foot wall on his final run of the day. A 66-foot wave? Imagine getting chased by a 6-story building and you get an idea of Parsons' feat.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
In January 2008, Parsons surfed a wave at Cortes Bank that was estimated at 70 feet.
Peyton Manning on SNL
22. Peyton Manning Hosts SNL
Date: 3/24/2007
Key Players: Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Fresh off the Colts' dominating Super Bowl victory over the hapless Chicago Bears (no homer), super white boy Peyton Manning took his bayou-bred ass to Studio 8H in Rockefeller Plaza to host SNL-and proceeded to turn in the best athlete hosting performance since Joe Montana made everyone uncomfortable in 1987. Among the highlights was this United Way ad, which let Manning skewer his squeaky-clean image: "I'll kill a snitch!" Like the dodgeball scene in Billy Madison, but all the funnier for being unexpected.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Manning appeared not only in eight skits during the episode, but also in two ads that aired that night-for Gatorade and Mastercard. Suck it, Polamalu! Head and Shoulders commercials are for CHUMPS!
McGwire, Sosa, Palmeiro, and Clemens Testify Before Congress
21. McGwire, Sosa, Palmeiro, and Clemens Testify Before Congress
Date: 3/17/2005
Key Players: Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmeiro, and Roger Clemens
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Speak no evil; speak no English; speak way too much, period—McGwire, Sosa, and Palmeiro came across as tweedle dee, dum, and dumber when they testified before Congress about steroid use in 2005. McGwire declined to "talk about the past"—and likely talked himself out of the Hall of Fame; Sosa claimed his English was no good and probably did the same; Palmeiro revoked his own Cooperstown pass by emphatically denying he used steroids-only to fail a piss test a few months later. Lesson? If you're going to go to Congress and lie, go (shrunken) balls to the wall like the Rocket.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Number of players who hit their 500th home run between 1900-1998: 15. Number of players who've hit their 500th home run after 1998: 10.
Serena Curses Out Line Judge at U.S. Open
20. Serena Curses Out a U.S. Open Judge
Date: 9/12/2009
Key Players: Serena Williams and Kim Clijsters, US Open Line Judge
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Frustrated by Kim Clijsters in their U.S. Open semifinal, Serena flipped on a line judge who called a foot foul on her, shaking her racket at her and saying she wanted to make her deep throat her fuzzy balls. Afterwards, the diesel diva said the idea of her hitting the judge was ridiculous because she's never been in a fight. Sure, Serena, like Common was about to handle your dirty work.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Serena was fined $10,500 for her tirade and for slamming her racket down earlier in the match. Very unladylike.
Knicks Sex Harassment Lawsuit
19. The Knicks' Sexual Harassment Lawsuit
Date: 10/2/2007
Key Players: Isiah Thomas, Stephon Marbury of the Knicks, MSG worker Anucha Browne Sanders, MSG intern Kathleen Decker
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Few things are as embarrassing as two 23-59 records in three seasons. Losing a sexual harassment trial, during which former Madison Square Garden exec Anucha Brown Sanders alleged that Knicks' president Isiah Thomas made sloppy advances and married guard Stephon Marbury admitted to knocking off an intern, qualifies.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
The jury awarded Brown Sanders $11.6 million of MSG's money. And she didn't even need to be a shitty, overrated player to get it!
John Chaney sends the goon in
18. John Chaney Sends the Goon In
Date: 2/22/2005
Key Players: NCAA head coach John Chaney and Nehemiah Ingram of Temple University
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Upset by what he thought were uncalled illegal screens, Temple basketball coach John Chaney spitefully subbed in little-used Nehemiah Ingram to tear shit up. Igram fouled out in four minutes throwing elbows and breaking St. Joseph's senior John Bryant's arm. The "send in the goons" defense is now standard in any coaching manual.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Coach Chaney apologized and suspended himself for one game but, upon learning that Bryant's college career had been ended, Temple suspended him for the rest of the season.
Vince Carter Dunks over Fred Weis
17. Vince Carter Dunks Over Fred Weis
Date: 9/25/2000
Key Players: Vince Carter, team USA and Fred Weis team France
Video Evidence: Click Here.
People think it must be awesome to be 7'2" like Weis and look down on everyone, but they forget that you constantly hit your head on tree limbs, doorways, and Vince Carter's nuts as he's skying over you in the Olympic gold medal game for what your own countrymen call "le dunk de la mort" ("the Dunk of Death").
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
The New York Knicks drafted Weis in 1999 but he never showed his face in the NBA. We can't imagine why.
A-Rod Swipe
16. A-Rod Swipes Arroyo's Glove
Date: 10/19/2004
Key Players: Alex Rodriguez, New York Yankees and Bronson Arroyo, Boston Red Sox
Dropping four straight games to the rival Red Sox to lose the 2004 American League Championship Series 3-4 embarrassed the Yankees, but not half as much as when Rodriguez sweetly swiped at pitcher Bronson Arroyo's glove to knock the ball out and avoid being tagged out in game six. Umps called A-Rod for interference but we just call him soft.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
The Red Sox went on to win their first World Series since 1918.
Terrell Owens' Driveway Workout
15. Terrell Owens' Driveway Workout
Date: 8/10/2005
Key Players: Terrell Owens, Philadelphia Eagles
Video Evidence: Click Here.
During a contract dispute with the Eagles in which he was suspended from practices, T.O. added to his laundry list of attention-whoring by hosting a workout session/press conference in his driveway. It was later revealed that the whole thing was an elaborate ruse cooked up by Owens to publicize his annual yard sale.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
The contract that Owens was unhappy with was worth $49 million over seven years.
Laird Hamilton Rides Teahupoo
14. Laird Hamilton Rides Teahupoo
Date: 8/17/2000
Key Players: Laird Hamilton
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Let's see: there's this gargantuan wave you wanna surf, but due to physics (namely, the fact that you can't possibly paddle your board fast enough), it's impossible to ride without help. So, instead of packing up your board and grabbing a couple margaritas like everyone else, you get your buddy to tow you in on a jet ski and ride that fucker, hoping you don't eat a coral sandwich in the shallow water if you wipe out. Yeah, it's kind of a big deal, in the same way that Kim Kardashian has "kind of" a big ass.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Footage of Hamilton's death-defying ride can be seen in the documentary Riding Giants.
Oregon's Blount Punches Boise State Player
13. Oregon's Blount Punches Boise State Player
Date: 9/4/2009
Key Players: LeGarrette Blount, Oregon and Byron Hout, Boise State
Video Evidence: Click Here.
After Boise State beat Oregon 19-8, Broncos linebacker Byron Hout celebrated by taunting Ducks running back LeGarrette Blount, who reached across the assistant coach and dropped him with a right hook to the jaw. Lesson learned: Win with class or get laid on your ass.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Oregon coach Chip Kelly suspended Blount for the rest of the 2009 season (his senior year) as punishment for the punch.
Izzy Alcantara Catcher/Pitcher Attack
12. Izzy Alcantara Attacks a Catcher & Pitcher
Date: 7/3/2001
Key Players: Minor League player Izzy Alcantara
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Alcantara, an outfielder with the AAA Pawtucket Red Sox and the International League's batting leader, had been feuding with the pitching staff of the Scranton/Wilkes-Bare Red Barons for a couple of months. Of course, no one foresaw the coup de grace being delivered in the form of Alcantara's yellow-belt lookin'-ass jump kick to catcher Jeremy Salazar's mask and ensuing trip to the pitcher's mound, where much hilarious wild flailing went down. Izzy crazy? Probably, but the whole thing looked pretty premeditated to us.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Izzy's birth name is Israel. Unfortunately for him, even AIPAC couldn't get him out of the six-game suspension he caught for his little two-step.
Kobe vs. Childs fight
11. Kobe vs. Childs Fight
Date: 4/3/2000
Key Players: Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers and Chris Childs, New York Knicks
Video Evidence: Click Here.
It's rare enough to see punches actually connect in an NBA fight, but when the fists land on the face (and neck) of the league's golden child, it's definitely cause for special recognition. Kobe-haters, dig in: Never has a two-piece combo fed so many people.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
The Lakers went on to win the title in 2000, while the Knicks bowed out in the Eastern Conference semifinals.
Kimbo Gets Knocked Out
10. Kimbo Gets Knocked Out
Date: 10/4/2008
Key Players: Kimbo Slice, Seth Petruzelli
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Everyone thought the much-hyped Slice could kill anyone, but that whole Mr. T badass shit went out the window when he was TKOed in 14 seconds by Seth Petruzelli, an unprepared last minute replacement fighter with pink streaks in his hair. That is a slice of reality.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Slice's underwhelming fight, which was additionally marred by charges of tampering, hurt EliteXC, the MMA organization he fought for. It filed for bankruptcy later that month.
Miami-Florida International Brawl
9. Miami-Florida International Brawl
Date: 10/14/2006
Key Players: University of Miami and Florida International University football teams
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Sports fights tend to be mostly swing and miss affairs-not so this dustup between M-I-A-Yo neighbors. Multiple footstomps, helmet swinging, body slams, 13 players ejected and one fired commentator-yeah, we'll call that one a real brawl.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
University of Miami coach Larry Coker was fired after the '06 season, in part because of his team's participation in the brawl.
Sports Trend of the Aughts: ESPN Sex Scandals
8. Sports Trend of the Aughts: ESPN Sex Scandals
Date: Various
Key Players: Sean Salisbury, Steve Phillips, Rich Eisen, Scott Van Pelt et al.
Seems like every year or two, one of the ex-jocks or affable Sportscenterhosts gets outed for doing something a liiiiiiiittle inappropriate. Whether it's Salisbury's alleged penchant for showing people cellphone pictures of his dong to Steve Phillips getting it in with a decidedly non-telegenic production assistant to Rich Eisen's wife receiving an email of bikini pics meant for her husband to Scott Van Pelt leaving a Swingers-esque rambling voicemail to a missed connection, them Bristol boys might just be the worldwide leaders in chasing tail.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
According to his jumpoff Brooke Hundley, Steve Phillips has a birthmark above his crotch (which, thankfully, no outside source has been able to verify). According to his medical records, Steve Phillips has a brain (which, judging by his trade for Mo Vaughn, is demonstrably false).
Danny Way Jumps the Great Wall of China
7. Danny Way Jumps the Great Wall of China
Date: 7/9/2008
Key Players: Pro Skater Danny Way
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Danny Way started building megaramps in the early 2000s, and the release of "The DC video" in 2003 blew minds as the man did things no one thought was possible on a skateboard. From there he went to jumping out of a helicopter into a quarterpipe (seriously, wtf?) and then the Great Wall of China. Hmmm. Oh yeah, and he just broke the world record for speed on a skateboard, going 74 mph. Death wish, anyone?
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Danny Way's brother, Damon, is the co-founder of DC shoes.
Drunk Joe Namath Hits on Suzy Kolber
6. Drunk Joe Namath Hits on Suzy Kolber
Date: 12/20/2003
Key Players: Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Namath and ESPN sideline reporter Suzy Kolber
Video Evidence: Click Here.
We've all seen drunken old men make awkward passes at younger women, but it's usually at a hotel bar during happy hour, not on the sidelines of a nationally televised football game. Broadway Joe's slurred come-ons may have been comically cringe-worthy, but we bet they've worked on many women before-just not on live TV.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Three weeks later, Namath entered an alcohol treatment program.
Usain Bolt sets 9.69 World Record at Olympics
5. Usain Bolt Sets 9.69 World Record at Olympics
Date: 8/16/2008
Key Players: Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Other sprinters must have been disheartened when Bolt became the fastest man on the planet after smoking the competition in three events at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics, his leads so big that he could stunt and jog through the finish line. That's how you do 'em dutty.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
In 2008 Bolt was awarded three international sporting awards: the Men's Track & Field Athlete of the Year, the IAAF World Athlete of the Year and the BBC Overseas Sports Personality of the Year.
Lewis Hamilton Silverstone GP2 Pass
4. Lewis Hamilton's Silverstone GP2 Pass
Date: 10/4/2007
Key Players: Racer Lewis Hamilton
Video Evidence: Click Here.
Moves like this three wide pass at Britain's Silverstone track are why people believed young Lewis could make it in Formula 1. And make it he did, becoming the youngest F1 champion in history. Too bad the pussycat doll had him too distracted to repeat in '09.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Hamilton is currently dating Nicole Scherzinger, lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls.
Pedro Martinez Melon Tosses Don Zimmer
3. Pedro Martinez Melon Tosses Don Zimmer
Date: 10/13/2003
Key Players: Pedro Martinez, Boston Red Sox; Don Zimmer, bench coach New York Yankees
Video Evidence: Click Here.
The 2003 ALCS was a tense time, even for the always-cantankerous Red Sox-Yankees rivalry, but things kicked up a notch when the fourth inning of Game 3 devolved into a bench-clearing brawl. Of course, things then kicked up one more notch (into the realm of hilarity) when bench coach Don Zimmer, drunk on testosterone and a marathon viewing of the Grumpy Old Menfranchise, swung at Pedro Martinez-who then grabbed Zimmer on both sides of his abnormally large head and guided the rogue geriatric missile to the ground.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
That wouldn't be the end of the pyrotechnics; later that same game, a member of the Fenway Park grounds crew got into a scuffle with Yankee reliever Jeff Nelson.
Mike Tyson Rants at Lennox Lewis fight
2. Mike Tyson's Lennox Lewis Rant
Date: 1/22/2002
Key Players: Heavyweight Mike Tyson
Video Evidence: Click Here.
There's a lot of phony animosity at boxing press conferences, but you can't script the kind of homophobic/homoerotic crazy that came out of Mike Tyson's mouth after he provoked a brawl with Lennox Lewis and someone said he should be put in a straightjacket. Well-made case for sanity, Mike.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
Tyson wanted to fight in Las Vegas but Nevada's boxing commission wouldn't allow it, in part because of this vile incident, so Lewis instead beat him down in Memphis, Tennessee.
Pacers vs. Detroit and their Fans "The Malice in the Palace"
1. "The Malice in the Palace"
Date: 11/19/2004
Key Players: Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson, Jermaine O'Neal, Ben Wallace, various spectators at the Palace in the Auburn Hills
Video Evidence: Click Here.
The beer toss heard 'round the world. The Indiana Pacers' Ron Artest was in his zen place on the scorer's table after committing a hard foul on Detroit Piston Ben Wallace when some D-Town chucklehead decided to chuck his beer. Cue Ron bringing a little Queensbridge to the front rows, cue predictable mainstream media outrage, cue chaos on an epic scale, just be thankful there weren't any pool cues lying around or shit might've gotten (slightly) crazier.
YOU AUGHTA KNOW:
In response to the Malice, the NBA banned alcohol sales after the end of the third quarter. You see, that's how a couple jerks go and ruin something nice for everyone else.