According to two things I just read, THIS IS THE G.O.A.T. HOODIE. As per Slate, the American Giant full zip hoodie is the greatest hoodie ever made. Business Insider writes of customers marveling at the “shockingly well made” all cotton hoodies. It’s like these nerds have never reviewed a piece of clothing before. There will be no debate as to whether this hoodie is really the greatest hoodie ever made because that question is fucking stupid and proclaiming things like that only prove you are presumptuous.

American Giant is basically trying be the thoughtful, nonsexual older cousin of American Apparel. Everything is made in the USA, like American Apparel, but instead of ethnically ambiguous chicks with big donks as fit models, they use brolic looking dudes. The sweatshirts themselves have been designed by former Apple engineer Philipe Manoux and patternmaker Steve Mootoo. The sweatshirt these guys have designed weighs over two pounds and features ribbed paneling with really nice cotton and a slim-fit. OH, YOU MEAN LIKE EVERY HOODIE MADE IN CANADA? RIPPED SIDE PANELING HAS BEEN THE CYC SIGNATURE FOR A MINUTE, BUSINESS INSIDER. Basically, this is a pretty nice sweatshirt that everyone just happens to be losing their shit over. I don’t get it. I bet it’s really nice. Could it beat some high-fashion jams in a blind taste test? Probably. Then again, I don’t know because that shit is relative as fuck. I know a million companies making heavyweight, slim-fit cotton basics and they’re all pretty nice. I guess it’s interesting that the company manufacturers everything in the United States, though. Then again, not really.

But beware, Greatest Hoodie Of All Time. Heavy is the crown of perfection. There are already those giving you the dreaded 3 out of 5 star review.

See, even that facet gets swallowed up thanks to grandiose statements like: "Foreign factories simply couldn’t manufacturer the sweatshirts." That’s just factually inaccurate. There are super high-tech factories in Asia. I mean, who do you think makes all that Nike Gyakusou? THAT SHIT IS NINJA AS FUCK. I BET THEY COULD SEW SOME STRETCHY PANELS INTO A GODDAMN HOODIE.

I suppose the whole direct to consumer with no brick and mortar concept is interesting because it will probably continue to have real impact on stores and small designer labels. I just cringe when companies use their business model as one of the major marketing gimmicks as it tends to demonize others. There’s nothing wrong with brick and mortar stores. Sure, sometimes the ambiance can add to the consumer cost. And shop staff adds on even more. But it’s a necessary cost. If we don’t shop at cool stores that are way smaller than they look online, who will support the professional dimepieces still in transition mode after their move to New York City that work at them?

Also, the Slate article makes a huge deal about the fact that the zippers and laces and everything is all tonal. LOL THAT ISN’T THAT BIG OF A FUCKING DEAL. WHERE ARE YOU BUYING NINETY DOLLAR SWEATSHIRTS THAT DON’T HAVE DETAILS YOU LIKE?

But beware, Greatest Hoodie Of All Time. Heavy is the crown of perfection. There are already those giving you the dreaded 3 out of 5 star review. That’s the equivalent of your parents saying they’re not angry, just disappointed.