The 25 Worst Late-Night Talk Show Segments
Forget your health. This is why you should go to bed early.
Image via Complex Original
We feel for late-night hosts. We really do. In a world of tightly written 12-episode-a-season dramas and reality shows that write themselves, the bits on these nightly talk shows can look stale by comparison.
Sure, when the writing staffs of these shows are at their highest highs, they can produce bits that linger for decades in the cultural consciousness. But, when they hit lows, boy, they hit rock bottom. Whether they have been produced by fly-by-night, quickly cancelled cable shows or the network late-night giants, many awful segments have lulled us to sleep on those insomniac nights on the couch in front of the TV.
It's time to shout out the worst material produced by the hardest working men in show business, with The 25 Worst Late-Night Talk Show Segments of All Time.
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Written by Brenden Gallagher (@muddycreekU)
25. Stupid Pet Tricks (The Late Show with David Letterman)
When it debuted: 1982
Segment lowlight: The trick that started it all.
At its best, late-night comedy can provide penetrating cultural commentary on topical issues that is too edgy for prime-time. At its worst, late-night schtick devolves into America's Funniest Home Videos. Letterman's "Stupid Pet Tricks," which is exactly what it sounds like, is the Ironman of stupid late-night gags.
The joke is even older than Letterman's desk, as the segment originally appeared on the morning show he hosted before he moved to late night. Animal gags have been a stand-by for Letterman ever since, usually garnering uproarious audience applause...which shakes our faith in humanity.
(But let's be real: We're not entirely opposed to low-brow animal jokes on TV.)
24. Worst Team on Television (Jimmy Kimmel Live!)
When it debuted: 2003
Segment lowlight: When they clearly started staging it.
This is an example of a peculiar tendency of late night. When a bit kind of works once, content-starved nightly hosts will go back to the well again and again, driving it into the ground. It's hard not to do that when you are coming up with material every night.
The joke here is novel enough: A group of "real people" who don't know anything about the news present themselves as experts, and hilarity ensues. The bit outlasted two of the original castmembers and newer versions of the skit, like the one above, which uses people who are clearly actors posing as people who don't know anything about the news—which is the kind of meta move that will make your head hurt rather than make you laugh.
23. Yambo (The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn)
When it debuted: 2000
Segment lowlight: Deciding between Vern "Mini-Me" Troyer vs. Patricia Heaton and Dave Grohl vs. Jason "Jay" Mewes would imply that one is not the most terrible thing ever, and we're not willing to cut either slack.
Kilborn has had a dream career by anyone's standards. His résumé reads like a list of "best hosting gigs of all time," as he is a veteran of The Late Late Show, The Daily Show, and SportsCenter. All of the shows seem to hit their stride right after he leaves. Coincidence?
Kilborn tried several tricks to spice up the celebrity interview format while he was a late-night host. One of them, dubbed "Yambo," involved Kilborn circling two celebs and shouting relatively simple questions at them. The first guest to answer three correct won. Just about as funny as it sounds.
In 2010, Kilborn attempted a return to late night with The Kilborn File. During the show's run, he tried to bring back Yambo, renamed "Kilbo." Shockingly, the show was cancelled after just six weeks.
22. Secretariat (Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson)
When it debuted: 2010
Segment lowlight: The time Secretariat went on Regis and Kelly.
Craig Ferguson embraces the role of the underdog. A number of his bits are based on the idea that, as the host of a low-budget show, he has to take numerous cost-cutting measures. One such gag originated as a spoof of the movie Secretariat, and became a hallmark of the show.
While Ferguson was mocking the film in 2010, a horse (clearly two actors under a blanket) jumped out and started dancing to an obnoxious club beat. The bit is nothing more than the horse dancing. That's it. Sometimes it goes on for over two minutes. Here is a 25-minute video chronicling the history of this overused, tired gag. If you have time to watch the whole thing, you should really look into a hobby for your future.
21. Why You Crying? (Lopez Tonight)
When it debuted: 2009
Segment lowlight: Lopez mocks Lou Pinella's retirement from the game he devoted his life to.
There is not much that didn't offend about Lopez Tonight. As you can guess, you'll be seeing more of George on this list. This lovely segment involves George watching videos of famous people crying and then mocking their tears.
Granted, reality stars and entitled celebrities crying about not making enough money or the pressures of fame doesn't exactly invite sympathy, but that doesn't mean mocking them is funny. When Lopez rags on people who have reason to cry, as Pinella did, we remember there is truly nothing funny about seeing a grown man cry...and even less funny about another grown man trying to make fun of him.
20. Ape or Artist? (The Late Show with David Letterman)
When it debuted: 1982
Segment lowlight: This is one of those monotonous bits that is the same every time.
It seems that comedians never tire of piling on that oh-so-easy target of modern art. The gist of this bit is that Letterman guesses whether a piece was created by an ape or an artist. The gag was letter expanded to be called "Ape or Artist or Elephant?" Well, Dave, we may not know art, but we know what we like. Not this.
19. Iron Jay (The Tonight Show with Jay Leno)
When it debuted: 1995
Segment lowlight: When Steven Seagal dropped by, and it felt like he was too good for the bit.
Leno has a gift for making very little out of very little. In this segment, Jay dons a headband and a neck towel, stares into a fish-eye lens, and makes a combination of homophobic references and O.J. Simpson jokes. He eventually retired the O.J. Simpson jokes, but he's still big on the homophobic references though, don't worry.
18. Celebrity Charades (Late Night with Jimmy Fallon)
When it debuted: 2010
Segment lowlight: Heidi Klum took things up a notch with "Dance Charades." How fun!
As any of your friends who have been to shitty dinner parties thrown by newlyweds will tell you, no one likes playing charades, let alone watching other people play charades. In an attempt to re-invent the wheel and spice up those celebrity interviews, Fallon and company introduced "Celebrity Charades." Shockingly, celebrities are about as interesting to watch doing charades as your boy's up-tight fiancée.
17. Virtual Jay (The Tonight Show with Jay Leno)
When it debuted: 1999
Segment lowlight: Digital Jay falling between a pair of breasts belonging to a Wayne Newton fan.
Leno does it all. We discussed earlier how he can make awful segments out of almost nothing. Here is an example of the opposite, where an absurd amount of resources are wasted on a garbage bit.
Digital Jay is a Web 1.0 animated creation that travels through the Internet and then sometimes goes to real places and makes awful jokes. We imagine this segment will continue to get worse and worse in retrospect, as time marches on and the tech references grow more and more outdated. Stick around for the end of the video above and see how the Internet can somehow turn you into a cat.
16. Put It On a Cracker (Late Night with Jimmy Fallon)
When it debuted: 2011
Segment lowlight: The holiday edition.
Fallon can't get enough of weird audience games. It's too bad because, unlike some of his counterparts, Jimmy gets social media. Whether it be recreating pop songs with children's toys or "Slow Jamming the News," Fallon's bits are the closest thing to a water cooler conversation topic late night can muster these days.
That is why it is a shame when he settles for these lame bits. Like his other similar segments, this game is exactly what it sounds like. Several ingredients are spread on a cracker and then a lucky blindfolded audience member gets to taste and guess what it is. Riveting. Insightful. Entertainment.
15. Kathy Does Things (Kathy)
When it debuted: 2012
Segment lowlight: Kathy babysits.
Nobody finds Kathy Griffin quite as funny as Kathy Griffin does. The majority of her Bravo late-night show is a current events panel featuring female comedy mainstays like Chelsea Peretti, Whitney Cummings, and Chelsea Handler, which can be funny—despite Griffin's presence.
Unfortunately, they couldn't quite get enough mileage out of the pop culture round-table. The last (untitled) bit of her show involves Kathy doing relatively mundane things like working at a donut shop, going around town with her mother, or babysitting. Even if you are the sort of person who likes Griffin (and we suspect that Complex and Griffin don't share a target demo), you'll wish that after a half-hour Bravo would just go back to Real Housewives of Atlanta re-runs.
14. The Weather with Petra Nemcova (The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn)
When it debuted: 2002
Segment lowlight: How hard Kilborn had to work to make it happen.
Kilborn mentioned numerous times over the course of early 2002 that he wanted nothing more than to have supermodel, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover girl, and Victoria Secret Angel Petra Nemcova on his show. Can you blame him?
He finally got the Czech beauty to appear as a guest in April of that year. The piece was less of an interview than a fawning session. Kilborn looks like a school nerd who has the chance to tutor the homecoming queen. The man couldn't let it go at that. He had her back on periodically to have her read the weather and, well, be Petra Nemcova, which while hot, is not funny.
13. Intro/People Who... (Arsenio Hall Show)
When it debuted: 1989
Segment lowlight: The self-indulgent finale.
Arsenio Hall was better at generating excitement than laughter. You've never seen a man drag out an entrance as long as he could. With an average running time of two minutes, some older audience members likely collapsed from fatigue after all of that jubilant clapping during his introduction.
The button on his intro, after far too much saxophone soloing, was a reference to his super fans, "The Dog Pound." The camera would focus on a section of the audience with a lower third making some joke beginning with "People Who...," such as "People Who Say 'No' to Drugs and 'Yes' to Free T-shirts" or "People Who are in the Witness Protection Plan." Or, if you're like us, "People Who Rolled Their Eyes Every Time This Bit Was Used."
12. Ring Spin (Late Night with Conan O'Brien)
When it debuted: 2008
Segment lowlight: The science of ring-spinning.
Conan doesn't often misfire. The man respects writing and it shows. Sometimes, though, circumstances, not a lack of talent will force you into a corner. During the writer's strike of 2008, there wasn't much for Conan to do.
Rather than try to hide it, he reveled in it. He added little time-wasting moves to the show like building a guest maze entrance and interviewing crew members. Our favorite-least-favorite moment from this period was his attempt to spin his wedding ring for as long as possible. He went back to the ring bit numerous times, going as far as having an MIT professor come on the show to help him maximize his spin time.
11. Lick It for 10 (Late Night With Jimmy Fallon)
When it debuted: 2009
Segment lowlight: Drew Barrymore licks a Bowling Ball
Of the Fallon audience games, this has to be the worst. The lucky audience member (or celebrity) licks an object for 10 seconds and is paid $10. Here are Fallon writers at a Paley Center event, uncomfortably talking about their process of coming up with these games.
Look, we appreciate the passion for absurdity that the writers bring to their craft, but no one wants to watch people lick things for 10 seconds. Note that even a couple of the writers admit that the bit was one of the worst they ever did.
10. Will It Float? (Late Show with David Letterman)
When it debuted: 2002
Segment lowlight: The third installment, when Dave said, "We've only done this three times. Nobody on the show really likes it. From your cards and letters and phone calls, we know that you folks at home don't care for it, either. We're gonna try it one more time, and if it's not anything tonight, that's it." And then he proceeded to do it 200 more times.
We bet you can guess the premise of this one. Throw something in water and see if said thing floats. Somehow this bit lasted more than five years, during which time the show produced over 200 installments. For reasons surpassing understanding, someone has made a "Will It Float? Fan Page" cataloging the over 200 times the game has been played. For those hoping for a deeper study, the creator of the site also includes links to "Achimedes" and "bouyancy" on Wikipedia. Thanks, dude.
9. Ab News (Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld)
When it debuted: 2007
Segment lowlight: This is not only a bad bit, but also a bad workout video.
Yeah, we didn't know that Fox News had a "comedy" late-night show either. We were not surprised to learn that much of their "humor" came from objectifying women. In his "Ab News" bit, Gutfeld makes awful jokes about the day's news while hot fitness models do ab workouts.
This kind of disrespect toward women permeates the show. For example, female guests are made to sit in the "leg chair" to show off their bodies while they participate in a male-dominated round table panel. As of press time, conservative comedy is still usually sexist and never funny.
8. WWE Superstars Sing Karaoke (Lopez Tonight)
When it debuted: 2009
Segment lowlight: David Otunga sings "I'm Telling You." (Yes, that "I'm Telling You," by Jennifer Hudson.)
George Lopez's notoriously terrible talk show could probably fill a 25 worst segments list all on its own. One of the standouts among the bottom-feeders is the entire week George had pro wrestlers sing karaoke.
Normally late-night shows feature celebrities exhibiting their lesser-known talents. This bit attempted to show off a lack of talent that we all already assumed. The only positive thing that we can say is this bit wasn't racist, which was not true of a number of Lopez's other nuggets of comedy gold.
7. Wax On, Wax Off (Late Night With Jimmy Fallon)
When it debuted: 2011
Segment lowlight: Waxing Jets center Nick Mangold's chest. (That is a lot of chest to wax.)
Wait, we spoke too soon, this is the worst Jimmy Fallon audience game. We never want to see a man get his chest waxed, let alone as part of a TV game show. If you share a different opinion, go ahead and watch the all-time greatest Fallon chest waxing clips.
6. Dancing Itos (The Tonight Show with Jay Leno)
When it debuted: 1995
Segment lowlight: The Dancing Itos featuring lead prosecutor Marcia Clark.
It is disgraceful how much comedy mileage Jay Leno got out of the O.J. Simpson trial. Folks unlucky enough to watch Leno during that time get exasperated just trying to communicate how many jokes Leno got out of a double murder. One of the most ridiculous among them was the series of choreographed numbers featuring dancers dressed like O.J. judge Lance Ito.
5. Bullet Wound... Not A Bullet Wound? (Lopez Tonight)
When it debuted: 2009
Segment lowlight: When Lopez implied a Sikh man was a terrorist and then offended while backpedaling.
Remember the whole George Lopez racism thing we mentioned earlier? This is what we were talking about. This segment mixes all of the worst parts of audience participation games with a complete lack of racial sensitivity.
Lopez would show brief clips of people from numerous ethnic backgrounds and then ask audience members to guess whether or not those people fit certain negative racial stereotypes. Maybe there is something to be said for George ribbing a wide variety of races and cultures. Just kidding. There is absolutely nothing redeeming here.
True to form, Lopez had the gall to blame racial politics when his show was mercifully cancelled.
4. Videos We Found on Youtube (The Tonight Show with Jay Leno)
When it debuted: 2010
Segment lowlight: The numerous instances of plagiarism.
Much of what Leno shows during these segments is funny. That's because the material isn't his. Creating a segment that allows you to embrace the fact that you don't make up your own material is dastardly enough, but Leno sinks to new lows here.
There are several reports of the nefarious lengths Leno will go to not only to use material that isn't his on the show, but also to take credit away from the creators. One example of this ridiculous behavior is explained in full detail by one of the victims of his Jay's sticky fingers in the letter above.
3. Everything Chevy Did (The Chevy Chase Show)
When it debuted: 1993
Segment lowlight: The entire show was one five-week long low point.
With its awkward banter, casually offensive statements, and terrible sketches, The Chevy Chase Show was one of the worst things ever to happen to late night. This show was just one in a long line of Chevy's career failures. Whether it be fist fights with Bill Murray or directing racial slurs at Donald Glover, Chevy can't help but continue to be a one-man train wreck. At least he's got the Vacation movies to hang his hat on when his all of his shenanigans come to an end, right?
If you somehow aren't familiar with Chevy's awful antics, read an incomplete history of Chevy's SNL transgressions, and for all the Community stuff, just type in "Chevy Chase" and "Community" in the search field above and see just how many times we've had to write about the "difficult" actor in the last couple of years.
2. Moment of Intolerance (Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld)
When it debuted: 2007
Segment lowlight: When Gutfeld ripped into restaurant hostesses for no reason.
Much of Gutfeld's material on Red Eye can be described as crass, but rarely does it reach the vitriolic heights of "Moment of Intolerance." Gutfield defines this segment as "an emotional release valve that allows you to hate someone or something without fear or reprisal."
After he mocks an easy target for a minute or so, he offers a fake apology, because, you know, apologizing is stupid. While your embittered Tea Partying uncle might like Red Eye, we take immense comfort in the fact that no one else does.
1. Jaywalking (The Tonight Show with Jay Leno )
When it debuted: 1992
Segment lowlight: Jersey Shore Jaywalking
There have worse bits on late night than "Jaywalking." Many of them are on this list. We put "Jaywalking" at the top for its awful influence on the late night landscape. Every would-be late-night comedian seems to believe that making everyday people look stupid is required of any successful host. "Jaywalking" is largely responsible for this disheartening trend.
Stand-up comedians know crowd work is lazy, but at least in a club, you have to be honest with the crowd about who you are and lack the advantage that comes with the element of surprise. Walking up to people on the the street, waiting for "funny answers," and then editing for better results is shooting comedic fish in a barrel.
We wouldn't expect anything less from Leno, but we could do without dozens of imitators clogging the streets of Manhattan and L.A. trying to pull cruel gags on tourists. Here's hoping for more late-night innovation in the future and that these segments will show the next generation of late-nighters exactly what not to do.